When you receive news that you do not like, I think everyone has their own way of reacting. Normally I’m a pretty positive person (partially why I titled my blog like I did) and will focus on the good things. When my husband gets upset he normally gets mad first and I in turn try to remind him of all the ways it could be worse.
Today those roles are very clearly switched. I’m spitting mad and feel very bitter. Not at him but at our situation. My brow is so furrowed I just might need Botox by the end of the day. Everyone and everything I look at is seen from very negative eyes and ignites a new passion of fury. The stupidest things have ticked me off already. I’m trying to say at my desk and not look at anyone. If I don’t look at them I don’t have to talk to them. If I don’t talk to them I don’t have to act like something is wrong.
My second biggest fear in life is facing me head on. My desire to have children is ingrained in my being, has been my main goal in life for as long as I can remember. My picture of happiness is having a home that my husband and I build for our children. And today we officially heard a doctor say Infertility. We did not have to hit the full year mark to hear Male infertility.
If you’ve hung around this long I guess maybe you’re interested in the details?
Well we have been told today that husband has a condition called Varicocele. (If you interested in the details of it just click on the link)
Our chances of conception right now are almost 0 percent – this is not me being dramatic at all. He said this same thing more than once. My husband is now scheduled for a varicocele repair in December. While it is an outpatient procedure he will have to take a whole week off of work. He is out of vacation time so of course the whole week will be without pay. Not to mention that fact that we need to pray very hard that insurance will cover the procedure. If they do not, we will have to put the surgery off for who knows how long.
Please don’t get me wrong, I KNOW things could be worse, but right now I truly feel crushed. I’m angry. I’m disappointed and feel helpless. I am wallowing in my pity….
(tomorrow I will be positive)