Friday, October 29, 2010

Positive Friday

Well its been a hard week, but I will not let it get me down.

Its time for Positive Friday.

1. All hope is not lost and hopefully some answers next week

2. We had a fun day at work with Creepy Cube Crawling (I totally came up with that name :)) Pretty much it was trick or treating at our desks, but still fun.

3. Tomorrow I get to do the local Breast Cancer Walk with my Mom

4. My family and husband are being very understanding this week about my moods and are trying to be positive for me.

5. I found a candy corn painted piggy bank at target yesterday. It is so darn freaking cute. My husband's nickname is Candy corn and we have a pig, so its just perfect for us.
6. We are going to a friends house tonight to carve pumpkins
Hope you can find a few positive things to be happy about today too.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Until next week

I’m surprised, but today I feel a bit better. Thank you all for your very sweet comments.

Today I’m listening to show tunes with online radio. Last night I downloaded the whole Rent soundtrack but wonderfully enough my IPod has died. I think it’s just a battery issue and having someone look at it this weekend. Worst case I’ll just get a new one for my birthday (a bit early but I don’t mind). Anyways, back to the show tunes - I think because most of the songs tell a story, I’ve been able to listen and keep myself from thinking about other things.

Tonight I have a work outing for dinner and drinks. I will not be drinking but I think it will still be fun. I might have the hubby stop by to meet a few of my work friends.

Beyond that we have a busy weekend. I will however find some time for myself. I need to work though some of these emotions and end my pity party. I just keep trying to remind myself that it could be worst, it’s not over yet and we have options. And we have an appointment next week with the urologist. I will probably be anxious up until then but I am looking forward to it.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Why Us? (the million dollar quesiton)

This pain, stress, tears, anger, agony....why us?

Did you know that Sperm takes three months to produce and mature and there is often a 4-6 month delay between treatment of the man and resulting changes in the sperm. -
Are you kidding me? REALLY? We have answer and right now I can hope for results in another 6 months?!?

Over 50% of men will have a treatable cause of male factor infertility - is this a silver lining?

Most infertility cases (85% to 90%) are treated with conventional medical therapies such as medication or surgery. - will this be us? if so, will the medical therapy be too expensive?

Approximately 15% of couples attempting their first pregnancy meet with failure.
Why us?
Why anyone?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Having a small breakdown

I just called into my doc and the results are in. My doctor has not had a chance to review the results yet but the nurse could tell I was anxious and gave me a bit of it.

Pretty much it came back abnormal and without medical intervention are chances are greatly decreased. Honestly I didn't hear much more after that. I tried to sound calm but I was losing it. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through today.

She said they would call me back later on today after talking to the doctor and getting an official prognosis and plan of action. She was very persistent in telling me not to tell him about it until I have all the information.

I just don't know what to do right now.



Thankfully the nurse called me back within the hour. Even with not crying I think she could tell I was a basketcase.

So the official stats are this -

Very low chance of conception without medical intervention

Total count is 74 million (over 40 is good, so this number is fantastic)
Viability is 84% (over 50 is preferred)
Concentration is 17 million (should be over 20)
Mobility is 17% (should be over 50%)

First plan of action is going to see a Urologist. This should be a cheaper option instead of going straight to the fertility clinic.

I feel a bit numb right now. We are officially a statistic.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Pins and needles

I called Friday to ask about the hubby's SA test results. They said to call back Monday.
Well, its Monday and......

So far no results. I called this morning and she said they had not seen anything yet but that she would give them a call to check on it. I took that to mean she would call me back. But so far no call back.....

I called about 4:00 to see if I could check in before their day ends and the secretary said she would have the nurse call me. But I think the boat has sailed for today.....

I thought they said at the collection place that they would fax over the report and any treatment/conception plans. So, friends and visitors - has anyone else has one of these recently? Does my doctor have to see the report first? Can the nurse just give me the results? I'm starting to worry that they are not calling back because something is wrong. I HATE this fearful feeling.

I feel like a teenager watching my phone.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Peak Day

Just a quick update -
My body and CBEFM came through for me. I had a peak day yesterday and today - so this means OV is today. I love when it falls on the weekend. So much easier for planning purposes.

I could really tell a difference with my body this cycle using Clomid. My ovaries ached for two days. The ache has stopped today which helps me believe the CBEFM is correct and on track. And today is CD17! My last few cycles have really long with OV hitting in the mid twenties. I much prefer this earlier OV day.

Also, I called the doc Friday afternoon about the hubby's SA and the test results were not in yet. They said to call back on Monday. Honestly I don't mind the wait. Instead we can enjoy our BDing this weekend and blissfully hope that this will be our month until proven otherwise.

Friday, October 22, 2010

ICLW and Positive Friday

Welcome visitors and thank you for stopping by.

Here’s the long of it –
We’ve been trying since February. I know this is not as long as some/most but it’s so very long to us. The cycles have been odd, long, weird and trying. I’ve temped, watched CM, freaked out a few times, used OPKs, tried to relax…..

The short of it –
Today is CD 15 and my CBEFM has been giving a high reading for 7 days now. I had a few twinges of pain on my right side yesterday so I just knew for sure I was at OV but so far no peak days. I’m starting to wonder if maybe the monitor missed my peak-ness but will keep POS until it tells me to stop.
Tuesday we went to the clinic to have the hubby’s stuff tested and we hope to hear the results today. I’m terrified of knowing and terrified of not knowing. Hopefully I’ll find something out later on today.

And now…..

Positive Friday Time!
I starting doing this last month and honestly it has helped my mood and I even think it’s lowered my stress levels too. All I’m doing is making a point to stop each Friday and think of some times that I can be happy or Positive about.

1. We get to find out the results to the analysis. Good or bad news, it’s a good thing just to know.
2. Its CD 15 and a good chance I will OV soon (compared to CD 20ish or worse)
3. I finished reading my book club book for this month early. Now I get to start reading something with fluff.
4. Its ICLW – I love comments and finding new blogs to read. This blogging community is wonderful and helps me more than I ever expected it to.
5. A friend of mine is making me a blog button. I hope to have it soon
6. It is Friday, plain and simple. The weeks been long and busy but now the weekend is a few hours away.

So before moving on, I encourage you to take a moment to think of a positive thing or two that you can be happy about today. Feel free to share it here or even do your own post today.

(p.s - I love my followers and try to keep up with them as much as possible - so if your new, decide to follow me and your blog is not visible, please send me your link so I can stop by and say Hi sometime)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Well that part is done

It’s been a bit busy lately and really that’s helped me a lot. I’ve spent more time on distractions and less time on ‘woe is me’ stuff.

Since my last post-
I hung out and had a few drinks with some co-workers last Friday. It was so much fun and I really enjoyed myself. It’s really nice getting to know the people you see everyday outside of work. The hubby had to go out of town over the weekend so I had a lot of free time for me. Saturday I helped my Mom for most of the afternoon raising money for the breast cancer awareness walk we were doing the end of this month. I had fun there too and was impressed with how much we raised. Sunday I got to spend more time with my family and then hung out with the hubby once he got home.

Monday was uneventful but Tuesday was test day. I took the day off to spend with the hubby and drove us over to the appointment. First of all I got us lost. I parked in the wrong parking garage but luckily it was only one block away. So we high-ailed it up the road and made it only 15 minutes late. We were both in good spirits but slightly nervous. It was a really nice office and while I hope we will not need any other services there, I felt comfortable knowing this will be the place to go if we get to the point of needing a FS. After leaving there we had a nice lunch and a wonderful lazy afternoon.

Now we get to wait for the test results – hopefully they will be ready on Friday. I do not plan on stressing out about it!

I did want to take a quick moment to welcome a new follower - Calmly Chaotic
She left a wonderful comment yesterday that really meant a lot to me in response to my fear of getting the stuff tested –

I met with a fertility psychologist last week (yes I am at that point)and she emphasized the difference between men and woman. Woman have this feeling that once they decide they want to have a baby, it should have happened yesterday. Men think it will happen when it should. The sense of urgency (sometimes desperation) just isn't there for most men and they have trouble understanding how we feel. I hope you find some answers soon.

I really appreciate that she took the time to share this with me. It really made sense and puts a very truthful perspective on how I’m feeling compared to my husband. While he tries very hard to understand that desperation is beyond his grasp. I understand this and its nice to hear that its not just ‘us’.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Another Positive Friday!

I am starting to look forward to my Friday posts. While this week was a bit much emotionally I got through it! Now I’m going to look forward to the weekend and think of a few positive things to start that off.

1. I was invited to go out after work with a few people that I’ve never really hung out with before. It’s always nice to feel included and to get to know people more.
2. Next week the hubby and I are going to have the ‘stuff’ tested. So I’m sending positive Friday thoughts in that direction and hoping for great results.
3. A friend from my book club had surgery on Monday and she is home and doing great.
4. Tomorrow I get to spend part of my Saturday at a fundraiser for our local Breast Cancer Awareness walk
5. found the music video for Jar of Hearts. This artist is very new but I just love her voice and tone. Hopefully she’ll put out her album soon.
The song is a sad one but what is cool about it is the story behind it. I love the TV show So You Think You Can Dance and this last season one of the choreographers did a dance to this song. She was unknown and the song blew up overnight on Itunes (I was one of those to download it). Well in the video she includes the dance from the show.

Last but not least -
6.One of our niece’s left us the most precious card at the in-law’s house earlier this week, so sweet it made me cry a little:

So there are my positive thoughts for the day. I hope you can take a moment and think of something positive about your day before moving on to another blog :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A grey sky kind of day

Today I am in a mood and it is not a good one.
I feel like I should be crying
Yet I feel so empty and devoid of emotion.
It’s a different kind of pain.
I want to be comforted and understood.
I want to be left alone and invisible.
Life is unfair, I know this.
But is it necessary to shove this down my throat?

I have fear
Fear of not knowing
Fear of actually knowing
Desperate to know what’s coming
Terrified it will be what I fear

Distractions only work for so long
I can only stay so busy
Eventually my mind takes over and helps me remember
That I am without
Sleep would be nice but then I have dreams
The dreams also know
They also want
I wake up and I’m still empty

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Well we’re biting the bullet. I’m taking the hubby next week to get the “stuff” checked out. We had a talk about it last month and I told him we could wait a bit and try the Clomid first but if that didn’t work he would have to step up to the plate. I mentioned it to him late last week and it really put him in a bad mood. It’s not the cup-ness that bother’s him but instead the amount of things that will change once we do succeed. He wants kids and will be a wonderful father one day but right now he can’t picture it beyond the fear. These moments end up being really hard for me. I’m torn from wanting to help him and being upset that he’s not looking past the small picture. Anyways he was has perked up a bit and asked me to book the appointment.

I have admit I am also fearful, but for a different reason. I am terrified that we’ll have this “stuff” tested and that there will be an actual problem. I know its stupid not to know and silly to get upset over nothing but I am really worried about getting the results back. But instead of looking at that part of the picture I'll divert my eyes for now and instead look forward and hope for the best.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Clomid is in use and the hot flashes are on!
Wishing for a successful cycle.
This is all I ask.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


At different stages in my life I have hooked on to certain songs or artists that have been able to soothe my emotions or enhance my happiness. Lately I have searching for that song or artist that covers what I'm feeling right now. But so far nothing has been just right. I think its safe to say there are not a lot of songs about this stage of things. However I have been able to find solace in parts of songs.

I think music is one of the main outlets I use for my emotions. I might not write my own songs or poems but I connect so much with the words behind a song. For years I have copied down lyrics or referenced them in one way or another.

Last night I got to see sara bareilles in concert and it was wonderful. Quite a few of her songs affect me on an emotional level and here are a few little pieces of them.....


No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before, this is
No broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...


I don't want to talk about it to you
I'm not an open book that you can rifle through
The cold hard truth that you'll see right to
I'm just basket case without you


I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time


I'll breathe again...

Friday, October 8, 2010

Positive Friday

After a hard night that included many, many tears I am happy to be here on today with Positive Friday. I will not dwell on the negative and instead find a few things to be happy about today.

Had to go to the dentist this morning, so my teeth are all nice and clean.
1. I feel really cute in my outfit today
2. I’m going to a concert tonight with my best friend – Sara Bareilles!!!! We are so excited.
3. Since I’m going out tonight I don’t have to fix dinner tonight
4. My husband does NOT have to work this weekend.
5. A fellow blogger posted a quote I have been looking for for months! Thanks again Jess

Last but certainly not least....
6.An old neighbor was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last month (I know this is bad but wait for the positive part – BTW this is Breast Cancer Awareness month!) and she had her surgery and they got it all. She will NOT have to have any chemo! So happy to hear such a great outcome.

Thank you for stopping by and I hope before you move on to other things stop for a moment and think of something positive you can be happy about today!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

No Go On This Round

There was bit of spotting yesterday and today while it’s not in full swing I think its just plain denial to not call it CD1.
I know the chances were not going to improve with the first try at Clomid but I could not help but hope. Called my Doc this morning and she is calling in my refill today so I can start the second round over the weekend.

So I think it’s safe to call this day CD1
(Insert much sadness, un-cried tears, slight emotional breakdown)
I’m holding back and not going to have a fit at work today. I do however have a headache from not crying.

It just so happened a friend asked me today how I was doing and she is one of the few around me that asks and really means it. She said I seem defeated and honestly I really do. I feel beat down. I feel like life is kicking me in the shins and laughing at my pain.

So I’ve been throwing around the idea of acupuncture the last few months and I think it might be time to just try it. Looked it up online, found an office ten minutes from work and our insurance gets me 20% discount. I have so many questions and will have to write them out before calling. My biggest concern is of course cost and how often they will expect me to go. Any thoughts?

What about herbals? I’m only taking a prenatal right now but I wonder if I should be doing more. Hopefully I can find some time today to see if there are any Clomid issues when taking herbals.

**I totally forgot! Hello to my new followers! You are much appreciated. A few of you are hidden to me so if you don't mind, please message me your blog link so I can get to know your better as well.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Vacation :)

I'm trying to move on from lower point and sad I'll tell you about our vacation! Yeah, its over now but it was great. The hubby and I ran down to Florida for a long weekend that was much needed. I'm happy to say we were able to enjoy ourselves and the time with out having any TTC windows looming.

We drove down on Thursday and had the best weather all weekend long. While unpacking my husband noticed very quickly that he packed everything we needed, expect for his shirts! He was so mad and all I could do was laugh at him! So Friday we had lunch at a Irish pub that makes the best honey bread and fish & chips then went shirt shopping.

Saturday we drove over to Alabama to visit the SS Alabama (a battleship). It was really cool and very interesting. I'm not a fan of tight spaces and stairs so there were a few moments of fear during the tour but seeing that ship was worth it. They also had a submarine there you could walk through. For future reference this is something I will never do again. It had way to many people in there and I learned just how bad my claustrophobia is. The whole thing is literally a small hallway with a few bathroom sized rooms to step into. You can only go in one way and we happened to venture in right behind a troop of Boy Scouts. They of course stopped to look at everything and about halfway through my breathing got shallow and I was on the verge of tears. Finally I pushed my husband forward enough to get past them and got the hell out of there. I told him later that if had moved any slower he and the troop might not have made it.

Sunday we got up and went back to the Irish Pub for a Sunday Brunch. Its something new they just started and it was wonderful. I tried Eggs Benedict for the first time and loved it. Each meal also came with a free Irish Coffee. The only bad part of the weekend was when we noticed my license plate was stolen and we had to file a claim with the local sheriff's department. After filing a report we headed over to the theater to see The Town. It was a very good movie and a good choice to see on the big screen. After the movie, we stopped by our favorite spot in FL - the Crap Shack. And of course, we had Crab. It was by far the best we have had so far.

Monday we drove back home, took our time and had a nice last day of Vacation.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A Less Than Fun Morning

I made a stupid decision this morning. I decided last night that I was going to go ahead and POAS today just because it was my last day of vacation and maybe, just maybe I would get a nice surprise. And as you can always guess, it was a BFN. Even worse I dreamed about taking the test all night long. That should have been enough of a hint for me but who listens to logic when they are desperate? Yes, today is only 10DPO but my normal LP is 11 days so it's only one day early right? I did not however stop to think about how the Clomid might affect this part of the cycle. Who knows, maybe my body is shooting for 40 days and 40 is CD34 so it would make just a nice little wrap to a very long cycle....

As I sit hear now, I have a little twinge of something going on on my right side. Cramps? Stomach Ache? A symptom? Honestly I do not even want to guess. I'm holding on to this little piece of hope that is slipping through my finger tips, with tears in my eyes I think I might just have to let it go.

Since this post is already on a negative kind of spin I guess I will just continue. I have been trying to catch up on some blogs I missed over the weekend and came across one that hit a chord. She was mainly telling 2010 to F-off because the year sucked and there was not a BFP in sight. I have to admit it struck me hard to think of the year and while it as a whole has not sucked, this TTC part really has. I did all this waiting and hoping for the right time to start trying. And jaded, I expected fast results. Now, sitting here the weather has changed, my next birthday is looming, a new cousin was born last Friday, another one is due in December and I just realized that this year really is pretty much over. The chances that we would have a child this year is long gone and the hope of even getting started is really unlikely. If/when this cycle is not successful I will have to call my Doc and talk to her about the Clomid and how it went. Then we'll try again and if my cycle does another long repeat, only have time left this year for one or two more tries. Then I'll get my hopes up and pray for a Christmas miracle, which of course will not happen and then I'll start off 2011 on some type of depression medication. (whew, writing it out just made it that more clear and awful).

See what one little stick can do for positivity?

Saturday, October 2, 2010

A Great Long Weekend

CD 31 / 7DPO - I'm not sure about this cycle. I've had funny feelings all weekend but I'm not sure if any of them are symptoms - headaches mostly and some uneasy stomach feelings. Keeping my hopes up but trying to just enjoy my vacation.

The hubby and I are currently hanging out in FL for the weekend. We've had a great time - visiting a battleship, having crab legs, seeing movies and of course hanging out on the beach. Its been the best weather we've seen here in quite a while.

I'm going to make this a short one, but first - I was giving my first blog award the other day from Angie at Random Thoughts from Angie
Thanks so much Angie! I'll share and answer my questions later on this week.

Happy thoughts to all (and me!), hoping for late AF's and sticky babies :)