Today is my Birthday.
Honestly I'm not a big birthday person. Its just another day. This year like the last three or four my Birthday kicks off my small depression train. This train normally chugs along right past Christmas and straight into the new year. Around mid-January I'll get up the nerves to jump off and force myself to walk along the tracks and hope to keep the train at bay for a little while longer. But do not be surprised if it makes a quick return in February when our anniversary rolls around and the official TTC year mark hits.
Even before we started trying it would sting a bit each time my birthday rolled around. I look out at most of my friends and they get lovely Happy Birthday Mommy cards and sweet little handmade gifts. I adore my family and all the sweet things they do to help me ring in another notch on my age tree but in my heart there is that empty feeling that seems to spread out a bit more this time of year that no one else can touch. I thought last year would be my last go around on the pity train, but alas, the months in between have proven to be informative and so this year instead of saying I'm a Mom I get to sneak closer to 30 with another year of what-ifs and hope-so.
I took the day off today to quietly suffer if silence. Its amazing how the oddest things can set you off in tears. It might make me a bit of a coward but to save face I just wanted to get away and avoid any chance of hearing the getting older jokes and the one person that would no doubt ask about it finally being time for children yet. No one really gets the fact that I'm not bothered with being another year older but that its the fact that its another year gone by that I was not given my one wish.
In the lovely fashion that luck seems to have I decided to run errands today to keep myself busy. First stop, picking up pig feed - no problem. Second stop oil change - done, and oh by the way your water pump needs to be replaced. GREAT! That is just what I asked for. Later on this evening my lovely husband plans to take me to a hockey game, which I am very excited for. Expect that we are supposed to have a possible ice storm tonight and now we might not be able to go.
Whew, first let me say it feels nice to get all that out. Maybe with a clearer head I can proceed on with this day and enjoy a bit of it. Here's to hoping the weather doesn't get too bad.
Happy Birthday!! I know how hard it is to see those special days come and go and still be without the one thing you want more than anything else. It is on those days that I make sure to remind myself of the ways I HAVE been blessed. Enjoy your day!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday! One of these years coming up you will get a grubby little handmade card from your child for your birthday and it will make all of these worthwhile. That's what I tell myself anyway. : )
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Lindsay!!! Birthday's are always hard when what you want hasn't arrived yet. Just think that by your anniversary there is light at the end of the tunnel as 3mths since the surgery for DH (I think?).
ReplyDelete2011 will be your year..stay strong chick.
xx
Happy Birthday! I know these days are hard. 2011 will be your year so try to have a bit of a good time, I know it's hard. I hope you find some enjoyment today!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday! I hope that you have been able to enjoy yourself, despite the sad feelings. I can totally relate to feeling disappointed that another birthday has arrived without a baby to show for it.
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