Shopping turned bad

I had a movie moment yesterday. That’s the best description I can come up with for it. That overly quiet, stretched out time frame used in movies to be dramatic. If you have seen the Hurt Locker you might understand what I’m trying to describe. There is this scene where the guy is standing in the grocery store aisle just staring at all the cereal boxes. He is overwhelmed with the day to day things and does not know how to handle this task based on what he has been use to.

My point is this….yesterday I had to suck it up and go shopping for baby shower items. I missed my SIL’s shower and she is being induced next week so I had to get them something. And my cousin is having her shower on Sunday. So I had some extra time and said, “Ok, you CAN do this! And when your done you’ll get Starbucks.” This was my treat, focus on this and get through. Honestly I did pretty good while printing off the registries and picking out the items. I just focused on the list and finding the part numbers. Get in and get out, this was the plan. Then I have to pick out gift bags. This was tough. All these cute little bags, but once I was able to focus I was ok. On to the cards…

Then I had my movie moment. I’m standing there in the card aisle and just overwhelmed. There are just so many cards.
New parents cards, Baby Shower cards, Baby’s Here! Cards, Single Mother cards (wow this has to be a new trend), Little fingers and toes, Congrats!, You’re Blessed, It’s a Boy!, It’s a Girl!, It’s Twins!, Little Bundle of Joy, Bringing Home the Baby, Newborn Cards, Singing Cards, cards with animals, blue cards, pink with polka dots, Being Pregnant cards……………..
I end up just standing there and staring. I have no idea what to do. My eyes are brimming with tears and I’m worried that if I do so much as move I’m going to lose it right there in the store. Finally I realize this lady is waiting for my to move my cart and I’m able to get myself together and just walk away. Needless to say they will not be getting a card from us.

It ruined my evening. I got home and my husband assumed I had a bad day and kept trying to get me to talk about it. I know he does his best to understand but he just doesn’t get this part. The overwhelming feelings and emotions part. He wants us to be pregnant, mostly because I want it so bad, but he doesn’t have the emotional attachment that I have to it. It’s hard to explain and I felt like such an idiot trying to tell him that I almost cried in the card aisle. Thankful I didn’t breakdown but just kind of checked out for the evening. I had no idea what to make for dinner. I finally made him decide - soup and grilled cheese. Ok good, that’s easy. Well apparently easy was too hard for me because I burnt the crap out of his sandwich and about start crying. But the wonderful husband that he is just said it was fine and ate it. Then I just went to bed.

Today I feel better but I’m starting to dread the next few weeks. Great time to have a 2WW huh?

3 DPO

Ok, so I think its safe to say I'm 3 DPO. I like this but I do not like the wait. (but really, who does?) My monitor days I'm on CD 20, I had 4 days of High fertility and 2 days of Peak. There was one extra day of High after that and now I'm steady at Low for the last two days. While its nice to feel I've had a black and white answer I am still worried. I wonder if it will keep asking me to test for a few more days? I hope so. I really want to know if I get any surges around CD 23/24 like I have been seeing previously.

I am very anxious to go to the Doc next week. I am worried she will not help. I am worried she'll tell me everything is just fine and dandy and to wait. But I’m terrified to hear something might be wrong.

However despite my worries, I feel good this month. We enjoyed our ‘time’ this weekend and we ‘relaxed’. So if you have a little hope and wishing to share this month please don’t forget about us :)

Its a Peak!

I was very happy to use my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and see my very first Peak day

Its a good start to the Friday. I am glad to see it but it does make me a little concerned based on how my schedules have been last month. CD16 does not match anything that I've seen so far but the directions did say that the monitor does take a month to get use to your schedule. So for today, I'm going to trust that its right and enjoy a weekend of BDing :)

A Shared Seed

A friend from work tried to share something with me a few weeks ago and I finally had a chance to listen to it. It's a sermon from a local church and when listening to it, she thought of me and my TTC time. After hearing it, I really appreciated her sharing this with me. I did not have a large enlightenment but I felt touched and a bit understood.

I'll try not to get too detailed here, I will say that I do no go to church regularly and I will admit that while I have faith, it use to be a lot stronger than it is right now. I have wondered before if my lack of faith and church going has led me to this place. This place where I'm the last person in my group of friends to get married and now the last to try and have children. This might very well be the case, but I do not feel my wants and jealously of these things should be my driving force for getting closer to God right now. I already tried going to a few churches while in college but quickly realized I wasn't looking for God, I was looking for the saving grace that put me on the "good side" of being lucky. (All my highschool friends that were actively religious were already married or engaged and I wanted to be in that group.) I think for now I'm waiting to find that right place to go and the right time for me to grow spiritually.

Anyways back to the real point of this post, I did feel touched by this sermon and its relevance to my feelings and hopes right now. Since she shared it with me, I wanted to share with my other TTC buddies.
You have to download it in Itunes to listen to it (part of the reason it took me so long to get around to it) but if your interested, here is a link to their podcasts -

The Mustard Seed

A Very Unhappy Cookie

I've slightly joked for a while now, that I'm a nice little sugar cookie in a world full of choc late chip. Today my cookie not only feels different but also a little crumbly on the edges.

Boy, I'm sure in a mood today! I think I woke up mad. The ride in to work did not help either. Normally I like to chill out and listen to an audio book or maybe music. But this morning my music was mean and my driving aggressive. Well I felt aggressive anyways, I was stuck behind people the whole way in driving below the speed limit. Just plain annoying is all that is.

I had a dream my best friend told me she was preggo. I just said ok and she couldn't believe I didn't freak out. This really got me thinking. They plan to have another child in the next year or so but what if we’re not there yet? I don’t want her to feel guilty to tell me about trying again or being worried about my reaction. I want to be there for her regardless but how can I be truly honest with her and myself if I’m not there yet? It different when its co-workers or just people you know, it’s not the same when they are facebook and you can just hide them. (And yes, if you’re my friend on facebook and your preggo, I have probably hidden you. It’s not because I don’t care about it you, it’s because I care more about me right now). I guess it worries me to know that I might not be the best I can be when she might need it.

That’s not the only reason I’m in a mood. I think work has gotten me down a bit too. Without being too detailed here, I’m just a bit worn out on caring about things and not getting the same response. I love my job, I really do but I’m worried about how the people around me are/will affect my day. Most work places are this way but lately it’s just been a bit more presence each day.

I really think I’m falling into a depression. It’s been a long time since I've felt hopeless, but I fear this is where I’m heading. If my moods and these feelings are still this strong next week I think I’ll be searching for a doc.

New Month

So its a new month. I'm trying really hard to start this one off right. I want to be positive and hopeful. I got a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor and am trying it out for the first time this month. I considered temping as well but I'm not sure if I want that stress right now. Currently I have a Dr's appointment scheduled for the 30th. I want to talk this out and know what my options are and see if maybe she can help easy my worries.

We are now at seven months and I am tired of everyone telling me not to stress. I know I'm not your average girl. I know I want this more than most, but I honestly do not know how its possible to think about anything else. I am not able to go shopping or watch TV, talk to friends or go to work without it being an issue. It's always there. I'm sick of hearing people my age and younger talking about their little First Graders and Kindergartners. I'm am very happy for you and all but dammit, I don't even have a one year old, let alone a child old enough for school. (OK, sorry for that vent. I really just needed to say it and have it out).

Back to the positive thinking.....
I will have a good month and I will enjoy this time. I will go to my sister in law's baby shower and not get depressed. I will have some me time and I will do my best to enjoy this time with my husband. I will not dwell on the have not.

Oh, I almost forgot -
Green Sprout has the best news ever!!!! So very excited for her. If she is a follower of your blog you know that she is very sweet and truly cares about how we are all doing. Big Congrats going out to her!

Words

The words that I need, to describe these feelings, just don't exist. There is not enough water in my body to create the amount of tears I need. The tears I do have are not hot enough. I can not make myself happy enough to appease others. I can't hide this pain on the inside but I can not show it to the world. I'm not obsessed, I'm confused, I'm lost. I'm not full of hate or jealously, I'm empty really. These emotions on my sleeve are not the real ones. The smile on my face is fake. I can not really express to you how I am because you will worry about me or question my reasons. I don't want to explain anymore why I feel this way. I don't want to answer to you. I do not want to do normal things and be a normal person. I want to go to sleep. I want to wallow in my self pity. I want to be able to forget my desires for awhile. I don't want to think about what I don't have. I don't want to look at you and judge you for what you have when I don't have it. I don't want any opinions at all. I don't want to care. I want things to change. I want my turn. I want to be who and what I'm capable of. I want so much more. I want one small thing. I want a little bean. I want a blessing. I don't want to feel wanting.


i don't know why i'm sharing this...

Pain

Today I hurt. Just not sure what part hurts more. I have a headache and cramps but my heart has a dull, throbbing ache.

I really, truly thought there was hope this month. There were little signs. But alas, no luck there. My cycles are officially 39 days. This is way too long and so damn unfair. If I can't be pregnant, why can't I at least only have 29/30 regular days to deal with it each time. Why do I have to deal with 10 extra days that are being stolen away?

I do not want to be at work today. I want to go back to bed.

competition

My non-existant baby now gets to choose between the Similac samples and the brand new Enfamil one delivered today. Seriously, this would be great and all if I was with child but really why waste the resources to send these to me? Is there anywhere I can donate these to? Can you donate this type of thing?