The words that I need, to describe these feelings, just don't exist. There is not enough water in my body to create the amount of tears I need. The tears I do have are not hot enough. I can not make myself happy enough to appease others. I can't hide this pain on the inside but I can not show it to the world. I'm not obsessed, I'm confused, I'm lost. I'm not full of hate or jealously, I'm empty really. These emotions on my sleeve are not the real ones. The smile on my face is fake. I can not really express to you how I am because you will worry about me or question my reasons. I don't want to explain anymore why I feel this way. I don't want to answer to you. I do not want to do normal things and be a normal person. I want to go to sleep. I want to wallow in my self pity. I want to be able to forget my desires for awhile. I don't want to think about what I don't have. I don't want to look at you and judge you for what you have when I don't have it. I don't want any opinions at all. I don't want to care. I want things to change. I want my turn. I want to be who and what I'm capable of. I want so much more. I want one small thing. I want a little bean. I want a blessing. I don't want to feel wanting.
i don't know why i'm sharing this...
Saturday, August 7, 2010
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Far out! I totally get how you're feeling but have never been able to put it into words like that. Sounds like you're at the same point I was (maybe still am) at a couple months back. Not sure what I can say to help but wanted you to know I understand. Wishing you lots of luck!
ReplyDeleteSending you some massive *hugs*.
ReplyDeleteKnow how you feel. Been down that road many, many times on my journey.
Know that you are not alone.
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