Taking it Easy

I've had a bit of calmness lately. There's a good chance my husband will be out of town this month during ovulation time - so I think its a little less stress knowing there isn't anything extra I can do this month. We'll just see how it goes and hope to get lucky :)

Recent holidays

I had a really hard month in March. Mother's Day was in April and I so desperately wanted to be pregnant so that on Mother's Day I would tell my Mom. In my head that was just the perfect way to tell her. I know how much she wants grandchildren and now people are staring to ask her when she is going to have them. I didn't think it was possible, but I feel even more stress now. There is this pressure to achieve my goals because others are invested in it too.

So March can and went without a positive and brought with it the hardest month emotionally. I really had a small breakdown.

I had the same feelings about Father's Day and but again it will not be possible.

Everyone Knowing

Pretty much everyone around me knows we are trying. They know how desperately I want kids (or they at least think they do). But sometimes I wish no one knew because it makes me self conscious. I feel people looking at me and thinking "is she now?"

I'm not a skinny person and most of my overweight-ness is in my stomach area. Since college I've be randomly asked when I'm due. This coupled with the fact of how much I want a baby hurts dramatically. Now that we're trying I feel people looking at my stomach more. So besides being depressed over TTC I'm more self-conscious.

This whole situation is not doing much for me emotionally.

2WW

If you've ever been on a blogging site for Trying to Conceive (TTC) then you probably know what the 2WW is. Its referring to the 2 week wait between ovulation and menstruation. Its a time when you know you've done all you can to facilitate a hopeful positive but there is nothing more to do but wait. Its an awful feeling and for me creates a anxious time for me. I don't really talk about it because to everyone else it just feels silly, but for me its time slowing down.

Almost Positive

Today, 6 days late, I'm almost positive I'm pregnant. However this stupid little strip only has one line. All my friends (who of course already have children of their own) say "Go out of town! That's what we did". Well we're out of town and since I know I've already ovulated this month its not quite possible to get pregnant now, but what if we found out I was while out of town? That would be cool, right?

Guess not this time.

So, first blog entry, how about some background? I'm currently 27 and desperately seeking babies. My husband and I have only been trying for about 4 months, but to me it feels like so much longer. I've wanted to have kids since I was like 8 and my clock's been ticking for at least 7 to 8 years now, but I wanted to be married and have a partner in this. I finally tracked him down four years ago and we dated for two before finally tying the knot. The only string attached was a compromise - I wanted kids right away, he wanted to wait until 30 - so we agreed that we we would be married two years first before trying. That was last February.

Since then I've been logging my stats and chatting with others trying to conceive. Its been an emotional roller-coaster. Do you realize how easy it is for people to have 'mistakes' and 'accidentally' get pregnant? When you really want it its astounding how much is against you. Did you know that there are only three days each month that are ideal for conception? That's three days out of thirty, only 36 days out of the whole year! So if this month isn't is, we have to wait about two more weeks to try and then wait about two weeks after that to know if it worked. I never knew how slow a month could go until now.

I'm already drained from the internal feelings I dealing with but on top of that I'm at the age where everyone else I know is already pregnant, just had a new baby, or already has a house full. I can not go a day at work or on Facebook without seeing someones sonogram or newborn pictures. To tell you the truth, I've considered canceling my Facebook account until we do get pregnant. Please don't get me wrong, I'm happy as a clam for all of my friends lucky enough to have this blessing in their lives but its really hard to smile on the outside when each time you hear 'their' news, your heartbreaks just a little more.

Ok, getting off my soapbox now....

While you might catch me complaining along the way, this blog is not about just that. I want to log this time and hopefully it will distract me from being too overwhelmed by waiting for that positive.