Thursday, February 17, 2011

Does she know?

We spent some time this last week with the in-laws and that included the brother in law and their four kids. The newest one is about 6 months old and we have only seen her a few times. The last two times I have seen her I have tried holding her and she just screams bloody murder. Thankfully I know that it is not just me that she is screaming at. She is a momma’s girl and is fine with her and she also really likes guys. Both my FIL and husband can hold without issue but my MIL and I just get shunned.

But while I’m trying to hold her I honestly can not help but wonder, does she know?

Does she know that the first time I heard about her I was brought my knees with sobs?
Can she tell that I dread seeing them as a family because I am reminded that they have you and more?
Does she know that I resent that they could and did?
Can she tell that I am jealous, sometimes with rage at our situation?
Does she know that when I look at her I can not help but wonder if our children will look anything like her?
Can she tell that I would rather hold her and have her cry at me than to not have the chance?

Maybe she does….maybe she is just crying for me because I can not.

1 comment:

  1. I don't think it is any of that! I think it is something else:) My niece (my brother's second child) was born on my due date (we lost our son several months prior) and it was all I could do to bring myself to go to the hospital, and when asked to hold her I broke down. I had the hardest time with her birth, it had nothing to do with her it was all my issues but it didn't make it any easier. I know your feelings, now I can say 5 almost 6 years later my niece and i have a good relationship:) I will be thinking about you!