Wednesday, February 15, 2012

My First Blood Test (aka I haven't cried that hard in quite a while)

Today is cycle day 42.
I have sore breast and have on and off for the last week and half.
No signs of AF anywhere.
All at home preggo tests are BFN.
Monday I called my Dr's office and the nurse said to come on in for a blood test.

I will take this time to say how much I love my Dr's Nurse. Her name is Angie and I think I'm going to send her a thank you card sometime this week. Every time I talk to someone there it is her and she is so nice. She talks to me firmly and lets me know she is not holding anything back, but she stays so nice and answers every question I have.

With the symptoms/ negative tests I just felt confused so I called up the Dr's office on Monday and they said to just come on in sometime that afternoon, no appointment needed. I took my lunch hour and went. They took me back quickly however enough time had lapsed that I began to get nervous and shake. The tech talked to me the whole time and it passed by without a hitch. I went back to work and was actually doing well. I knew there was no answer to be had yet and even though I continued to check the TP like a crazy person, all I could do was wait.

The hubby and I did not have much faith that this would really be it, but I did want to know if maybe we succeed but the implantation did not last. The way we figured, was even if the news was negative it was still a good thing if the signs said we were close. Really there was not much more to be done. We were not using OPKs or temping this month, we did not have any fertility drugs or doctor help so the idea of being pregnant this month just seems silly based on our track record. But when you get that one itty bitty little bit of hope in the door it can really mess with you.

Now on to Tuesday. I woke up ok and honestly not that worried. I kept telling myself that if this was going to happen I would have had some kind of sign on the HPT. But you know, I'm a girl (lol obviously) and my crazy emotions and fairy tale thoughts seeped in. How sweet would it be to find out we were knocked up on Valentines Day? Or wow, could we be one of those couples where it just "happens' to while we were "relaxing"?

Well as expected, the called and it was negative. Completely zero. No sign of anything at all. Not even a possible loss. I handled it well and did not cry. I took a lunch, updated the husband and enjoyed some french fries (which I had been avoiding). Then went back to work and moved on.

After getting home it felt like all the worry and thoughts just sat on my shoulder. It is a good thing we do not celebrate Vday at our house because I would have sucked at it this year. But we ignored the elephant in the room and just went on with the evening. Had dinner and watched a movie.

I rarely cry in front of my husband. I just do not like to. He tries to comfort me by making jokes and I end up stopping so he will leave me alone but then I never get it all out. So when I am really having a rough go I will (as he puts it) go and hide somewhere to cry.

While getting ready for bed I sat down with our dogs and snuggled up with them on the floor and petted them awhile. I let a few tears slip out and and felt ok. I got up and finished getting ready for bed, shut all the doors and turned off the rest of the lights in the house. As I get in bed I notice I have a text message....

the hubs had wrote -
I love you even if u are not prego

And then my whole bit resolve crashed down. He opened up his arms and held me while I bawled and sobbed my eyes out. My nose was snotty and his shirt wet and I just kept on crying. He did not joke and was just there for me. It felt good to get that out. It helped breakdown a little barrier of silence we had that day. He did not cry with me but I know the negative got to him too.


  1. Oh hun I totally just shed a tear for you! Your hubby is so sweet. I'm sorry it was a bfn. And I know how it feels to hold onto that shred of hope when you know that you really shouldn't. Take care my girl. Thinking of you always xxx

  2. Oh how I know that feeling. Crying with you. Infertility is so painful. There is ALWAYS that tiny bit of hope that says "maybe this time...." and it always bites me in the butt. I pray soon you will get good news, and that you got out all the emotion you needed to, and glad that it was safe in your husband's arms. Thinking of you. <3

  3. *cries* Oh I dispise that feeling. I always try to convince myself I'm not pregnant. And then as soon as I'm a day late... the hope starts to seep in. So glad your husband was there for you. Keeping you in my prayers. *hugs*

  4. I know that feeling all too well... :(

    Infertility sucks.

  5. hi! first I am so sorry another month has gone by without that BFP. Believe me - I understand the pain. (working on month 24 here...) - and I also understand that tiny glimmer of hope every month that a miracle has happened only to have those hopes dashed. :(
    I pray and hope you - along with every other blog I read out there - those of us who desperately want that baby...that we all get our miracle soon.

  6. Sending massive hugs. I got teary reading your post. I'm glad your hubby was able to comfort you without jokes and you had a shoulder to cry on. I hope that your BFP is not far away. xx