Moving Forward

I have had a few sad/pitafull posts lately but I can say the hubby and I are officatlly moving forward. I have a prescription in hand for Clomid and will start taking sometime next week. We have all the costs now ( almost double what I was orignally told) and we are making plans. 

This next cycle we will try an IUI.

I am on CD 26 right now.

This morning I got to look at someone else's ultra sound

This afternoon I get told how much we have to spend for a chance at conception.

And just now I stopped in a big, huge, cold puddle.

FML.

Fear

I checked out for a while, I know this.
I haven't been blogging because nothing has been happening. 
It is my fault that we did not have an IUI before last year ended.
I was the one who made excuses. 
It is my fault that I just called the doctor about it a few weeks ago.
It is my fault our next chance to even try this baby making thing is not till next month.

I was and still am terrified.

My dreams of a young, happy little family was crushed years ago. My dreams to hold a baby in my arms with my husband by my side has been crushed so many times. So many tears have been shed over this journey. I have questioned myself, my decisions, I have even questioned myself for being responsible when I was younger (really?!? yeah, I have actually wished before that I had been stupid when I was younger and got knocked up then).

I have always been a glass half full kind of girl. I always try to find the positive in things. But taking this next step for us has been so hard for me to face. I am scared out of my mind to try and fail. Trying to BD every month on time, checking temps and peeing on sticks is one thing... Things can still be left up to fate or chemistry, but trying an IUI is so much more. We are literally sticking the stuff where it goes and saying "well, if your going to do this thing, go ahead and make it work." If it doesn't work, if we fail, if my body says no, if the sperm craps out then we are facing the fact that it may never happen. If it does not work, well then it doesn't. There are only so many steps beyond IUI that are feasible.

I know a good bit of my fear comes from the fact that I know that we can not afford IVF. I know this. It may never be an option for us. Adoption may not be an option. Taking this step to IUI is a great thing if you look at it from a full glass perspective - we would taking the bull by the horns and making it happen. But in my state of mind lately, in that mostly empty cup, I know that failure means doors being shutting.

How do I keep fear from winning?

Pain

There is this ball of something cold, heavy and about the size of a softball that is sitting right below my ribcage.

It has been there almost a full week now. It grumbles like I'm hungry but I'm not. At first I thought it was heartburn. It was like I knew something was coming. I don't know if I would call it dread, but it is like I knew that sometime soon I would have pain, I would cry and feel upset. Its like my body said, "here, you can have this spot right here for all that emotion". I literally feel like I could throw up at anytime.

I think it is safe to say I might be back to blogging a bit more. If my emotions are on edge like this too much more, I will be fighting depression again.

Faith

First let me say that this is a hard blog for me to write and honestly might not be for everyone to read. I mean no offense to anyone and while I pose my question I mean no disrespect, just having a hard time getting this out the right way.


I would love to say I have faith. I really want to have faith. I really want to know with my heart that there is a higher being that we are being watched over and taken care of - I honestly do. I have so much respect for people that do.

I have been lost for quite a while.

So I want to ask this - Of you that have faith of some kind, in this IF world, how to do it? Without using scripture or feeling the pull to Save me - how do you stay faithful and strong in your beliefs? 

I am not trying to start any kind of arguments, like I said, I really want to have faith but I can never fully reach it. I have watched so many of my friends have very fulfilling faithful lives and all of them are blessed with marriages at early ages (like I wanted) and all have at least one child (obviously like I want) and instead of feeling pulled to that I only feel jealously. I feel like my pull to want to have faith is driven by my desire to have children. Like, if having faith will give me children then I'll happily just in that boat. But I know that is not the answer, I know that a selfish desire of mine is not a way to start or rekindle a relationship with God.

But on days like today, when I need to believe, when I know that I need something more, all I feel is anger, jealously and a painful sadness.

What gives you the strength to pull through the awful days?

"Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success."

- Oscar Wilde