First let me say that this is a hard blog for me to write and honestly might not be for everyone to read. I mean no offense to anyone and while I pose my question I mean no disrespect, just having a hard time getting this out the right way.
I would love to say I have faith. I really want to have faith. I really want to know with my heart that there is a higher being that we are being watched over and taken care of - I honestly do. I have so much respect for people that do.
I have been lost for quite a while.
So I want to ask this - Of you that have faith of some kind, in this IF world, how to do it? Without using scripture or feeling the pull to Save me - how do you stay faithful and strong in your beliefs?
I am not trying to start any kind of arguments, like I said, I really want to have faith but I can never fully reach it. I have watched so many of my friends have very fulfilling faithful lives and all of them are blessed with marriages at early ages (like I wanted) and all have at least one child (obviously like I want) and instead of feeling pulled to that I only feel jealously. I feel like my pull to want to have faith is driven by my desire to have children. Like, if having faith will give me children then I'll happily just in that boat. But I know that is not the answer, I know that a selfish desire of mine is not a way to start or rekindle a relationship with God.
But on days like today, when I need to believe, when I know that I need something more, all I feel is anger, jealously and a painful sadness.
What gives you the strength to pull through the awful days?
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
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I've sat here and tried to figure out what gets me through the bad days. I don't have an answer. I don't have 'faith' persay, its just not my scene. Crying generally helps. Blogging. Focussing on what needs to be done to get to the final goal...although in my case its probably a bit more straight forward than yours (ie get my man tested!). I've pretty much stopped hoping each cycle so am not surprised when it doesn't work. I more focus on getting this darn test done. Anyway my girl. I think of you lots...take care :)
ReplyDeleteI think that is an excellent question. I am one of the people who have lost any faith I had. I would venture to say I honestly believe God dislikes me for some reason. I am learning to move on past the anger and bitterness and it is really hard. I guess for myself I have decided that whatever is going to happen will and I have no control over it. With that being said I do know many people who have strong faith and I completely respect that.
ReplyDeleteI have lots of faith, but I can DEFINITELY tell you that it has wavered over the years of dealing with infertility. I remember blogging a very similar post a year or so ago. I remember questioning God and wondering why He allows these things to happen....why I have to struggle and others get pregnant so easily. I think what helps me get through the day is remembering that there is a greater plan for all of us...a plan that doesn't make ANY sense during the present time, but will make sense some day. I truly believe that through the pain and struggles, I will learn something, I will become stronger, I will be a better parent, I will never miss a step with my future child. I know some people may not agree with all of this, but I truly think that 20 years from now, it will all make sense in one way or another.
ReplyDeleteI guess for me, I have to have faith. I have to keep clinging to it... if for no other reason than for a security blanket of sorts.
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, I've had a REALLY hard time with God/faith lately. I've struggled and pushed and pulled at the idea of "the Big Guy"/God/whatever you want to call Him.
IF has made me question my faith. Infertility has given me a shaky ground. It makes you question everything --- why me? why can't I have this? why am I left out? why?why?why?
But I am trying to trust. And I think that's really all I can do at this point. You know? Just trust.
I have faith, and I believe in God.... but for some reason I get REALLY (can not emphasize the word "really" enough)annoyed when someone tries to tell me what God's "PLAN" is for me. i.e.: God has a different plan for you; it's all in God's time; when God tells you wait it doesn't always mean no....... AHHHHHHH. It drives me insane.
sorry, this was a lot longer than I had intended.
I had a period of bitterness when I was starting to walk away from God, I think faith is learning to hold on even when the waves want to rip you apart. I am able to cling onto my faith because I know that through believing I will get to see our lost little babies in heaven. I do not understand his plan in my life, but I do know that it has brought me to so many wonderful women that I otherwise wouldn't have met. I am able to see that somethings are not as important or to get stressed about because there are worse things in life.
ReplyDeleteIn my times of darkness...I didn't talk to God except to tell him I was SO angry with him. Finally one day I broke down listened to worship music and cried. And cried. And cried. Worship music really helped me get through the bitterness.
The biggest thing I have heard from people about why it isn't fair that we get pregnant is, "Doesn't it make you mad that stupid people get pregnant. People that don't take care of their children. Don't you wish you could choose who gets to have children?" etc etc.
To first, I say stupid people get pregnant so others can do foster care and show them the love of Christ through that outlet. It allows us who may not be able to have kids (or feel called to foster/adopt) to have that choice. So yes, sometimes I get mad (quite frequently sometimes) but I also keep in mind that God loves us all the same. And do I wish I could choose? No. Because if someone else had the choice...I wouldn't be here. I was born out of wedlock, my father has been a jerk to too many people, so if others got to choose...I wouldn't be here. So nope, I do not want the choice.
Will be thinking about you and hoping things get better soon. <3