A fun new TTW

Ok, fun might not be the right word, but a positive TTW maybe....
Instead of worrying I am going to push through the next two weeks with hope and a few distractions. We have a short vacation next week and all my tv shows are back on!

I was tagged again the other day by Baby Crazy Kiwi. A bit delayed, but here are my answers....

1) What do you look forward most to about being a parent?
Getting to look at the baby's beautiful face. Seeing those eyes and smile and spending hours at a time trying to decide who the baby looks more like.
I also look forward to being proud. Being proud and learning from what our beautiful child will teach us.

2)What is your greatest fear?
Since I was a teenager I have always feared the possibility of not having a child or losing my husband. Its morbid, I know, but its always been there.

3)If there was something which you could 'do-over' in life what would it be?
I wish I had stopped and thought a few times in my life before opening my mouth and saying the wrong thing.

4) When are you happiest?
Curling up with my husband on the couch watching movies and holding hands. I also love Sundays - its our family day so we get to see our parents and spending some quality time with them.

Positive Friday

I had planned a whole different kind of post for today but my morning has been going so well that I have changed my mind.

Today will be Positive Friday! Instead of complaining or worrying - I will focus on the good things. This will help my day stay on the right track and hopefully start off the weekend right. I might just make this my scheduled Friday post.

1. I woke up to a Peak day on my CBEFM!

2. I took Clomid this month for the first time b/c my Doc listened to me and is working with me on this journey.

3. Its CD23 - yeah that's pretty late for me to OV BUT I had to go look at my tracker to see what the day was. This is great because I have been trying very hard not to obsess this month and that's a sign that I'm doing a good job.

4. Stopped and got Starbucks this morning!

5. Going to see a local play this evening with some great ladies I use to work with

6. The delay in getting preggo has opened up a bit more money for us when we I do get there and have maternity leave. Its kind of an odd break down but at 2.5 years at my job they give you 10% more.

7. I won something this morning on a blog giveaway :)

8. My Ipod is packed with some good upbeat songs and I am totally rocking out at my desk - and I don't care who sees me

9. Vacation is next week!

10. I get to spend some extra time with my mom this weekend at a local event.

So there you have it - I think that's plenty of stuff to keep a smile on my face today. If your reading this, please take a moment to think of something to smile about before you move on to another blog.

ICLW

So this is my first go at ICLW :) If your new, thanks so much for visiting.

Overall my story is not an eventful one (so far) and really just focuses on TTC. While I have always wanted children, my over-whelming emotional drive to have one started around 20. But, I was not even close to being married and in a good place for it. So I waited.
Now my hubby and I have been married almost three years now and have been TTC for eight months or so. I feel like its been so much longer because of the years I waited to start the trying. I do not have any doctor diagnosis to label myself as an Infertile but I have always worried that it would be an issue. I started charted at our first month and so far no successes. While my days can be emotional sometimes I'm hopeful and working towards that positive!

I must say I love the blogging community and how much its helped me deal with my good and bad days. It helps the waiting go by a bit faster and its a great day to read good news on a fellow blogger's post.

CD 20

Today is CD 18 and no OV. I'm not sure what this means or how the rest of this month will play out. I have to wonder is this is just a delay on myside or if the Clomid is not strong enough. Hopefully OV will come about soon but it not then at least I know I can call my Doc.

So I started this post a few days ago and have just had no time to finish it. After showing no signs of OV I decided today would be the last day to POAS. And go figure - finally this morning (CD 20 if you had not guessed already) my CBEFM showed a high reading. This is the latest I've ever showed OV signs and all I can do is guess that its due to the Clomid. Hopefully I'll show another high reading tomorrow and this will not have just been a fluke. I really don't want this cycle to be wasted.

In other non-baby-like topics, I had a fantastic weekend! The hubby and I went out to a concert on Friday to see an 80s band. It was cute but we really had a lot more fun once we ventured up to the other section of the venue to see the 90s band. They were great and we really just had a fun time rocking out. Saturday we laid around by the pool all day long and just relaxed. Then on Sunday we visited with family (which we always do) and of course that is always nice.

On a fun note, I was blog - tagged by Summastarlet from How To Make A Baby & Other Ramblings. So now I get to answer a few questions she left for me and do the same for a few of my readers (who btw I just love and appreciate so much!)

Here are my questions to answer -

1. Favorite time of year and why?
Winter, hands down! I do not like being hot at all. I love winter clothes, snow and hot tea/chocolate.

2. Five things you would like to do in your life (but haven't yet).
I guess its cheating if I say my first one is Being a Mom :)
a- skydive. I have wanted to for a very long time and one day I will
b- run a marathon
c- read all of the books on my book shelf - this one is really unattainable since I'm always bringing home new books, but a girl can dream
d- build a house with a library room
e- take in foster animals for a local shelter

3. Favorite band/singer/artist?
Oh my, there are way too many bands/singers that I love to pick a favorite. I also have a very wide selection of genres that I listen to but I'll try to give a few highlights -

My all time favorite band to see in concert is Matchbox Twenty - they just put on a great show.
I am also very much in love with Edwin McCain and will go out of my way to catch a show of his. Just purchased the new Sara Bareilles album and have listened to it over and over again (not a bad song on there).
When I need a chill day I listen to Colbie Caillat or Ray LaMontagne
Really like Florence + the Machine - her videos are a bit odd-ball but the CD is good.
On a fun day, I'm a very big fan of soundtracks (all of the Twilights, Mad Love, Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show, Shrek, and so many many more).
When I need a rock day I like Breaking Benjamins, Cold, 3 Doors Down (just to a name a few)

4. Most embarrassing moment?
Again, way to many to pick the best one. I have a bad habit of sticking my foot in my month sometimes. I am also a bit clumsy so I can fall down pretty easily. A few years ago I purchased a treadmill about 9 months before getting married so I could lose some weight and feel better on my wedding day. Before the stupid thing could be delivered I fell down on my porch and cracked a bone in a my foot. So I was in a boot until the week of my wedding!
I'm sure if you ask my friends they could give you a lot more embarrassing stories.

And now I get to pass along the fun, I am tagging -

Renee at What's the Point of all This
Ms. Kiwi at babycrazykiwi
Married_em at Married_Em........Now What?
Christine at A Whole New Blog
Green Sprout at The (Baby) Elephant in the Bedroom
(yes I know you've been tagged a couple of times but you have been one of my best supporters here so I had to tag you too :O)

I would love it if you would answer my questions -
1. If you could live anywhere else in the world where would it be?
2. Who do you find inspiring (other than your family members)?
3. What was the last book you read? and What was the last one you read that you would suggest other's read?
4. Have you had any major injuries?
5. Do you have a favorite quote or motto?
And a bonus....Because I really liked this question - Do you have a Favorite band/singer/artist?

So whats going on...

So its CD12 no sign of anything. Fertility monitor is still saying low. I have no clue if the Clomid is working, I do know that I am having a small side effect - hot flashes! Its so odd and not very pleasant. I know it could be worse but I am one of those people that HATE to be hot. I hate summer, I'm ready for snow and now I feel like I need an emergency fan in my purse.
But this is me doing something, this is me trying even harder for this!

I've had a few people ask me lately when the kids were coming and I did ok. There were no tears and no swing towards depression. I'm still trying to actively keep my mood up at work and not really talk about things.

Today I had a publisher (I work with authors and publishers for book printing) tell me today - Thanks for all your help nursing this grumpy baby through the birth canal!
(by baby she does mean her book)
then an hour or so later she called to ask me something and signed off of our phone conversation by saying "your a good midwife"

This did not bother me but just seemed so odd.

On to other news- the hubby is being even more supportive! He is trying to keep up the schedule but also reminds me that everything will be ok and, as he said last night, "we WILL have babies" :D

Ugh, while looking at giveaway blogs I came across one called something like -
Opps! We're Preggers Again!

On top of that they were having a giveaway to help them come up with baby names.

This just annoyed way more than it probably should have

A longer wait

Well I survived my first try at Clomid. I took my last dose yesterday and as far as I could tell I did not experience any side effects. I'm not sure if this part might come later on but I guess we'll see.

Its funny, this month I feel off my schedule. I started doing something (taking the pills) for this cycle a lot earlier than I normal start prepping for the month. So I feel like more should be going on, almost like I'm in the 2WW. Also I feel neglected by my Fertility monitor. Last month was the first time I used it so I started tested on day 5 up to day 25. Now I turn it on and it just stares at me, it doesn't need or want me!

I'm looking forward to this cycle and its possibilities. We have a good bit of things going on at home and work so I plan to be distracted and will this month to go by quickly. And when it ends I hope, wish, pray for a BFP :)

Starting Something New

Well this is it. I picked up my RX today of Clomid and tomorrow is CD3.

I have to admit I am nervous. A bit worried about it not working or having bad side effects. But I'm also very excited. We visited the new niece (it was a girl, btw) and I held her for about thirty minutes. I am so ready for this and WILL have positive thoughts. I will have bad days but for now a more positive attitude is the plan.

This is one step in the right direction. This is me doing something proactive. This is a plan.

This could be what it takes!

The Second Bit

I finally had my doctor's appointment on Monday and it went great. I was really worried that she was going to look at me and tell me, well its hasn't been a year yet so you just need to wait - but she didn't! She listened to everything I had to say and offered to start me on Clomid next month. So I am waiting for this cycle to end and turn this prescription in to get filled. I know there might be side effects but really, I'm just excited to be doing something different. I am so ready to get this ball moving.

My current cycle, surprisingly enough seems to be going at a more normal pace then the last few months. I OVd around CD17 and right now its CD28 with signs of AF. I have felt a bit off lately and secretly hoped that it was just our time but if AF does kick in full gear then I have my plan.

The Sister in Law had the baby today. So far I still do not know if its a boy or a girl. They of course called my DH to give him the update (she had to have a C-section) and he never thought to ask for any details. (Sigh) He's such a man! I am proud to say that I have been pretty positive about the whole thing the last few days (and by positive I mean there have not been any tears or really bad words used). I'm actually looking forward to going to the hospital to see them today or tomorrow.

Well, I guess that's about it for now :)

The First Bit

So I have a few things to update on but I’m splitting this up into two blogs. One nicer and one not so nice.

Here’s the not so nice. That way I can end on a good note.

Sunday I went to a very large baby shower and I really believed that at some point I was going to implode. There were 25 women, 4 toddlers, 2 newborns all in a small room. It was my Cousin (in law)'s shower and I love her to death. She has had a rough go of it this time (her second, unplanned child) and I'm glad to see she's feeling better. But, whew! That was one kind of something there. Way too many people and way too loud. I left with such a bad headache mostly from the noise but also from the few times I really had to fight back tears. There is something about baby socks that really pushes me over the edge. Lets just say she got at least 50 pairs!

And then Yesterday sucked. It really did…..
Over all I was having a nice day. I took Monday off and was in a good mood most of the day. Well during a work thing I was kidding around with a friend about something silly and she didn’t find it very funny I guess. Apparently I have been grating on her nerves lately so any joking was not welcome. Well I said something along the lines of I’m not trying to be a Bitch, I was just kidding. Well then she nicely, jokingly hugged me and said in front of at least 4 co workers “Well, actually you have been a Bitch for quite a while now. I love you but you have been”.

Normally this wouldn’t get to me too much and I could just shrug it off. But I wasn’t feeling good and knowing her, I know how much she really meant it. Not to mention that she said this in front of other people, it just really stung and it was all I could do not to start crying right there. I was able to keep it together for a bit then slink back to my desk where I just could not help by cry a bit. After that I was done for the day. I cried on the way home and while at home and to my husband.

(At her defense, she did hint to me last Friday when I was talking to her about my doctor's appointment that I should ask about my mood swings. This I felt was a very nice way to put it and I really did get the point. At the time I really appreciated her way of sneaking that in there.)

So this really got to me and I just can't help but think how much this all sucks. I can't really talk about how I'm feeling to everyone and overall no one really understands anyways. I have to stop and remember not that if someone asks how I'm doing, really they don't want to know. That I just need to give an ok and move on. I also need to remember that I might love my co-workers more then they do me. Its an office full of women and we are bound to get on each others nerves and I shouldn't take it too personally. But sometimes you just can't help it.

I also need to stop talking to everyone over all. I have about three people to update and are there when I really need to talk but for everyone else, I'm not going to say anything anymore. I am going to hush more at work until I can be 'less moody' and have my normal perkiness back.

That's another thing, I am overall a happy, upbeat person. all my life I have to either really happy or depressed. No one can look at me and just expect that I am ok if I'm not bubbly. Why is this? If i was a sullen person all the time and was cheery only so often, would you ask me if something was wrong then?



Ok, I'm over this rant and I'm moving on.....and I really want to say thank you to all of you who have been reading and caring. And to those whom I have talked your ear off, I really do appreciate you even if your sick of me now.