Monday, January 23, 2012

Come What May

Last summer the husband and I were on vacation and decided that it was time that we finally got tattoos together. He had six and I two but we both got our previous ones without each other. I had been looking at tons of trees and knew that was the direction I wanted to go. I found a few cute designs but was not sure where I wanted to get my next one. I was toying around with the idea of a small one on my wrist but the size it would need to be was just not something I was comfortable with. So as it turns out I ended up getting my lovely tree tat on my right foot. I just adore it and it means so much to me. 

You see this tattoo is here to remind me to be strong. To know that I can bend in the wind and handle what comes our way. I have always believed that what is meant to be will be. However our journey over the last two years has really tested this and while we may look back later on and see the full picture, right now I just can not believe that our TTC timeline is necessary. 

There are still days when I just feel empty. When the world does not make any sense and all I can see is the unfairness of it. There are days when I feel like there is no hope. The thought of looking to the future is scary and the fear of loneliness is too strong.... 

But then there are good days. When I know we will get through this. When I know that we are meant to be parents and we will someone have children in our home to teach and learn from. To love with every single bit of our beings. To stress over, to worry about, to cry over and to laugh with. To hold tight and say good night. To watch play and grow up way to fast. I know that it will happen and we can get there one day. 

So now, no matter which day I am having I know that I can handle what comes our way. 
So to this I say.....Come What May.

Friday, January 6, 2012

2012- a less than stellar start

It has been quite a long time since I have posted an update and unfortunately there is not much to catch up on.

We are still unsuccessful and again our IUI plans are being delayed for a bit longer. Still this year but not this month.

I had planned to jump back into posting again with the new year but with all the 2012 positive posts going around I am having a hard time wanting to sit down and read them. I think right now that positivity is a bit on the back burner for me. The blogging community has helped so much in the past but I just have a disconnect from my need to read others news and posts. I am also having had a hard time getting my feelings and words out (hence the major lack in posts). I think some of it has to do with my anti-D meds but somewhere deep down I think I just feel a bit broken. Like my true hope is gone and the lack of understanding how is taking over.

How are we going to make it work?
How much longer will we keep putting off the first try at an IUI?
How will we get past the fear that it will not work at all?
How much will it break us if our tries are unsuccessful?
How far is this process going to go before we get there or before we give up?

I have done a lot of hoping, wishing and praying the last few months. I have been 'relaxing' and not charting. While I am fully aware of my cycles, instead of watching them each day we are just being mindful of the best times to have "our time". Against (fertile's) unsolicited advice, are lack of technically trying has not provided the answer either. I may not agonize over symptoms or count every single day of the TWW but at the end of each cycle I still have that hope and then that overwhelming disappointment.

Some days are much better than others. Today was the end of a long and stressful week. I am glad it is over and I hope the weekend can help refresh my mind, body and mood.