Tuesday, August 10, 2010

A Very Unhappy Cookie

I've slightly joked for a while now, that I'm a nice little sugar cookie in a world full of choc late chip. Today my cookie not only feels different but also a little crumbly on the edges.

Boy, I'm sure in a mood today! I think I woke up mad. The ride in to work did not help either. Normally I like to chill out and listen to an audio book or maybe music. But this morning my music was mean and my driving aggressive. Well I felt aggressive anyways, I was stuck behind people the whole way in driving below the speed limit. Just plain annoying is all that is.

I had a dream my best friend told me she was preggo. I just said ok and she couldn't believe I didn't freak out. This really got me thinking. They plan to have another child in the next year or so but what if we’re not there yet? I don’t want her to feel guilty to tell me about trying again or being worried about my reaction. I want to be there for her regardless but how can I be truly honest with her and myself if I’m not there yet? It different when its co-workers or just people you know, it’s not the same when they are facebook and you can just hide them. (And yes, if you’re my friend on facebook and your preggo, I have probably hidden you. It’s not because I don’t care about it you, it’s because I care more about me right now). I guess it worries me to know that I might not be the best I can be when she might need it.

That’s not the only reason I’m in a mood. I think work has gotten me down a bit too. Without being too detailed here, I’m just a bit worn out on caring about things and not getting the same response. I love my job, I really do but I’m worried about how the people around me are/will affect my day. Most work places are this way but lately it’s just been a bit more presence each day.

I really think I’m falling into a depression. It’s been a long time since I've felt hopeless, but I fear this is where I’m heading. If my moods and these feelings are still this strong next week I think I’ll be searching for a doc.


  1. That's all really hard to take. That's part of why I started my blog, to vent and release steam. I wish there was more I could do for you. My heart goes out.

  2. Oh Lindsay, I think the first and most important thing I can tell you is that you need to look after you first. This is a difficult journey sometimes and really, you don't want it to cost you who you are so don't feel bad doing what you need to do.

    It is always hard when those around you fall pregnant... especially those who do it with such great ease. It can be a conflicting feeling because there is the desire to be happy for this wonderful person in your life but yet it is as if the universe has slapped you in the face yet again. Each take their own approach when faced with the situation. Some fake until they make it. Some do their best to be honest and explain why it is so hard. Others thive on the logical side. In the end I adopted the last approach. They was I saw it was that although someone else has got something that I really want, it doesn't affect me. It won't lessen my fertility or odds of getting pregnant. I'm not losing a race. Their success is not a personal punishment for me. My life is different. My story is different and when the time comes I am going to enjoy ever damned bit of the pregnancy in a way that perhaps some people will never be able to.

    Whatever way you go about things, try not to burn any bridges either because when your time does come, you will want to share it too! ;-)

    In regards to depression... yep... been there too. Actually restarted on antidepressant temporarily and I know a few other folks who have as well. You can get a doc to put you on something that is relatively safe and then aim to wean off my the end of your first trimester. There is no shame in it. Remember, you come first. You will be the one carrying the baby!


  3. Renee - this post was partly for you too, I know its not as close time wise for you but regardless, its important for me to be a good friend when its your time.

    GS - thank you so much for all of your supportive words, now and many before. Its nice to know that an antidepressant might be an option if it comes to it and that some Docs will help.