The Ups and Downs

....I've been high and I've been low.....
(sorry that is the singing in my head, its a Train song)

I have been a busy busy bee lately with life and work. However no matter how busy I get or how much I do I can still hear and feel that ticking clock in the background. My husband's birthday is coming up this week and mine is not that far away either. I know we are just waiting now to try out our first IUI and its only a matter of another month or so, but the waiting makes me feel just useless.

This last month I did not track the cycle with the monitor or sticks and just went with it. On some days I could forget about the time in the background. However I do know my body well enough now to have an idea of what is going on even when not tracking. Without the definite dates on the cycle days I did not notice how much I continued to internally hope that maybe, just maybe this cycle would be a miracle. Towards the end of it I even got hopefully enough to test but like normal it was a BFN. And then the next day the spotting showed up. I felt crushed and stupid all at the same time.

For a few days of spotting I got over the disappointment and then when AF kicked in I started worrying. (FYI, TMI) I had huge blog clots which is not normal for my cycles at all. After three days of this my mind really started to wonder if we had been successful this month but then lost it. I wonder how many ladies question this each month. Do you ever feel haunted by the wondering and loss of hope? Maybe it is this just a cycle of the hormones and AF making my mind go a little crazy.

Now that AF has passed and a new month started all I can do now is go back to hoping again and seeing how things go. I've told myself that instead of hoping for a successful cycle I am just going to chart the next two months actively and have it for the doctor when we try for the IUI. This will keep me feeling busy and active and preparing for our next step.