Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Passing Time

How do you keep a girl from thinking too much about a failed IUI?

Well for tonight I did the following -

I spent three hours making sugar flowers for my upcoming cake class.
Listen to the whole Rent soundtrack.
Listen to two other CDs!
Write a short blog.
Clean kitchen after crazy flower making.

It is now 1:35a and this gal is still up and going. Probably shouldn't have eaten any of that icing while making flowers...

Kidding aside, this week has sucked but I'm surviving. So far my emotions and thoughts have bounced between being numb and wondering what life would actually be like without any children in it. I know this is only one failed IUI, but for me, right now, it feels like one step closer to the end of never happening. One of four possible IUIs that might or might not have a good outcome before the only option is adoption and IVF. Both of which are just not feasible right now in our lives.

Also, I am still taking in the details from our IUI. The hubby's SA was not good at all. There were ZERO forward moving mobility swimmers. It has been over a year since his surgery and we thought it could only improve from there but I guess not.

The world seems to be surrounded by knocked up people and baby talk again. My BF is preggo (sigh, after one whole month trying) and is doing her damnest to make me confortable about it all. She has been wonderful with leaving the door open for me to talk to her about stuff when I'm ok to do it and but yet I am finding myself still being angry and rude to her. And I can't help it! I hear myself being short and rude to her and then walk away wondering why in the hell I'm mad at her. It is so not her fault and I know this. Why do we strike out at those closest to us?

Sigh.... It is so late. I really should be in bed and now I am just rambling.....

I will just end with saying, I'm trying to cope and keep myself in check but the positivity is not around right now. We will wait a month or two before the next try at an IUI. I just do not think I can handle two months in a row of negatives.


  1. Oh mate I am so sorry it didn't work this time. What's the average cost of IVF over your way? Obviously your insurance doesn't cover it? Wish I could offer some insightful advice...but I'm at a loss. All I can offer is that I understand how you're feeling because we're facing something similar. Take care, look after yourself and keep blogging it out :) xxx

  2. I just stumbled upon your blog and noticed that we have a similar TTC timeline. Started trying in Feb 2010 and just did our first IUI at the very end of May (BFN). In our case, I'm the one with the issues, my husband's results have been "excellent", not so much! I totally agree that it seems like the whole world is pregnant! I work with moms and babies as a career so I hear about pregnancy and see pregnant women and babies all day. SO HARD! Just wanted to wish you luck on your next IUI when you feel ready for it. Hang in there...
    Michelle (Vancouver, Canada).
    I don't have a blog yet but hopefully will get around to it soon!

  3. I don't really have anything useful to say. Your journey is in a whole other place to where I've ever had to walk and the saying about teaching your grandmother to suck eggs comes to mind... But I don't want to be a silent lurker either. Sending my best in virtual hugs instead. xxx <-- Looks poxy in text but they are better in reality, I promise!

  4. So sorry it didn't work:( I think it's easiest to lash out at those who are closest to us. I think it is because they are there and they will still love us no matter how awful we are. One of my closest friends avoided me as much as possible during her pregnancy and afterwards. I don't know which one hurt more...her being pregnant (also after one month of trying) or her avoiding me. It was a really difficult time. Sending you hugs...grieve this defeat, but remember the war is not over. Keep yourself busy until next time!