Bittersweet

Last night I had a dream that I had a baby and was breast feeding her. It was surprisingly sweet and touching. I woke up trying to hold this baby of mine and had a very bittersweet moment - to wake up and know that this is not yet my life but more of a sense of what could be. It was not a “what if” feeling or a “have not”, but instead a sometime soon.

While that feeling was nice, it did not last. My numbness has kicked back in.

I’m finding it hard to blog right now because I feel like I do not have anything to say or think about. I’m having trouble relating to people even the other blogs I follow. Knowing that right now our chances are slim to none, I’m actually feeling jealous of those who have the hope and possibilities this month (by no means am I saying I don’t wish you all the best of luck). The few preggos I do know or see sometimes are like the plague. I’m close to tripping over myself to get away from them. It’s like their bellies are a beacon of light shinning out saying “Look at me! Look what I have! Look how easy it is. I know you wish this was you”. Almost like a bad Care Bear sharing mean and depressing thoughts.

My mood is not necessarily bad, I’m able to enjoy the day I just feel like time is wasting away. As we get closer to my husband's surgery my feeling have been bittersweet as well. I am excited to know that our chances will increase. But at the same time I'm having trouble being positive about it. I am fearful that more problems will arise and this is not the final answer.

I need something to kick in gear, to get me on track with better thoughts and a better attitude. I really don't want to feel like this over the holidays.