Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Blogger - you make me angry

So I am about over Blogger not letting me comment on other blog. If you have not heard from me in a while it is not because I forgot about you. - the stupid thing just won't let me!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Only Half of an Update

CD 9

We are still playing the run around game. My husband's Urologist is by far the most frustrating office I have ever had to deal with. I honestly believe they did not like me calling and now they have put in his chart that they can only talk to him.

So the doctor called my husband on Friday to give him the SA test results. There are some improvements but things still look pretty slim. This is what my husband told me. He did not get all of the same details, for example the total count. Since he did not know what to ask for he was a bit in the dark with what they were telling him. I am still an angry ball of nerves right now since I have not heard the full bit.

They told my hubby that they would fax the details over to my OBGYN for their review as well. As of this afternoon they have yet to receive it. I am trying to stay calm and wait until my doctor has had time to see it and give her opinion. At this point I do not trust the other office and they can all go fall in a hole.

Hopefully tomorrow I can get all the details and the full story.

Friday, June 24, 2011

If My Mood Was Anymore Foul I Would Stink

CD 6

To say I’m in a bad mood right now is such an understatement it is laughable. I literately want to hiss at people if they look at me took long. Of course with today being Friday everyone is all chirpy and loud. I want to stand up so bad right now and tell everyone to shut up. I want to seriously hurt someone just to make myself feel better. I am wound up so tight right now I feel like I could break into a million pieces. I am on such a thin line between crying and screaming. Even now, while typing I’m going back and forth between angry and crying. This is just not ok. If this day does not improve I might have to ask to go home.

We have been waiting to hear the results of the last SA since Tuesday. Tuesday I called and the results were in but the nurse said the doctor was out and we had to wait. So we waited until he was back yesterday. I called yesterday morning to get the results and the nurse tells me he has not had time to look at them and that he will get to it and they will call me back that day. So I waited until almost four o’clock and call them back (mainly from fear that the closed at four) and again the answer is not yet, he has not had time. But the nurse, who btw has the personality of a ugly bug and you can hear in her voice how little she cares, says she will call back today. So we wait some more. Then at bit before five I get a call from them that hangs up as soon as I answer. Ok, so I wait another minute…..no call back, no message. Great, is that how they are going to do this? Call me back, not talk and then leave the office? I try to call back and am put on hold for nearly five minutes. The nurse sounds annoyed when she answers and tells me she called my husband and told him that the doctor had to leave early and they would have to call us in the morning. Are you freaking kidding me!?!

~Why did you call my husband when I am the one that has been calling you for the results? I honestly took that as an insult that she did not want to talk to me because I have been bothering them. And yes I do feel as though I was bothering them.

~Why, why, WHY could he not take two damn minutes to view the flipping results throughout the day, or maybe, just maybe before he left? I know it’s a urology office and most of the calls there are more than like not too urgent, but to me this one sure is. All the doctor is going to do is look at them and go “ok, you can call them now.” And the nurse will still be the one we hear from.

This morning I woke up and feel anxious and my stomach is upset. On my way into work I decide to stop at McDonalds and get a coffee drink. I do not think I would eat anything right now and maybe I can stomach just a coffee. Long story short on this part – I had a free drink coupon and the store refused it. I left with no drink and pissed off as could be. I called to ask why and the manager who denied it was hard to understand because and did not make any sense. She kept saying something about the owner and when I asked who that was her answer was Mr. MD. Yeah she said that. I would much rather her have been honest and say she could not tell me or maybe to call back later on in the day to speak to someone else. But no, the answer I got was a smart ass and just made me even madder. I called corporate and that did not get anywhere. I really did not need this kind of stupidity on top of my mood.

So now, I’m at work and waiting. I fully expect them to call my husband instead of me and I know this will upset me but I can not do anything about it. The lovely bit there is that my husband will be on the bush-hog most of the morning today and will not be able to hear his phone. So that will lead to even more waiting. The anger I have towards this is amazing and I have no where to displace these feelings. So I quietly leave the house and plan on just being quite and waiting.

I’m on the verge of crying every flipping two seconds. I just want to be alone right now and be pitiful and dwell. My hope and positivity was used up earlier this week. I actually spent most of the morning thinking about calling my doctor about considering an anti-D medication. I should be able to control these feelings more and not feel like I am about to lose it.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

IF really is all about waiting, isn’t it?


I have a headache and I blame IF. Actually I blame it on stress. But lately those are one in the same. The hubby’s SA test is back but we will not be able to find anything out until Thursday. The doctor is out of the office until then and the nurse will not/can not tell me the numbers. This scares me a little because my first thought was that if it was good news she could have told us. Hopefully this is not the case but my wish to be positive and my gut feelings are fighting on this one.

On a lighter note – yesterday morning at work I got out my fully-cooked bacon from my lunch bag and go to heat it up – well the back looked like big ol’ sperm (shape wise). I laughed pretty good at that and thought well maybe it is just a funny sign.

My parents just got back form a vacation trip to Mexico and my Mom brought me home a Mayan fertility idol. I’m supposed to cover it in honey and then wash it off with only water. And I need to do this in a bucket because all the water used has to go outside. And I’m supposed to do this every 28 days until we are successful. It is supposed to line up with the days of your cycle and the moons so I don’t know if I’m supposed to start it on a certain day or not. So far I have not found much research on it online but I guess it can’t hurt to try it out.

At least it is not a scary looking thing. He looks a lot like this -

Friday, June 17, 2011

Getting To Explain Is Not Always Better

So I got called out today. Remember my bitter bird post? Well one of my coworkers asked me today what was wrong with me then. She noticed it then but didn’t say anything. Apparently she has noticed it before that I seem to change whenever kids are brought into the office and she wanted to ask me why. She knows our story and the current statuses so I was a bit surprised to have this question brought up but she is the kind of person that cares and I know she was asking from a caring place.

I explained to her about how trapped I felt being surrounded by people looking at this baby over in my cube. That I have lost my desire to pick up and love on any random baby I see. This is a trait I use to have but now I just can’t. I think it is more of a self preservation kind of thing. I can faun over baby now and cry uncontrollably later on or I can try and shut those emotions off to avoid that despair. I love the ladies I work with and completely understand the desire to show off your child that you talk about everyday but it’s really hard to face them on the days they do this. It is not that I do not want to coo and ahh at your child it’s that I can not control all the emotions that flood in afterwards.

She listened and said that while she did not fully understand the exact situation because she not go through it, she understands what I’m saying. But now I sit at my desk feeling ashamed that someone could so clearly see me being uncomfortable.

I also skipped going to my 10 year High School reunions last week for the same self preservation reasons. I was literally scared of the idea of spending a night hanging out with a bunch of people asking those three main questions – You married? Got Kids? Oh, Why Not?

I do not like the idea of living life in fear and maybe that really is all it is, but is it wrong of me to not appease everyone else to make them more comfortable and suffer for it later?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Proof Is in the Cup


A week from now we should have an answer. Good or bad, we should know something.

Six months ago the hubby had a Varicocele repair that hopefully improved his swimmers. Before surgery our chance of conception without medical intervention was in the 2 to 3% range. Now after waiting twice as long as is necessary we went this morning and let him have fun the cup. (there really is no nice way to say that). It was a lot easier on him this time around and we both kidded around most of morning and on the way to the clinic. He was just all easy, breezy about it but I on the other hand was a freakin ball of nerves. My heart was racing, I kept having to take deep breaths and at a bit of the drive I felt nauseous. Thankfully most of that passed once we left the clinic but I’m still a bit on edge.

I am fearful that the surgery did not help and that are options are going to stay limited. I kept running figures through my head and wondering what we can really afford to do right now if this is unsuccessful. And after last week being full of really down moments I am trying to push the fears away.

So this afternoon I search for positive updates on varicocele repairs and found some good things out there. One spot said that 40% of the repairs helps and the couple’s were pregnant within 9 months. I am not sure if that number includes IUI or IVF but that’s still a pretty good amount. Even if that is inflated or wildly inaccurate I’m going to being positive and hope for the best. For the past three months I have tried to be optimist and I think I can hold out for another week. I know I can.

I know that regardless of the outcome I can handle this. I can get to the other side of this hill.

And I could not finish up this post without saying a very sweet thank you to all of the ladies that left me comments this past week. I have gone back and read many of them a few times because they really did help me pull out of the funk. It is so hard to turn to a friend that is not in this boat and have understanding, but here each of you have given me support that has made such a difference. I honestly believe that if I did not blog and have this connection I would be in a depression right now.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Bitter Bird Here

(Probably going to cuss a bit here, you’ve been warned)

Well my day was going ok. I’ve been a busy bee all week long and happy for it. Today things seem to be winding down and since I prefer a more causally Friday I’m happy for it.

However this week has not been that easy for me TTC emotional wise. Had a few rough days and really I thought I was coming out of it, but alas that has been squashed. Instead I come back from lunch to be surrounded my many a fellow coworkers swooning over someone’s toddler. Don’t get me wrong the baby if very cute and sweet but I was literally trapped in my cubicle by the crowd. I had a few items to run down to the shipping dock and only had a few minutes to get them there so I was trying to hurry up and finish those packing slips and get away. I’ve obviously working on something and have my back turned to everyone and one of my coworkers asks if I’ve seen our visitor. Why of course I have. She is at the door of my cube talking up a storm while everyone else prompts her in baby annoying baby talk. Of course I can see and here her. Might be infertile but I’m not deft and dumb. At that point I got up and ran to the printer (while having to push through the crowd of people at work – not working!) to finish my task. Thankfully from there I got to run away. But after going as slow as possible I come back and they are all still there. So next I go to the bathroom and have a bit of a cry – thankfully I was able to keep it to just a few tears and avoid a bright red face. Yet still the crowd is still freaking there. So I run to someone else’s office to chitchat and get away. It didn’t take long for the crowd to follow and people are then out in the freaking floor calling for her to walk across the room.

Ugh, I really think of work as a safe place. Kids don’t work here and unless you are knocked up I don’t have to see one. I don’t want to hide away from the world but I sure as hell don’t want to be swamped with it at work. It’s so sad, but yes my first thought is indeed - “Great you’re a fucking fertile. Glad you have the time to show it off”. (sigh) I really hate that I am not longer in the phase of wanting to see and hold every little baby I see. That use to be me but now it only causes a reminder that you have what I desire most.

So now I’m sitting at my desk stewing a bit and being a very bitter bird. So ready for this day to be over.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

pushing through

I feel as those I'm losing parts of my sanity. At one point I want to think these feelings are just so strong all at once because I keep them at bay and when I let them in they are so dark. Other times I feel like I must be bi-polar.

So days I feel like I am just doing so well and then a little dark spot will happen. I'm torn between talking to others and just keeping it to myself. Even the best of friends don't know what to say. Its just a mood killer. All anyone can says is that they are sorry. I can sometimes make an awkward joke about our situation but in the end I'm the only one laughing. Even when I try to be light hearted it doesn't work.

I'm coming out of this funk but really, how far can you really crawl out of the hole before the rain comes and you slide back down....

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

a night of unwanted questions

do you ever feel haunted by your thoughts?
like you are your own worst enemy?
does the jealously seem too much?
how do you fight it?
at what point does this "journey" change you to a point of no return?
will i was always feel bitter?
is this happening because i am strong enough to deal with it?
is it because i am not enough?
is it just natural selection?
hope do you cope?
how do you survive feeling so broken?
how do you not become just a big shell?
why does anyone have to go through this?
what is being learned?
what is gained?

is it wrong to call this a curse?

Monday, June 6, 2011

late night.

CD 16 - no idea whats going on with OV

I like my alone time. Love it actually. But when it get late and I'm alone I tend to think more and the sadness creeps in. The fears get a bit bigger and the reality of where we are right now in this journey seems so huge. We haven't made it anywhere. We are still in the same place. I'm still not knocked up. We still have a guest room, not a baby room.

Its late and I can not help but worry that this may be all there is. We might be alone in this. We might just have each other. It scares me to think this might not be enough. Not that I feel I am lacking in the husband area by any means. I fear there is not enough in me to be like this. To have this lonely, empty feeling.

There are so many things I could be doing right now. I could be cleaning my house. I could be painting the new laundry doors. I could be cleaning the carpet.

I could be reading one of the books spilling off the bookshelves. I could but I can't. My mind will not clear enough for me to get away from my feelings and get swept away in another story.

Instead I sit in a dark room listening to my go to sad song and indeed struggling with the lonely.....

Friday, June 3, 2011

A Waiting Kind of Life

CD 12

After a few too many phone calls and figuring out crazy schedules, we finally have another SA lined up. Hopefully i'll get an OV in before then and hopefully the hubby will actually be in town. He has a lot of stuff planned the next two weeks and will be away from home more than usual. Regardless I'm not charting anything this month. I just didn't have the heart to pee on anything.

So now I'm just hanging out and seeing what happens. I'm going to do all I can not to stress over the test and what it might mean for us. I can't be upset about something that we do not know about yet.