Saturday, July 31, 2010

Just Plain Awful

So I wasn't saying anything yet because I didn't want to get my hopes up. But my AF signs on Wednesday were slightly odd and then just stopped. So for the last two days I thought, maybe that was spotting, like implantation spotting. But alas, this morning I wake up to find that my body disagrees.

I'm distraught. I feel broken. I feel useless.

Why is it that I want this so damn bad and I can't just have it? Why won't my body and soul help me create this one thing I desire above anything and everything else? Why am I not able to ask for a small miracle?

Someone asked me the other day how I was doing and I was honest with how rough and raw its making me feel. And they were like - "well, its ONLY been like six months". Are you kidding me? ONLY SIX MONTHS?!? What do you say to that? How dare you break it down so easily? I know others have been trying much, much longer than me but right now in MY moment, this is hell.
Its been over 25 weeks of actually counting and wishing and trying.
That 175 days.
4200 hours.
But don't let this fool you. I've been thinking about this, about being married and having babies for years. I just choose to be responsible and wait until I was married and stable. This doesn't mean that it was slowly killing me inside that we or I didn't have a baby yet. No, I just sat back and watched all my friends get married and have their babies. I have cried more tears for this one this I don't have yet then I have cried for anything else. This is my purpose, the one thing I want to do in like more than anything else. And you think its only been six months?

I read an article a few months ago about the new Laura Bush book that came out and they asked her about her infertility problems and she said something along the lines of - we don't have a word in the English language to describe grieving something you don't have or that hasn't happened. This really stuck with me. What ever that word is or would be, I'm living it right now.


  1. I so know how you feel! People who got pregnant without really trying just don't get what it feels like to not get pregnant when you so badly want to. AND then they say 'just relax' which drives me crzy.
    Sorry you are feeling so awful but best of luck for this cycle. Lots of baby dust for you!

  2. Ooooh mate. Just want to give you such a big hug. I can totally identify with what you are saying. The pain... that constant mind consuming state of existence... the whole reason I turned to hypno cause I just couldn't lose my life to that... a year was enough let alone however much more this will take, if it ever does happen.

    Are you still having trouble with ovulating late??? Perhaps time to go to the doc??

  3. Green Sprout - I have hopes for you. I think it will happen we just don't know when.

    I thought this month's cycle was shorter, but AF apparently has not officially started. Yesterday morning was what I thought a medium flow but then it stopped. Now nothing. So if i enter that in a spotting, then I'm on CD 34. They have been running around 39. I'm just plain confused.

  4. I'm hugging you good and tight right now.