the less positive post

CD 5

I had planned to have a nice little post today about feeling a bit better and not being upset about the not knowing. Then the day started....

It was not really a bad day overall. Some of my favorite peoples had birthdays today and work went pretty fast. However on the baby front I felt like I was getting poked with a hot poker most of the day. Sometimes I can just ignore the little things and other days those little bits annoy the heck out of me.

Almost right away I indirectly found out a fellow coworker on my team is knocked up. Her fiance and her have been engaged for a little while and the relationship has not had a good history before so one may expect the timing is really not the best. However I'm not in a place to judge who gets it and who does not, but sometimes it does sting a bit when you know history there. And actually I was not all that surprised because weeks ago I noticed two days in a row she came into the ladies room while I was there and was giving back her lunch. I asked co worker then but at the time no one knew. I had forgotten about it but I guess I was right.

I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad. I never talk to her and rarely ever see her even though she sits fairly close. But then not long after she came walking into work late, in her normal prissy sort of walking way, and walked past me. I was turning away already but involuntarily I felt myself have this awful, horrible mad sneer. Thankfully no one else saw me. Where does that come from? I don't hate her, it is not her fault I'm dealing with this and she is not. Her getting knocked up does not take away from my chances but yet I still felt a wave of pure jealously and rage take over for a mere bleep of a second. I hate that I can not control these types of emotions.

On a much nicer note - another co worker, whom I adore, knew about the pregnancy a few weeks ago. Knowing that it might upset me and worrying about my feelings she approached the girl and asked permission to share it with me early so I could be prepared and not hear it in some mass announcement. She was nicely turned down (and by all means she had ever right to and that does not upset me in the least) and asked not to tell. I am so thankful to have someone like that consider my feelings in such a heartfelt and caring way. I am really glad I have her and a few other really great ladies at work that I can really talk to.

There were more little things that got to me throughout the day but I think I'd much rather leave this at a positive point. When you remember the good things and people in it then why go on with more little things that do not matter....

Calling doctors….

I’m on the verge of tears again and just lost about what to do. I am scared to start this part of the journey and the amount of money this might incur. I am scared to know that the answer is not final and the outcome is just a bunch of statistics.

I’ve had to call around to our doctors today a few different times to get a new SA test requested. My doc (gyno) told me that since they have referred us once already that we have to go the clinic for further help because they are not a fertility office. I also called my hubby’s doctor (urologist) yesterday and they told me to call mine. So after striking out today I called the clinic directly. She told me straight up to call our doctors back again because if we have to get set up there as a new patient. New patient costs will be right at $1,000 for the initial consult (not including a new SA) and they do not take our insurance. And of course lovely insurance will not cover any of it. I hung up the phone with this really sweet lady and sat right there in my office conference room and cried away. Sitting there crying I feel like we are right back at the beginning being told there is little or now hope.


Thankfully I called hubby’s doctor back again and they will request the test for us. Thankfully for now I can hold on to a little bit of hope before going forward.

I have to admit my fear level is just really high now. If this test does not show improvement I know our next step will have to be with the clinic and costs will begin being out of pocket. I am scared to embark on possibility we might have to try IUIs or IVF.

As my husband would say – “I’m Out, Sprout”

CD2

Well the little stick guys worked hard this last week or so, but alas they did were not able to fulfill a better purpose.

First let me say how nice everyone was over the weekend. I've gotten some really lovely comments wish us luck and holding out hope. It really is nice to have a little cheering crowd and to know I am doing the same for so many others.

I started spotting on Saturday (CD 40) and yesterday the full wave kicked in. A bit of TMI here but this is like the heaviest flow I have had in a very long time and very clotty. (*blush* - well, hello there ICLW visitors). This kind of AF really makes me nervous – like was this cycle almost successful? Was my body trying to do its thing but gave up too quickly? Could there have been implantation and then failure?

This cycle has really been a doozy for me. I’ve not been stressed and really I’ve tried to be all positive but it was the longest cycle yet and just left me confused. I don’t feel like Clomid did anything and I’m not even sure I OVed. I didn’t have the hotflashes that normally kicks in with Clomid. I did not have any crazy symptoms but he last week or so I had did odd pulling and slight cramping feelings across my belly. In all honesty I thought there was a really good chance we had beaten the odds. Guess not this time.

So now its time to move on.

I feel like we have to get some more answers now. I am scared to know but I think its time.
So today I’m going to start calling around and schedule another swimmer test.

Come on Universe.

Hi Universe. It’s me. I’m just writing to you today to request something small. Really its nothing to big and I know you can handle it. You see I have this friend…he’s a little guy that has a bad lot in life. He only has one job and it’s not a fun job. But when he does it right it could mean the world to someone else. So Universe I’m asking you to help him out. Let me explain -

He gets to hang out in a small cramped space for most of his days. When he is called up to duty the poor guy’s role is simply to get peed on. Now no one likes to get peed on (well at least not most normal people that is) so if he has to go through this why not giving him the satisfaction of producing two lines? One extra line is not a big deal. It’s not even that much effort. Just one more little spot of color lined up in a row.

So Universe, if you could just consider helping this guy out that would be great. Sometimes we all need a little extra help to fulfill our potential.

Thank you very much,
Me

A Good Friday

So last night, while cooking dinner, my husband looks at me and says….”So, are we pregnant?”

I think I died a little inside telling him that I’m not sure but right now I don’t think so. This was only the second time he has ever asked this. Not only did he observe our timeline enough to wonder but he also included “WE” in that small sentence. To me this meant so much. And after telling him no he visibly got frustrated and said we’ll then we are going to get tested again next month. Another small, wonderful, bonding victory.

I know a lot of you out there have spouses that are very supportive in different kind of ways but in our house we have not really broached the subject much during testing time. He doesn’t ask and I don’t tell. Actually I hide the tests I take. I do this mainly because I do not want him to see my spazing out with the amount of tests I take and also because I would prefer to not have to acknowledge the result. I figured if I have to say out loud that it is negative then I’m making it more true. Reading the test and saying it my head is not as bad. Even typing it out is easier, but saying it out loud just feels wrong. I’m working on this but for now I think I’ll still keep a hold of them.

Ok, so now lets move on to less deep conversation. Today is Friday and I’m going to be Positive. I am going to be happy today and have hope.

1. I’ve been so crazy running around that I’ve missed on reading most of the blogs I follow and my leaving comments skills have really been lacking. But I’m going to get back on the ball. So my plan is to spend some nice computer time this weekend catching up, checking in and saying hi!

2. I got an email yesterday from the TTC/Pregnancy study I enrolled in before reminding me that I can still be considered for the study and to let me know my latest updates. I’m hoping this is just a really good case of timing and luck. Maybe its just a good sign.

3. I got my very first pair of cowboy boots. Very excited about them and hopefully I can get them worn in soon. I apparently have one foot that is fatter than the other so it might take a bit for them to fit just right.

4. Today has been a little less crazy at work so I’ve actually had time to listen to my Ipod and all my new downloads.

5. I finished a really great (and really long) audio book yesterday – Brisingr (http://www.amazon.com/Brisingr-Inheritance-Cycle-Christopher-Paolini/dp/0375826742/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1305911773&sr=8-11) and that the next book will be coming out later this year. EEEK – love this series. Just a fun little getaway.

6. AF is still not here yet! So I’m still in it! If you have a little extra, share a little hope :O)

7. Today work was nice and fun. I had a great lunch out with my bestie and had some good laughs to finish up the day.

8. My hubby will be home this weekend. It will be nice to have just some us hanging out time. And if the weather holds out we might go to the local Renaissance Festival.


Tell me, how about you? What is positive in your day today or in your plans? Do you have any weekend goals?

Whats Goin On?

CD 38

Just a lovely little update. Today was the same as yesterday, no signs of AF and still getting BFN when testing. I even used a different test this morning.
So now I think I will wait out the weekend, test Sunday and if the results are still the same call my doc first thing Monday morning.

My only concern is that I have had small little twinges on the right side. These have not been painful but have felt different than gas or AF cramps. Part of me is terrified this might be ectopic and the other half is just saying AF is late.

I really wish I knew what was going on.

This not knowing when OV happened blows.

Today is CD36. Four tests so far this cycle the last being two days ago with a BFN. My longest cycle ever has been 40 days and that was while I was possible still weaning off the pill. My longest cycle with Clomid was 36 days with spotting starting on CD 35 and 36, full blown AF on CD 37.

I sit here now wondering when should I try to test again. If I had used an expensive test on Sunday, would I have had a different result? Oddly I still do not have my hopes up. I do not have a feeling its over but just confused. For the last day or so I’ve had a few twinges of cramp like things. Not AF feeling but more like an OV tightness. Does this mean anything at all? My CM has been watery looking for like the last week.

Thoughts?