Friday, April 6, 2012


I checked out for a while, I know this.
I haven't been blogging because nothing has been happening. 
It is my fault that we did not have an IUI before last year ended.
I was the one who made excuses. 
It is my fault that I just called the doctor about it a few weeks ago.
It is my fault our next chance to even try this baby making thing is not till next month.

I was and still am terrified.

My dreams of a young, happy little family was crushed years ago. My dreams to hold a baby in my arms with my husband by my side has been crushed so many times. So many tears have been shed over this journey. I have questioned myself, my decisions, I have even questioned myself for being responsible when I was younger (really?!? yeah, I have actually wished before that I had been stupid when I was younger and got knocked up then).

I have always been a glass half full kind of girl. I always try to find the positive in things. But taking this next step for us has been so hard for me to face. I am scared out of my mind to try and fail. Trying to BD every month on time, checking temps and peeing on sticks is one thing... Things can still be left up to fate or chemistry, but trying an IUI is so much more. We are literally sticking the stuff where it goes and saying "well, if your going to do this thing, go ahead and make it work." If it doesn't work, if we fail, if my body says no, if the sperm craps out then we are facing the fact that it may never happen. If it does not work, well then it doesn't. There are only so many steps beyond IUI that are feasible.

I know a good bit of my fear comes from the fact that I know that we can not afford IVF. I know this. It may never be an option for us. Adoption may not be an option. Taking this step to IUI is a great thing if you look at it from a full glass perspective - we would taking the bull by the horns and making it happen. But in my state of mind lately, in that mostly empty cup, I know that failure means doors being shutting.

How do I keep fear from winning?


  1. Eek it is a scarey scarey thing. Its been a bit the same with us and getting the man testing done. I keep letting it be put off because I think I'm afraid of the outcome and the next steps. Its not easy to stop fear from winning. And I hate that this has/is causing so much damage to the way we are. Thinking of you my girl xxx

  2. Here's the thing: if you aren't getting pregnant on your own, IUI is the next step. If you want a baby, you need to move forward and keep on trying. Trust me, I KNOW how hard this is. My husband and I are on year 4 of trying for a baby. We have done 5 IUI's, one of which worked but I miscarried at 8 wks. Fear is a beast. Fear will take over if you let it. The only way I know to combat fear is to face it, head on. And the only way to do that is to keep on moving forward, keep on having faith, keep being hopeful despite the odds. I struggle with it every month. But something in me keeps me pushing onward towards our dreams. If you want to be a mom (and I know you do) you will find a way or make one. I know it's scary. If our next IUI doesn't work, the doctor's are recommending IVF. Those are the three most scary letters in the IF community and we may be facing them. But we will, because we have to. And you do what you must do to make you dreams reality. You're strong. You may not feel like it sometimes, but you are. Dig deep. Keep your chin up!

  3. I understand where you are coming from. Three years ago I took my last birth control pill. Over the past three years, we have not "tried" every cycle, but we also did nothing to prevent pregnancy. It is time for us to look into medical assistance as well and it is a freaky thing.

  4. Just keep believing there is a "plan" in store for you. You may not understand it -but dont give up hope. I always struggled with this, as well. I definitely have been where you are right now and I feel for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

  5. I dont know if this is helpful information or not. We had more luck on our iui's then through ivf. I had two chemical pregnancies going through iuis and nada on ivf. Just try to take one step at a time.

  6. Thank you for sharing. Your strength and openness is inspirational. You will make it through. There is a pot of gold for you at the end of your rainbow - it just needs to rain and storm before you find it.

    I am rooting for you as we walk through this journey together. I have added you to my blog list and I look forward to following your story.

    You can find me at