Thursday, November 4, 2010

Today Bitter is my new Black

When you receive news that you do not like, I think everyone has their own way of reacting. Normally I’m a pretty positive person (partially why I titled my blog like I did) and will focus on the good things. When my husband gets upset he normally gets mad first and I in turn try to remind him of all the ways it could be worse.

Today those roles are very clearly switched. I’m spitting mad and feel very bitter. Not at him but at our situation. My brow is so furrowed I just might need Botox by the end of the day. Everyone and everything I look at is seen from very negative eyes and ignites a new passion of fury. The stupidest things have ticked me off already. I’m trying to say at my desk and not look at anyone. If I don’t look at them I don’t have to talk to them. If I don’t talk to them I don’t have to act like something is wrong.

My second biggest fear in life is facing me head on. My desire to have children is ingrained in my being, has been my main goal in life for as long as I can remember. My picture of happiness is having a home that my husband and I build for our children. And today we officially heard a doctor say Infertility. We did not have to hit the full year mark to hear Male infertility.

If you’ve hung around this long I guess maybe you’re interested in the details?

Well we have been told today that husband has a condition called Varicocele. (If you interested in the details of it just click on the link)

Our chances of conception right now are almost 0 percent – this is not me being dramatic at all. He said this same thing more than once. My husband is now scheduled for a varicocele repair in December. While it is an outpatient procedure he will have to take a whole week off of work. He is out of vacation time so of course the whole week will be without pay. Not to mention that fact that we need to pray very hard that insurance will cover the procedure. If they do not, we will have to put the surgery off for who knows how long.

Please don’t get me wrong, I KNOW things could be worse, but right now I truly feel crushed. I’m angry. I’m disappointed and feel helpless. I am wallowing in my pity….

(tomorrow I will be positive)


  1. Lindsay, did the doctor talk to you at all about improvement post varicocelectomy?? This one isn't my forte but I did learn a bit about it in diagnosing abnormal testicular presentations. My understanding that ~3 months post-op, the vast majority of men have a great improvement in the various aspects of the sperm analysis and subsequent pregnancy rates are almost proportional. Therefore, if the result improve, you've got a reasonable chance that you will be able to conceive this baby without having to go down the line of IUI etc.

    While it is not fool proof and there are a proportion who either do not improve or cannot conceive, the fact that there is an opportunity to correct the problem is a really good thing. Not only for conceiving this child, but for future kiddies (assuming it doesn't recur).

    Can I strongly recommend that you get your DH started on some kind of supplementation for his little guys. Get the ball rolling now so he's got every opportunity to improve the quality of what he's making?

    You are unfortunately in a waiting phase. Even if your doctor turned around and said there is no obvious cause but we'd like to try you on XYZ supplement, it would still take ~3 months for it to take effect. (As if our one egg per month wasn't long enough). That really is the hardest part. When the desire to conceive becomes an all consuming force, patience doesn't factor and I think I said something similar to Em yesterday. All there exists is NOW. (Although we oddly tolerate the length of a cycle and then the next and the next. We are essentially a contradiction to ourselves). But it is that sense of sudden insane urgency that makes any kind of waiting seem impossible. No matter how much the wait be justified or required... it still hurts deeper than any physical knife can cut.

    I would love to be able to provide you with some magic advice that will make it all better. I don't have any. In the end I used hypnotherapy to escape the demons and try and reclaim my life. Extreme pain calls for extreme measures....

    What I will say to you is that it is important not to stifle too much of what you are feeling right now. You've taken a few hits in rapid succession. While the balance is important, so is emotional repair.


  2. Sorry to hear the not so great news Lindsay. I know that waiting to get it fixed isn't cool but I guess if it works there's light at the end of the tunnel at this stage. Try to stay strong but let out what feelings you need too!

  3. Infertility sucks! Sometimes it is best just to call it like it is, and feel the feelings that are there. I'll be crassing my fingers that insurance will pick up the tab!

  4. -hugs-

    I don't have any insight into your DHs diagnosis but as GS said at least there is a chance it can be fixed and you wont have to go down then road of IUI or even IVF. For now, if you can, hold onto that positive.

    Thinking of you. xxx