Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Last night I had a dream that I had a baby and was breast feeding her. It was surprisingly sweet and touching. I woke up trying to hold this baby of mine and had a very bittersweet moment - to wake up and know that this is not yet my life but more of a sense of what could be. It was not a “what if” feeling or a “have not”, but instead a sometime soon.

While that feeling was nice, it did not last. My numbness has kicked back in.

I’m finding it hard to blog right now because I feel like I do not have anything to say or think about. I’m having trouble relating to people even the other blogs I follow. Knowing that right now our chances are slim to none, I’m actually feeling jealous of those who have the hope and possibilities this month (by no means am I saying I don’t wish you all the best of luck). The few preggos I do know or see sometimes are like the plague. I’m close to tripping over myself to get away from them. It’s like their bellies are a beacon of light shinning out saying “Look at me! Look what I have! Look how easy it is. I know you wish this was you”. Almost like a bad Care Bear sharing mean and depressing thoughts.

My mood is not necessarily bad, I’m able to enjoy the day I just feel like time is wasting away. As we get closer to my husband's surgery my feeling have been bittersweet as well. I am excited to know that our chances will increase. But at the same time I'm having trouble being positive about it. I am fearful that more problems will arise and this is not the final answer.

I need something to kick in gear, to get me on track with better thoughts and a better attitude. I really don't want to feel like this over the holidays.


  1. I know the six or so months where we knew we had no chance at all to conceive on our own while we were waiting for IVF was very hard. You just feel benched. Hopefully the time will fly by for you and your Husband's surgery will give you a real chance.

  2. Praying that things start looking up and that your husband's surgery will give you the added optimism that you need!

  3. Sending you lots of hugs. I hope time passess quickly so you can get back on the TTC bandwagon with hopes of conceiving quickly.

  4. We need to find something to "STARE" down that bad Care Bear! I'm sending positive vibes your way.

  5. sending you lots of love and hugs.