Passing Time

How do you keep a girl from thinking too much about a failed IUI?

Well for tonight I did the following -

I spent three hours making sugar flowers for my upcoming cake class.
Listen to the whole Rent soundtrack.
Listen to two other CDs!
Write a short blog.
Clean kitchen after crazy flower making.

It is now 1:35a and this gal is still up and going. Probably shouldn't have eaten any of that icing while making flowers...

Kidding aside, this week has sucked but I'm surviving. So far my emotions and thoughts have bounced between being numb and wondering what life would actually be like without any children in it. I know this is only one failed IUI, but for me, right now, it feels like one step closer to the end of never happening. One of four possible IUIs that might or might not have a good outcome before the only option is adoption and IVF. Both of which are just not feasible right now in our lives.

Also, I am still taking in the details from our IUI. The hubby's SA was not good at all. There were ZERO forward moving mobility swimmers. It has been over a year since his surgery and we thought it could only improve from there but I guess not.

The world seems to be surrounded by knocked up people and baby talk again. My BF is preggo (sigh, after one whole month trying) and is doing her damnest to make me confortable about it all. She has been wonderful with leaving the door open for me to talk to her about stuff when I'm ok to do it and but yet I am finding myself still being angry and rude to her. And I can't help it! I hear myself being short and rude to her and then walk away wondering why in the hell I'm mad at her. It is so not her fault and I know this. Why do we strike out at those closest to us?

Sigh.... It is so late. I really should be in bed and now I am just rambling.....

I will just end with saying, I'm trying to cope and keep myself in check but the positivity is not around right now. We will wait a month or two before the next try at an IUI. I just do not think I can handle two months in a row of negatives.

Losing Hope

Sigh, I sit here two weeks past IUI, very sore boobs and a BFN. I know it is not fully over but my flashbacks to all the other times I "thought" I had a feeling are coming back.

A little song therapy

Promise of you by Edwin McCain


Promise of you
It sleeps in the air
The air that I breathe
And I know that it's true
Don't have to convince myself to believe
What secrets sleep in the heart of a man
So much love wasted Slip right through my hands
See it in the eyes of the lonely
As they make their weary way
Shimmer in the eyes of longing
I hear it say
Promise of you
It sleeps in the air
The air that I breathe
And I know that it's true
Don't have to convince myself to believe
To believe...

What secrets sleep in the heart of the night
Dreams of salvation
Slipping out of sight
In the shimmering moments of twilight
Closing up the shine
Whisper on the wind of a rescue
Savior in time
Promise of you
It sleeps in the air
The air that I breathe
And I know that it's true
Don't have to convince myself to believe
All this time
I've been fighting my own private war
All this time
You were the peace I was looking for

Post IUI

8 days post IUI

My moods this week have been horrible so I have avoided blogging an update. We did indeed have our IUI and are smack in the middle of out TWW.

I am trying do hard not to over think things and add up symptoms. However my moodiness is either due to the clomid or my hormones. I have also had a very dry mouth and felt parched all day. Normally the mornings are worse.

Some days I have twinges and feelings but I am terrified of being let down so we are trying to expect a negative. Only another week till we know.

"Go Spermies Go!"

Yesterday my ultrasound went well. Well enough that we are scheduled this morning for our very first IUI.

I'm nervous as can be and that is part of why I did not update last night. However I thought I should share a funny.

While getting ready to leave this morning my husband jumps out of the shower, runs over to me and leans in real close.
"Do you hear that?" he says.
Me, "huh? Hear what?"
He leans closer and says-
"it's your eggs cheering!"
Let's go Spermies (clap clap clap) let's go Spermies!!!

Hot Flash....I mean News Flash

Just a quick update today since i am typing on my phone.

I am currently lying in bed with awful hot flashes. Why? Because I took Clomid this month. Why? Because we are finally attempting an IUI!

Tomorrow morning I go for a follicle tracking ultrasound. It will be CD12 and hopefully we can get it moving before the weekend.

Miss you all! I am going to dive back into blogging regularly again soon.