Positive Friday

CD 16, High reading

It’s that time again – FRIDAY! Here are my positives for today.

1. Had a lovely vacation and anniversary with the hubby.
2. This week went really fast and was pretty good.
3. I’m at 39 followers – Wow! I think I might have to do a giveaway of some kind if I ever hit 50!
4. With that said....I won a few blog and facebook giveaways over the last two weeks. It has been awhile since I’ve kept up with entering anything so it was nice to get back into it.
5. I will be going to a concert this weekend and have box seats. Can’t wait, it should be a fun show – Brad Paisley and Darius Rucker
6. Going to a charity event too with a few friends called Soup Sunday. A bunch of local restaurants get together and make crazy soups and you get to try them all.
7. We had our reviews today at work and I was very happy with mine. I feel a little bit appreciated today and it feels nice.
8. I am sending out my first little bit to my Chocobuddy today. Hope she likes it.
9. There was a bad storm that blew through our state last night and while there was some wind damage and a few tornado touchdowns confirmed, everyone I know was safe, damage is fixable and so far they have said the only injuries were minor.

And last -

10. All the bloggies I know of and follow that live in New Zealand are doing ok. Some had damages or knew those that did but everyone was safe. So happy to hear it! (I hope I have not missed anyone)

I hope your week was wonderful and I hope your plan for the weekend is even better. If not, then take a moment and think of at least one nice thing. It can help your mood and remember what we are thankful for is always a pick-me up. Start the weekend off right with some positive vibes.

Before you go, why not tell me something positive in your life….

A Few Great Years

Yesterday was the hubby and I's third wedding anniversay.

We met each other back in highschool and when we were 15 we actually dated for a few months. That of course did not last very long but it set the ground work for later on. We both went our own ways and after I graduated college and came back home I ran into him while working. We hit it off again and it did not take long for me know that he was 'the one'. We dated almost two years and were engaged for almost another year. He is just a wonderful man and I feel like such a lucky dog to have him.

We snuck out of town last weekend to celebrate a few days early and had a wonderful time hanging out in Florida. It was a great, lazy type of trip that just reminded us how easy it is just to sit around and love each other.

At one point he turned to me and said as serious as could be - "This year we Are going to make babies."

(CD 15 , CBEFM high reading)

Positive and Sunny Friday

Well if you have stuck with me this week I really appreciate you. Its been a rough go and I have received some wonderfully sweet comments throughout. I know it could be worse and my complaints lately might seem a little superficial to some but just getting these feelings out have really helped.

Now I are moving on past this week and with that I must bring on some positives! One of my main points is be positive, see the glass half full and darn it I shall!

1. We could be worse off. Plain and simple. It has been a year and we have learned, loved and can keep moving forward.

2. The beach. Yep you heard that right - I'm at the beach :)

3. The wine!

4. I am getting to spend some much needed time with my husband. We are celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary.

5. Nap time. I think everyday should come with nap time but since most do not I am loving having the time to do so right now.

6. No work. I am not there and not thinking about it. It's lovely.

7. Sangria. Just another form of wine and even tastier.

8. Upcoming events. I'm going to busy when we get back to things. I have concert to go to at the end of the month with my Mom. At least one local play has opened up that I want to see and a local charity event called Soup Day. Just a day of trying new soups. Very yummy event.

9. The fog. Last night a major fog fell on the area and it was just amazing to see how everything looked. We stood out on the beach and unless you were right at the water you could not even see it. I am glad we did not have to drive in it much but it was really cool to see.

10. Movies. My hubby and I am just love watching movies. When on vacation we normally sit down to watch one each night and sometimes we'll go out to the theater too. I love the snuggle time and quite us time.

11. (bonus!) My sweet man got me a beautiful necklace and earring set for our anniversary. We normally do not exchange gifts for our anniversary since we sneak out of town for it. But this time he surprised me. Absolutely the sweetest.

That is all I have for now. I hope you are all having a lovely day and a great weekend ahead of you. Please make sure you think of something positive before moving on. Feel free to share something great right here before you go too!

Does she know?

We spent some time this last week with the in-laws and that included the brother in law and their four kids. The newest one is about 6 months old and we have only seen her a few times. The last two times I have seen her I have tried holding her and she just screams bloody murder. Thankfully I know that it is not just me that she is screaming at. She is a momma’s girl and is fine with her and she also really likes guys. Both my FIL and husband can hold without issue but my MIL and I just get shunned.

But while I’m trying to hold her I honestly can not help but wonder, does she know?

Does she know that the first time I heard about her I was brought my knees with sobs?
Can she tell that I dread seeing them as a family because I am reminded that they have you and more?
Does she know that I resent that they could and did?
Can she tell that I am jealous, sometimes with rage at our situation?
Does she know that when I look at her I can not help but wonder if our children will look anything like her?
Can she tell that I would rather hold her and have her cry at me than to not have the chance?

Maybe she does….maybe she is just crying for me because I can not.

What I really want to say…..

We have been trying a whole year now and today I am feeling very angry and mean. To try and get this out of my system I’m going to say some of the things I could not really say when talking about TTC to others….

“Just Relax”
Oh really? You know I haven’t heard that one yet. I’ll just sit back and relax, sure that will get the job done. I mean seriously people! How the hell does me tracking my cycle cause me to have less success? When you try to do other things in life it is normally a good idea to think ahead and plan. And to maybe have all the facts. Well what the hell is wrong with me wanting to have the facts about when I ovulate?

“The BC might still be in your system”
Ok granted for the first month I’ll accept this as a maybe. But after that? Really? How can it take that long to get out of my system when some teenager can miss one pill and get knocked up? Is the stuff really that good? I think not.

“So and so did this and got pregnant”
Have you ever seen that movie He’s Just Not That In To You? Through out the movie they have mock interviews with people talking about relationships and how they once knew this person who did this one thing and then got married. Or they knew the sister of an old friend that stood on her head and found the man of her dreams. I think there should be a similar movie like this about TTC. The moment you say your having trouble everyone knows someone who had problems and then relaxed or quit trying or adopted and then *bam* knocked up! Just like in the movies it’s not the same for everyone else, so shut your pie hole, your not helping!

“You’re just stressing out, it will happen when it happens”
This one is my big kicker. The little devil in me got real fired up once we got the test results back on the hubby’s SA. I wanted to run around to all of those people and say - See! I am not crazy! I KNEW something was wrong and you told me to chill out! You might think I’m too worked up about this but while I am worried and I had my bad feelings we were at a literally slim to none chances. And no, that is not an exaggeration - 1 to 3% chance out of 100 is pretty damn bad. Yes, it could be worse but right now it sucks something awful.

And after we found out our issues - “Oh that’s not bad, I knew someone that had the exact same thing and they now have two kids now….”
(Ok, I know to you this might seem positive but it was one of the worst things I’ve heard thus far. I think part of it was the timing but a lot of it was the tone in which it was said.) Yes, you might know some one else that had a veroicle repair and then went on to have kids, this does not however make the situation less bad for us. Our odds suck already and you tell me that it is Not Bad is just stupid. Yes it is bad, it is bad to us. 15% males have this issue, of those 15% have it actually affect fertility. 75% of those 15% that have the surgery will see results. Um that’s a lot of numbers that add up to = IF sucks and it is bad so STFU!


And I’ll sum this up here…
I have lived each and every day of this last year and each day I wanted baby. Each day I thought it. Not one day went by when it was not the one thing that I longed for, worried or cried about. I am tired of being told to relax and not worry about things. I am tired of having to work on things and having hope be the only thing out there is to hold on to.


(Btw, if I know you in real life and if you said something similar to me in the last year please know that I did not say anything snotty back to you because I care about you and appreciate that you even ask. This is an overall vent and is not directed at anyone)

Seeking Comfort

Broken whisper I can hear you crying tonight

Empty words and arms can’t make it alright

You’ve run out of questions without answers to hold

For the cold caress of helplessness inside you

But let me comfort you

Erick Baker “Comfort You”

Today is another less than happy day. I am having a rough go emotion-wise and (thankfully) tomorrow the hubby and I are heading out of this place for a few days to get away. I am looking forward to clearing my head and getting back on track. If this getaway does help me get through the tears I think it will be time to call up the Doc for some extra help.

*****************************

Update

You know that day that sucks? Well it got worse.

didn't get the job (that's ok, I figured that part) but now they are not going to fill her spot so there are not any more chances for advancement anytime soon. oh joy

then this afternoon i had to go to a meeting for a fundraising committee i'm on at work. the campaign leader is about 5 month pregnant. so lucky dog me, i get to be around that for the next 3 months. lovely

These Things

I will admit I am having trouble. My emotions are taking over and I feel like a walking time bomb. My main stressors are –

1. Late AF, it finally showed up after a 35 cycle (really? Really? I so did not need that).
2. Impatiently waiting for feedback on the promotion in our office. Like I’ve said I don’t think I got it but I still want to freaking know already.
3. Snow and ice.
4. It is February and it has been a year now. We are at a TTC one year Anniversary.

#1....
I was really heartbroken this cycle. I had symptoms and for me that felt like real ones. Normally I do not track them but this time they just stood out and I could not help it. I did not track OV because I was just trying to take it easy just one more month. In the end I was kicking myself and I think it just made it worse. (CBEFM - you and I we are going to have a heart to heart). The cramps have been bad this month and I've just had a never-ending headache.

#2....
Due to weather and people being out they still have not told us anything about the new position. I am about to freaking lose it. I am tired of waiting and wondering and could really do without the stress in this area.

(BTW I started writing this blog last week and just had to walk away to keep from getting upset so this next part is outdated now - thankfully we have sunshine now)

#3....
Ugh, the snow and the ice. First I'll say this, we have not had it near as bad as others and for that I am really grateful. However Thursday was a whole new story in the weather related arena. I live in an area where people do not know how to drive in the snow. It is a know fact and one that is often laughed about. We also tend to have weather people here that either understate things or overdo it so a lot of times we think they are just crying wolf. Thursday was a little bit of both - we are so tired of hearing about snow we just rolled our eyes at it and then the weather people did not stress the temperature drop we would have when it rolled in. Needless to say a nasty patch hit around afternoon rush hour and most everyone fell apart.
My husband and I carpooled to work so I had the car and needed to make my way to him so we could head home that afternoon. Just about the time I left a bridge was shut down for salting and the other route I could have taken started shutting down because people were skidding off the road and creating major back-ups. To shorten up this story a bit it took two hours to finally get to him and two more to get home. It was a horrible afternoon made worse by the stress I already had from a missing AF and no word on the job stuff.

and sadly point #4.....
I am having a rough time wrapping my head around the fact that we have officially been TTC for a year now. This is draining me emotionally and I just feel like my heart is heavy right now.