Just Plain Awful

So I wasn't saying anything yet because I didn't want to get my hopes up. But my AF signs on Wednesday were slightly odd and then just stopped. So for the last two days I thought, maybe that was spotting, like implantation spotting. But alas, this morning I wake up to find that my body disagrees.

I'm distraught. I feel broken. I feel useless.

Why is it that I want this so damn bad and I can't just have it? Why won't my body and soul help me create this one thing I desire above anything and everything else? Why am I not able to ask for a small miracle?

Someone asked me the other day how I was doing and I was honest with how rough and raw its making me feel. And they were like - "well, its ONLY been like six months". Are you kidding me? ONLY SIX MONTHS?!? What do you say to that? How dare you break it down so easily? I know others have been trying much, much longer than me but right now in MY moment, this is hell.
Its been over 25 weeks of actually counting and wishing and trying.
That 175 days.
4200 hours.
But don't let this fool you. I've been thinking about this, about being married and having babies for years. I just choose to be responsible and wait until I was married and stable. This doesn't mean that it was slowly killing me inside that we or I didn't have a baby yet. No, I just sat back and watched all my friends get married and have their babies. I have cried more tears for this one this I don't have yet then I have cried for anything else. This is my purpose, the one thing I want to do in like more than anything else. And you think its only been six months?

I read an article a few months ago about the new Laura Bush book that came out and they asked her about her infertility problems and she said something along the lines of - we don't have a word in the English language to describe grieving something you don't have or that hasn't happened. This really stuck with me. What ever that word is or would be, I'm living it right now.

Ugh

I got up this morning, peeded on a stick and looked down to see two blue lines!
Then I woke up.

Seriously, not cool at all. I know its on my mind ALL the time but thats rough waking up to it. I really took me a minute or so to realize it was just a dream and was not true. That was a big moment of heart fluttering and then crashing.

Fridays are not supposed to start that way.

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aparently this is what happens when i try to use my phone to make a post.

Life Sucks and All That Jazz

Work is going slow this week. Everything is going slow.

Went to the grocery store this afternoon and it sucked. Trying to park was a pain. Walking in was a pain. It took me a while to get to my spot because of everyone crossing in front of my car. But when I walk to the drove everyone about runs me over. Then I pass a lady pulling out of the expecting or small children spot that was not preggers only to be filled by a lady who after coming in the store was not preggers either. This really just annoyed me really. Then before stopping I stop at the restroom, no big deal.....oh wait....oh crap.....here are the signs of AF. Great, just what I wanted. Oh, freaking, joy.

I wonder if AF would be interested in having a drink? Is she's going to visit I might have to indulge.

Waiting....

Well its cycle day 29/30 and so far no signs of AF. My boobies have been tender for at least three or four days now. I’m trying not to get too hopeful but I really, really want it this month. I feel good about things and have being trying to relax.

My Mom’s birthday is next week and would just love to tell her she’ll be a grandma soon. I know it’s not good for me to set these little deadlines and have this kind of thinking but I just can’t help it sometimes.

Since my cycles have been running long I’m not actually late but I’m considering testing in the morning. I’ve been trying to hold out to Friday but this week is going by too slow. I don’t know if I’ll make it.

Just Keep Swimming

I think for now this is my new motto.

When work gets me stressed, just keep swimming until tomorrow - it might be better.
During this 2WW, just keep swimming and enjoy the view until its time to test.
When were ovulating, tell those little guys to keep swimming, there great things that lie ahead if you can just make it there.....

So, today and tomorrow and the next......I'll just keep swimming....

You have got to be kidding me

Do you ever feel like the universe is trying to just bug the crap out of you?

I mean really, is it necessary that I know so many women who are pregnant or just popped out babies right now?
Is there a reason why I’m hardwired to want kids so bad I can’t stop thinking about it 90% of my day?
Why am I terrified that it will never happen?
Why do people just say “relax, it will happen”?
If it’s that easy, why can’t I just relax?
If it’s this hard to get pregnant when you’re trying, how do people have accidents?

….there are so many more questions but I think you get the point I’m trying to make….

And PLEASE tell me WHY I received a box of Similac baby formula in the mail yesterday?

I get home from a day at work that was better than it has been in weeks. In a good mood, looking forward to the evening, stop at the end of my drive, get out and check the mail. Low and behold the postal service has dished out a big helping of WTF.

Normally I Love getting the mail. My husband never gets it because he knows how much I like to. It’s exciting and silly, but I do enjoy it. Lately, however, it has become a process for getting unexpected surprises. I have no idea how I seemingly signed up for baby items, but apparently somewhere down the line they got my name and address. It started out small with a few coupons here and there, and then a Baby magazine started showing up but this? This was too much!

Universe, please get yourself in check. It is so NOT cool to pick on a person that is already emotionally tired.

CD 20 and other people's babies

This week has been very stressful and overall was not great. Stress wise I think I handled it okay, but I was really on the line a few times of freaking out.

I worked long hours this week just trying to get caught up. Its been a lot of work but next week is supposed to be better. I will be training but no longer backing anyone else up. I also tried to talk out some problems I had there and while I felt better talking about it, I don't think the changes I was hoping for will come about. But I tried and all I can do now is wait to see if my concerns will be a real problem or not.

Baby wise, its been a little more stressful. Both my cousin and a lady from work found out they are having girls this week. I didn't get mad which is a good thing but hearing about it did get me a little down. Woke up this morning and another friend is posting like crazy about his wife being in labor and what a wonderful day they are having. A little ping of sadness but I will not let this ruin my mood today.

Oh a better note - I got a positive OPT (I think) yesterday which is about three days sooner than last month. I think the Vitex might be helping. We are also using Preseed and I really have felt positive about the baby making this month. Now we get to sit around and enjoy this 2WW.

Hello July

I know I have been busy but I didn't realize that I had n0t blogged yet this month. So here it is....

Let's start with work - like I said, busy. Busy as a Bee! Things are changing and I've been blessed with the task of picking up some slack. I don't mind really, but its probably going to be a few weeks of busy. We have one girl who is changing positions in the company and I'm covering her work (and mine) until her replacement gets here. If that wasn't enough, I'm scheduled to help start training two new people. This will be my first time training at this office so that should be interesting. I've spent the last two days working until 7pm trying to get caught up. I hope the worst of this is over and I can go at a less frantic pace next week.

oh, I tried a Java Chip frappuccino at Starbucks the other day...one sip and I was addicted.

What else? ....We enjoyed a nice Independence Day weekend. Did a little shooting with the family and had some tasty food. Ended up having a few good conversations with the sister in law. Mostly baby talk, but I'm proud to say I handled it well. It was also the first time in a while that we saw the nieces and nephew and not one of them asked me when we were going to have a baby. It was nice not to have that throw out there again to try and stumble over.

Now that I've mentioned baby stuff.... I'm really just trying to relax this month (because that is what EVERYONE says to do *insert eye roll*). Notice I did not say forget about it. While so many ladies out there might have this luxury, this lady does not. I might be able to forget about it for a little while during the day, but it is always there. Right there to the side. Like that spot at the edge of the peripheral vision. You know, that spot were you see a flash and think you might have seen something, but when you turn to look there's nothing there. Well that little spot of space is full for me - full of what ifs, and maybes and gosh darn I really hope so's.

I'm currently on CD 11 and plan to use OPTs starting tomorrow. Not temping again this month. I'm not sure why but I keep avoiding it. Guess I will try again next month if necessary. Oh, almost forgot - I had a lapse in sanity during AF and called my OB. I talked to the nurse for awhile and she did her best to reassure me that my longer cycles are natural and to try to hold out a little longer. I kept asking questions and finally she asked if I just wanted to make an appointment. Since I know the Doc is going to say pretty much all the same, I said no and that I'm going to hold out for at least one more month. In the mean time I picked up a generic bottle of Vitex and have started taking it. I noticed a day or two of really heavy CM that is not normal for this time of the month, but not sure if it is completely correlated to taking Vitex. I guess we'll see what other changes it might bring along.

On another note, I am experiencing abnormal acne. Its awful, no good and sucks. I know it has to be from coming off the BC, but why is it just now popping up? I've made a dermatologist appointment and hope here are some good options. Too bad they couldn't fit me in until August.

oh and the disk drive is going out on my laptop....not cool. so not cool.

Now, I have to think of something nice to end this blog with. No point in ending it negatively.... Let's see - its Friday night and the weekend is here :) The weekend is not full of activities and I hope to enjoy a bit of peaceful time. Oh and I need to finish my book before bookclub on Tuesday....guess I better get to that.