2012- a less than stellar start

It has been quite a long time since I have posted an update and unfortunately there is not much to catch up on.

We are still unsuccessful and again our IUI plans are being delayed for a bit longer. Still this year but not this month.

I had planned to jump back into posting again with the new year but with all the 2012 positive posts going around I am having a hard time wanting to sit down and read them. I think right now that positivity is a bit on the back burner for me. The blogging community has helped so much in the past but I just have a disconnect from my need to read others news and posts. I am also having had a hard time getting my feelings and words out (hence the major lack in posts). I think some of it has to do with my anti-D meds but somewhere deep down I think I just feel a bit broken. Like my true hope is gone and the lack of understanding how is taking over.

How are we going to make it work?
How much longer will we keep putting off the first try at an IUI?
How will we get past the fear that it will not work at all?
How much will it break us if our tries are unsuccessful?
How far is this process going to go before we get there or before we give up?

I have done a lot of hoping, wishing and praying the last few months. I have been 'relaxing' and not charting. While I am fully aware of my cycles, instead of watching them each day we are just being mindful of the best times to have "our time". Against (fertile's) unsolicited advice, are lack of technically trying has not provided the answer either. I may not agonize over symptoms or count every single day of the TWW but at the end of each cycle I still have that hope and then that overwhelming disappointment.

Some days are much better than others. Today was the end of a long and stressful week. I am glad it is over and I hope the weekend can help refresh my mind, body and mood.