Monday, June 28, 2010

the hubby

Vector image of two human figures with hands i...Image via Wikipedia

A bit of quick background...

I grew up in a wonderful home and my goals in life have always been to provide that kind of home to my own family - comfortable, loving and grateful (just to name a few things). I've wanted kids since I was a sixteen. Plain and simple. I graduated high school and went to college with the plan to find a man and to have babies. My friends joked that my degree would be baby-making. When that didn't happen I moved back to my home town with my roommate (hi Renee *waves*) and worked. Surely, I would find my partner in baby making soon....
Well it took a while but my Man finally showed up.

But as it often happens, we were on different schedules. I was 25 and 5 years behind, he was 25 and not even thinking kids yet. I was expecting an engagement in a year, he was not too sure about that. All my friends were getting married and having kids already, he was in a serious relationship while his friends were all still single.

Once we got engaged we had to seriously talk about the baby stuff. He wanted to wait until 30, I wanted to start right away. But like you have to do in marriage and life, we comprised. So the plan was to wait two years. Two years of just us but the still early enough to have at least one child by 30.

The closer we got to our two year anniversary the more he started to break down. He started stressing out and I really think he questioned his life overall and maybe us for a few brief seconds. But the closer I got the more excited I became. The time I have so patiently and responsibly waited for was drawing near. Almost everyone of my friends have kids and some are working on number two (or three, sigh, or four). I'll never forget the time I had a small breakdown I had in the living room crying, no bawling my eyes out to him because my (future) babies would have no one to play with because everyone else would have babies that would be too old. This was a very low point for me.

Probably a year or more til our anniversary, he told me - "When we start trying, don't tell me please. I don't want to know. I just don't know if I can do it if I really know we're trying."
This was hard for me to hear but he said it over, and over, and OVER, and over again. In a way I understood this, but he made it clear that this was my 'thing'. The kid thing was all me and what I wanted. I know a lot of it was fear and would go away but at the end of the day it worried me. Don't get me wrong, I never thought he would go running out the door, but he's my person, my person to talk to. How was I going to handle the stress of 'trying' and not be able to talk about it?
I would talk to friends about these feelings and a few worried for me and others said, don't worry he'll come around when its time. And I knew this, I really did, but fear and doubt can be strong.

So, I'll admit those two years were very, very hard at times. Here I was happily married so why couldn't we just jump the gun, try a little earlier? But a deals a deal and we waited.

Anyways, as expected we hit our two year mark and I kept my lips sealed. I ordered extra BC because I had a lapse of fear and thought about waiting a bit longer. But in the end I stopped taking them a week before our anniversary. And since then we've been trying....

But that's not all. This (unexpectedly) long post is not just about our thoughts and history. It really boils down to this little fact - Today I just realized something. It creeped up on me and I didn't even know it. My husband, my baby-making partner is right next to me in all of this. He's been listening to me and trying to understand these last few months. He wants to know where we are in the month and he is encouraging. He is trying to be considerate of my feelings and is talking about how we'll just try again next month. There might be fear still there but its our fears now and its 'us' trying. It's a we thing.

I love him so much! And am so proud to hold his hand and call him mine.

Cute Shoes and flowers

Today was not as bad as I expected it to be. My mood was overall a good.

Lets see, the day started off with new shoes...Bright green shoes with little pink whales. A great deal and comfortable. I felt a little light-hearted putting them on and all day I was told how cute they were. See....don't you agree?

After getting ready I got in my car and started to pull out of the drive and looked up to see the pretties flowers in yard. I'm not a play out in the dirt kind of person so I can't take credit for these but I'm very thankful my Granny came over and planted these. They really put a smile on my face :)

I have a nice drive in to work after that. Of course, once I get there its a Monday and the normal annoying work like things happen and are they twice as annoying simply because its a Monday. Our system don't work, so we can only work at 50% capacity which puts us about 75% behind. Normal BS really.

Not so normal, I applied for another position. I doubt I'll get it but its so up my alley that I don't know if I could be happy with myself if I let it pass by. Right now I'm very happy with where I'm at so its not a move I want to make really so I'm just testing the waters. I really felt bad giving my boss a heads up about it because our department has really had a rough time lately and another change would not really welcome. Regardless, I'm happy with myself for just making a quick choice and just doing it. Guess we'll see where it goes later on.

Not long after, our management sends out an email with our new seating chart. (we're moving buildings next month) I'm sad to say I got pretty irritated about it. I got all worked up with who would be sitting around me and just got way to fussy about it.

The rest of the day went by pretty smooth after that. Had a nice lunch, worked some, bought some movies after work....AND did not get upset or emotional over the fact that AF is hanging around right now

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Screaming and Shouting


Today is CD 38 and the first signs of AF are showing up, the awful witch will be here by tomorrow morning. I'm just so mad!

I said before this month started, "its going to be a wash, he'll be out of town." Well we BD the day before and I relaxed, tried not to worry but when your cycle is nearly 40 days long how can you not? There were no symptoms leaning either way but yesterday and today I was really getting my hopes up. I tried so hard not to be hopeful - I knew, I really KNEW this wasn't it but when your body isn't providing any clues its just so damn hard not to hope.

I'm a very positive person and this is really wearing me down. I feel like every aspect of me is suffering because I'm in a moody cloud. I feel like I'm on pins and needles just waiting to hear who the next person is to be pregnant.

Last week we had one baby visit the office and I ran away to the bathroom so I didn't have to be in the oh and ah crowd. We also had another lady who brought in her 2 year old grand daughter, and again I ran away. My SIL is due soon and we had to go over to their house for our nephew's Birthday - I didn't even want to look at her! I couldn't help it. I felt so awful but I really just wanted to go home. Honestly I don't think I spoke more than a few words to her the whole time we were there. And then after leaving I agonized over what they must think of me and how rude I must have seemed.

I feel so broken and hopeless. Tears are just not enough.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Stuck in the Middle

So today is CD 35....

That is technically 6 days late, but last month AF showed up on CD 39.
It's been five days since I tested BFN but so far no real signs of AF.
Trying to decide if I want to test again or wait a few more days.
Trying not to symptom watch. Again. Trying NOT to symptom watch.

On to other things....I have come obsessed with reading other people's blogs. The happy ones from people that just found out, the ones still struggling, ones still hoping and other random ones. It's just so darn nice to know and feel like you are not the only one having these feelings. It's nice to read and feel happy for these ladies who are getting their little miracles - and oddly enough I don't hate them/judge them/cry or be jealous because I get to read their whole story. I get to decide which blogs I want to read and when. I get to choose if I want to 'walk on by' a pregnant now blog.
I like feeling a bit in control.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Being Strong

As previously stated the hubby was out of town during ovulation time, so now I'm just waiting for this cycle to end. While I would love this to be an easy process the fact that my last cycle and this one are both turning about to be about 10 days longer...
That's 20 days total.
That's 2/3 of a normal cycle.
That's 2/3 of a month this year that we are not able to use for conception.

Whew, I feel a bit better now. Back to being strong.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Out of Town

Well the husband went out of town - and of course its my Ovulation day. I knew it was probably going to time out this way but its still a hard hit knowing that this month is a complete wash.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Other People's News

How it is that I'm so emotionally stressed that the simple news of hearing someone else is pregnant can completely turn my really great day into one where I want to cry?

It's not right of me to get so upset and to feel so angry, but I can't help it. My emotions have been on such a roller coaster lately that if I we weren't trying I would head straight to the Dr to ask for medication!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Doctor's Advice

So whats worse than sitting around at work among friends or at work with a preggo friend or two...sitting in a Dr's office being the only one NOT pregnant...

I finally sucked it up and went in to talk to my Dr about us trying. I was due for my yearly anyways but I was so stressed to go. I have such a fear of being told we'll have problems. I worried so much on the way there that by the time I got to my appointment, they said my blood pressure was elevated.

Very happy to say all is well and no extra worries but one of the most disheartening things I've heard so far came from my Dr -

"You know its completely normally for a couple to take up to a year to get pregnant. Come back and see me this time next year if your still trying"

It took everything I had to make it out of the office, down the elevator and to my car before having a small breakdown. I've read these things before and honestly I knew, but to just be told right to your face, (whew) it was tough.


(further Statics, not sure how accurate this is but it does not excite me)
Even for perfectly healthy couples, unprotected intercourse does not always result in a positive pregnancy test the first month that they try. For the average couple, the statistics seem to indicate that:

50% will get pregnant within 4 months
75% will take up to 8 months
90% will conceive with 1 year

That means the odds are in your favor that you will fall pregnant within twelve months of trying.