Sunday, June 27, 2010

Screaming and Shouting


Today is CD 38 and the first signs of AF are showing up, the awful witch will be here by tomorrow morning. I'm just so mad!

I said before this month started, "its going to be a wash, he'll be out of town." Well we BD the day before and I relaxed, tried not to worry but when your cycle is nearly 40 days long how can you not? There were no symptoms leaning either way but yesterday and today I was really getting my hopes up. I tried so hard not to be hopeful - I knew, I really KNEW this wasn't it but when your body isn't providing any clues its just so damn hard not to hope.

I'm a very positive person and this is really wearing me down. I feel like every aspect of me is suffering because I'm in a moody cloud. I feel like I'm on pins and needles just waiting to hear who the next person is to be pregnant.

Last week we had one baby visit the office and I ran away to the bathroom so I didn't have to be in the oh and ah crowd. We also had another lady who brought in her 2 year old grand daughter, and again I ran away. My SIL is due soon and we had to go over to their house for our nephew's Birthday - I didn't even want to look at her! I couldn't help it. I felt so awful but I really just wanted to go home. Honestly I don't think I spoke more than a few words to her the whole time we were there. And then after leaving I agonized over what they must think of me and how rude I must have seemed.

I feel so broken and hopeless. Tears are just not enough.


  1. *hugs* Oh, sweetie we've all been there!! I recently went to a 3 year olds birthday party and someone was there with their newborn. Anytime I glanced in their direction, I could feel tears starting to form. My point is you are not alone! Hang in there, and try to stay positive! *hugs*

  2. Hope... it is one of those nasty little things that isn't easy to kill. You BD the night before ovulation... that's perfect. You really were in with every chance so your hopes were definately justified. But even when the cycle is a real bust, there is still that little part that wants to believe.... because of course SOMEONE has done it that way before.

    It is a damned hard road and every month that goes by seems to suck you a little further in and steal a little bit more of your life. It really does change who we are... But everything you are feeling is normal. Can't make it better for you but tell you that you aren't alone. Keep your head up and keep trying. Generally speaking, persistence usually results in reward. xxxx