Come Look!

I don't really have much going on right now. Most of my last week or so has been filled with work and Internet shopping :)
But if you take a step back and look around you might notice a few changes. I've been working with a designer and have a new look.

I've lost my blog roll for now but plan to work it back in somehow. But with that loss I will mention that I now have a button! Grab it you would like, I think its rather cute.

So, what do you think?

Whew a bit out of whack

Well I hate to say it but I completely slacked off this week and missed most of ICLW and Positive Friday. My mood has been okay and I guess my real excuse is a busy work week and the holiday. However I have visited everyone that stopped by and commented on my posts. Such lovely ladies with so much to share. I really do love this community. I found a few new blogs to follow and obtained a few new followers myself. I promise to get caught up soon and will be much better next month.

So a few good things to make up for missing Friday -

1. Friday one of my best friends stopped by work because she had the day off and brought me lunch. She brought her husband and daughter along too.
2. While eating lunch my boss stopped by and told us that if we had the time we could leave early - so I did
3. My friend was heading to take her daughter to the movies and they invited me along. So I got to see Tangled with them. First I must say her two year old, beautiful daughter was absolutely wonderful. She sat still through the whole movie and enjoyed it. Second, the movie was adorable and a must see if you like that kind of show. Disney really did well this time and I personally think they finally did something as good as Beauty and the Beast. Its been a while, but this one was lovely.
4. Thanksgiving was of course nice. I love all the family time and its our tradition to watch Christmas Vacation each year.
5. Today my hubby took me to see Harry Potter and as expected it was wonderful. I sure hope I can last until the next one comes out.
6. Bought a couple of Christmas lottery tickets and won $50.00 on two different tickets. Pretty rare for me to buy them and even rarer to win anything :)
7. I found some great Christmas gifts all week long shopping online. No black Friday lines for me. Coming up soon, Cyber Monday :)
8. Tomorrow is Sunday, another day of the weekend left

Looking back

Over the years (more so this last year) I've been hyper sensitive to pregnant women and babies. Its the new tend in TV, movies and celebrity news. There are baby bumps on watch and the new norm is to have a family with kids. I also notice a pregnant woman much faster than I do any other normal observances. I try to keep away from Facebook announcements and often hide friends until they are done with all the news and updates. I shy away from baby talk whenever possible and these days completely tune out discussions when they turn to children.

Most recently I been watching a old movies I love and old TV shows. Anything that makes me smile. Along the way I noticed that the characters I most connect with in TV shows or movies are those that have fertility issues. Some of my favorite books also have the same themes. I've never really paid much attention to it until now. Looking back there have been quite a few....

Monica from Friends
Charlotte from SATC
Blessed are the Cheesemakers (a lovely Irish story)
The movie UP

Of course now that I've finally sat down to write up this blog I have forgotten about half of the ones I've come across lately. So my friends and ICLW visitors, have you come across any lately? Are there any stories that you turn to for a pick me up? Books, movies, or TV - lets here it.

Love is...

...where it started.

Last night while flipping channels I came across the movie The Family Stone. Its a very sweet movie with some cute humor and a nice story. I've seen it before but it still made me cry. Part of what I like about it is that its set around Christmas time. Once it ended I was in the mood for another Christmas theme love story. This easily led to me putting in one of my all time favorite Movies - Love Actually. I enjoy this one so very much. By the end of the movie I'm smiling so hard my face hearts and I'm crying like a baby. I went to bed in a happy mood thinking about things....

I need to remember that Love is what started this journey. If I did not have my husband, if I did not love him more than life, than we would not be here trying to have a baby. That this time of ups and downs would not even be an option. I get to choose this journey with him and together we get to push through it. We get to learn more about each other and what we are capable of.

When you really think about it, it was not that long ago when I was in college or in my first apartment crying my eyes out and praying for my partner in life to come along. I have always been an emotional girl with a big heart. I have always wanted and dreamed of a love story. And here I am dwelling on everything we don't have. I have to remember that this love is what I wanted for so long and I got it. There were times when I was depressed and felt the whole world was against me. When everyone I knew was already married and having families but I was still alone. I never knew when it was going to happen but the main point is - it did happen. I did fall in love, find a true partner in life, find that person that loves me more than anything.

So our journey may be longer or a little bumper but to my dear husband, fertility issues and all -

Late, but Positive

Had a pretty busy day today and almost forgot about Positive Friday. But I think that being positive helps me and my moods so I had to take time before bed to stop and be positive -

1. I'm watching Glee. Always good for some smiles
2. Had a really nice steak dinner tonight with the family. The restaurant is next to the lake and it made for a great laugh leaving. There are a lot of ducks outside that have learned to hang out and beg for leftovers from the diners. Just imagine walking out the door to about 20 ducks of all kinds squawking and closing in on you as you briskly walk to your car. :)
3. Harry Potter is out in the theaters, it will probably be next week before we'll get to see it but I'm still excited.
4. We had an author signing at work last week for a book coming out in a few days. The author was really nice and I read the book in two days - Matched by Ally Condie
5. Downloaded a few new albums this week and have enjoyed having new music to distract me.

My positives are a bit superficial today but you've got to take them as they come!

Bittersweet

Last night I had a dream that I had a baby and was breast feeding her. It was surprisingly sweet and touching. I woke up trying to hold this baby of mine and had a very bittersweet moment - to wake up and know that this is not yet my life but more of a sense of what could be. It was not a “what if” feeling or a “have not”, but instead a sometime soon.

While that feeling was nice, it did not last. My numbness has kicked back in.

I’m finding it hard to blog right now because I feel like I do not have anything to say or think about. I’m having trouble relating to people even the other blogs I follow. Knowing that right now our chances are slim to none, I’m actually feeling jealous of those who have the hope and possibilities this month (by no means am I saying I don’t wish you all the best of luck). The few preggos I do know or see sometimes are like the plague. I’m close to tripping over myself to get away from them. It’s like their bellies are a beacon of light shinning out saying “Look at me! Look what I have! Look how easy it is. I know you wish this was you”. Almost like a bad Care Bear sharing mean and depressing thoughts.

My mood is not necessarily bad, I’m able to enjoy the day I just feel like time is wasting away. As we get closer to my husband's surgery my feeling have been bittersweet as well. I am excited to know that our chances will increase. But at the same time I'm having trouble being positive about it. I am fearful that more problems will arise and this is not the final answer.

I need something to kick in gear, to get me on track with better thoughts and a better attitude. I really don't want to feel like this over the holidays.

Just Floating Along

This week has not necessarily been hard or bad, it’s just been. I feel like we’re just floating along and waiting. I do not feel like I have much to say. I do not feel like I have a lot to care about. I’m just here.

It’s Friday and I like to have a few positive thoughts on Fridays. I’ve been sitting here a while trying to think of things and so far nothing. It not that everything is awful it’s just that everything feels a bit numb. I think I’ll got take a lunch break and see if this cloudiness clears any at all.

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quick update - I have 21 followers! That's a positive for sure. I love my bloggie friends :)

Without you

Today my mind is preoccupied with the have not. This song has stuck with me for awhile now and today it just keeps replaying in my head -

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.
The world revives
Colors renew
But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.
Without you.
Without you, the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns!
The heart yearns!
The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I'm gone.
Cause I die, without you.
Without you.
Without you.
Without you.

(Without you~ the cast of Rent)

There will be Positive Friday

“In this moment, I’m struggling and I can’t do what I want to do, not only have I not had a good moment, I’ve missed the moment completely, just by standing outside the moment and judging it” ~ Michael J. Fox

Today I am crawling out of my pit of sadness and am going to force myself to find the positive. I might slide back into sadness or anger another time, but today I will make a few steps forward.

So here are the positives about today and our situation –

1. The good news about our diagnosis - 75% of males that have this surgery show an increase in sperm count and quality. As long as he is in that 75% than our chances will go from 0 or 2% up to 50%. I think a fifty percent increase is better than I would have expected.

2. My husband is a trooper. While at the doctor’s he just jumped up and said “so, when can we do it” when told that surgery is the answer.

3. I have a great support system of people around me that truly care and are doing their best to understand what we are going through and why I’m being such a butthead right now. This also includes some wonder bloggies that have given me such sweet and wonderfully uplifting comments over the last few weeks. Thank you so much ladies :)

4. Our chances of conceiving are slim to none right now, so we get to save money on OPKs and HPTs for the next few months.

5. Waiting a few months to conceive will mean I might miss a few of the really hot months for a due date.

6. I think I'm going to take this waiting time and be productive. I really need to get back into a workout schedule and hopefully I just use this to jump start it.

7. There is a new local cupcake place and today at lunch I picked up not one but two cupcakes to try. I adore cupcakes so this gave we a big smile today.

8. I'm lucky enough to live in TN and tomorrow tickets go on sale for the first Garth Brooks concert he has down here in 12 years. So I get to get up early in the morning, stand in line and buy tickets for my wonderful Mom.

So there you have it. I found some positives. Please take a moment to think of something positive for yourself and if you feel like sharing leave me a comment. Comments make me smile almost as much as cupcakes.

Today Bitter is my new Black

When you receive news that you do not like, I think everyone has their own way of reacting. Normally I’m a pretty positive person (partially why I titled my blog like I did) and will focus on the good things. When my husband gets upset he normally gets mad first and I in turn try to remind him of all the ways it could be worse.

Today those roles are very clearly switched. I’m spitting mad and feel very bitter. Not at him but at our situation. My brow is so furrowed I just might need Botox by the end of the day. Everyone and everything I look at is seen from very negative eyes and ignites a new passion of fury. The stupidest things have ticked me off already. I’m trying to say at my desk and not look at anyone. If I don’t look at them I don’t have to talk to them. If I don’t talk to them I don’t have to act like something is wrong.

My second biggest fear in life is facing me head on. My desire to have children is ingrained in my being, has been my main goal in life for as long as I can remember. My picture of happiness is having a home that my husband and I build for our children. And today we officially heard a doctor say Infertility. We did not have to hit the full year mark to hear Male infertility.

If you’ve hung around this long I guess maybe you’re interested in the details?

Well we have been told today that husband has a condition called Varicocele. (If you interested in the details of it just click on the link)

Our chances of conception right now are almost 0 percent – this is not me being dramatic at all. He said this same thing more than once. My husband is now scheduled for a varicocele repair in December. While it is an outpatient procedure he will have to take a whole week off of work. He is out of vacation time so of course the whole week will be without pay. Not to mention that fact that we need to pray very hard that insurance will cover the procedure. If they do not, we will have to put the surgery off for who knows how long.

Please don’t get me wrong, I KNOW things could be worse, but right now I truly feel crushed. I’m angry. I’m disappointed and feel helpless. I am wallowing in my pity….

(tomorrow I will be positive)

Being Positive, I think

I have to admit I'm pretty darn tired of feeling all doom and gloom. I'm ready to get over this negativity hump. This whole week has felt crappy and I've been crabby with it.

So this evening I am striving to be positive. Tomorrow we have a doctor's appointment and instead of expecting the worse I'm gong to be hopeful. I can not be upset about it unless there is a reason to be and since we haven't gone yet, I do not have a good reason. (thinking good thoughts...fairies...puppy dogs.....sunshine.....)

The spotting has stopped. Well at least for today. Last time it was every other day for a week but this month I was on Clomid so I have no idea what it means if anything. But in hope of trying to be positive, if AF starts I'm getting drunker than a skunk this weekend!

Ok, well that's it for now. I'm planning on a peaceful evening with no stress. Looking forward to a lovely morning with a nice doctor (we hope) that will give us good news about our chances.

Well this sure has been one fine day!

Let’s see, whats happened so far today….

I woke up.

Took a HPT this morning (9 dpo). I know it was silly but I woke up with such a nice feeling of hope I decided to go with it. Of course it was BFN but I was not surprised and it did not make me upset.

While in this shower I got an extremely large about of face wash directly in my left eye. It was more painful that I could have imaged. My eye burned for about two hours once I was able to open it. Now it is bloodshot and watery. The sunlight and my computer screen are making it a bit worse.

I voted. This part was ok and only took about 5 minutes.

Stopped to get breakfast, which I hardly ever do anymore and ordered a new coffee drink. The picture looked like hot coffee, whip crème and all. Tasty sounding right? Well you would be wrong, it’s an iced drink and tasted watered down.

Got to work and remembered I had a 2 hour meeting/presentation thing to go to this morning. Oh joy, always love those.

Quick pit stop at the restroom before meeting and discover oh so wonderfully that I’m spotting.

Sat through meeting, trying not to cry about previous discovery and developed a headache.

Check phone after meeting to discover text message from high school friend announcing her baby will be a boy.

Had a friend’s dad checking my IPod to see what is wrong with it and was just told its pretty much shot. So now I’m IPod-less for who knows how long.

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So, I wonder what else this day has stored for me.

What is meant to be will be....

I have used and believed in this saying for years. It has proven to be correct in many of my major milestones - high school boyfriends, a job, even my wedding. With that said, I am now terrified of it.

There is always this big picture you can not see now that will one day light up and become clear. Now I'm sitting here wondering what is it that I don't know yet. Has my husbands SA opened up a door to get him to the doctor to find out something bad? Is this just a way to delay us a bit longer because there is something big coming we don't know about yet? So many unknown things I could worry about.

Up until this point, looking back I can see there were good reasons for things and overall I'm happy with the outcome. But right now I just don't know what can happen that would make not having a baby right now a good thing.