Getting To Explain Is Not Always Better

So I got called out today. Remember my bitter bird post? Well one of my coworkers asked me today what was wrong with me then. She noticed it then but didn’t say anything. Apparently she has noticed it before that I seem to change whenever kids are brought into the office and she wanted to ask me why. She knows our story and the current statuses so I was a bit surprised to have this question brought up but she is the kind of person that cares and I know she was asking from a caring place.

I explained to her about how trapped I felt being surrounded by people looking at this baby over in my cube. That I have lost my desire to pick up and love on any random baby I see. This is a trait I use to have but now I just can’t. I think it is more of a self preservation kind of thing. I can faun over baby now and cry uncontrollably later on or I can try and shut those emotions off to avoid that despair. I love the ladies I work with and completely understand the desire to show off your child that you talk about everyday but it’s really hard to face them on the days they do this. It is not that I do not want to coo and ahh at your child it’s that I can not control all the emotions that flood in afterwards.

She listened and said that while she did not fully understand the exact situation because she not go through it, she understands what I’m saying. But now I sit at my desk feeling ashamed that someone could so clearly see me being uncomfortable.

I also skipped going to my 10 year High School reunions last week for the same self preservation reasons. I was literally scared of the idea of spending a night hanging out with a bunch of people asking those three main questions – You married? Got Kids? Oh, Why Not?

I do not like the idea of living life in fear and maybe that really is all it is, but is it wrong of me to not appease everyone else to make them more comfortable and suffer for it later?