do you ever feel haunted by your thoughts?
like you are your own worst enemy?
does the jealously seem too much?
how do you fight it?
at what point does this "journey" change you to a point of no return?
will i was always feel bitter?
is this happening because i am strong enough to deal with it?
is it because i am not enough?
is it just natural selection?
hope do you cope?
how do you survive feeling so broken?
how do you not become just a big shell?
why does anyone have to go through this?
what is being learned?
what is gained?
is it wrong to call this a curse?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
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Yes - Sometimes my head is a prison.
ReplyDeleteYes - It isn't a question. I am my own worst enemy.
Sometimes - It can be quite intense. But what's the choice? Turn off thinking?
Hypnotherapy once worked...otherwise I'm not sure survival is considered fighting.
At the point where you first realise youre having trouble falling pregnant. Yes. Really. That early.
Maybe - Depends on your personality. I'm not bitter but I am jealous even after getting there.
No. There is no reason for it. Individuals and marriages have crashed over this. You aren't chosen. It just happens. It isn't right or just or fair or logical.
See the above answer.
Maybe. But one could argue the same about famine. It isn't worth going there.
I don't know. In a sense I didn't hence, hypnotherapy.
See the above answer.
Cause I refused to let it. I valued my life and marriage too much.
See answer to query about being strong enough.
That's individual. I learned a lot about the point where I lose perspective and can no longer see the world from another's shoes. I learned about jealousy and pain and obsession.
Also individual. I gained patience and appreciation for conception and pregnancy. I gained fear of loss. I gained an insight into the world of infertility and people who are touched or thumped by it.
No. You can call it anything you like. It is your experience and your pain. You are entitled to label it as you see fit.
Xxxx
Wow, some really thought provoking questions...that are all too valid!
ReplyDeleteMy battle is constant and ongoing, physically, emotionally and mentally. Some days I can see the good in the struggle, and other days I cry out "why me"! I try to figure out what I've done so wrong in my life to deserve this, but as a believer, I know better.
I battle the jealousy demon something terrible...jealousy has got to be one of the worst traits to have! Bitterness follows the jealousy, and then I've just turned into someone I don't even recognize anymore.
I truly feel so obsessed with it, but yet I feel it may never happen. It is such a twisted feeling.
I cope through my faith, through prayer and strength the Lord gives me...I wouldn't survive ANY other way :) As far as what is gained...a lot of hurt, financial loss and incredible amounts of anxiety and stress. But, if I'm going to look at it from a Christian point of view...there is a lot of good to be gained from it as well. I have learned so much through this journey about my own heart and the hurts that others experience...through this, I have been able to support, encourage or just plain acknowledge other peoples struggles. I have drawn so much closer to my husband, and at times I feel that it has made me a wiser and stronger woman.
My heart breaks everyday for women who struggle with infertility...words can't even describe the pain. I'm so sorry for you and I will pray very hard for you. I pray you find the strength to forge ahead, I pray that you always stay hopeful...and that one day you will have the beautiful baby that you have wanted so badly.
Blessings :)
Amy
(I didn't answer all of your questions, or in the right format...but I wanted to reply)
do you ever feel haunted by your thoughts?
ReplyDeleteyes
like you are your own worst enemy?
definitely
does the jealously seem too much?
yes it does, i wish i could make it stop ... but we can't turn off emotions
how do you fight it?
unfortunately, i can't fight the jealousy or my feelings ... time is the only thing that heals. however, i can fight this infertility battle and you can too. i believe in you!
at what point does this "journey" change you to a point of no return?
as soon as i realized this wasn't going to be as easy for me as it is for everyone else. for me that came after a miscarriage and ectopic in the same year.
will i always feel bitter?
no we won't! one day we will both be blogging about our beautiful babies!!
is this happening because i am strong enough to deal with it?
i like to think so :)
is it because i am not enough?
no, definitely not!!!
is it just natural selection?
no, i don't think so. i think we all are on a different journey and in time we will figure out just what that journey is. for us, it includes infertility. but that is just a small, tiny part of our journey.
hope do you cope?
i read, i work out, i cry, i sing, i pray, i talk, i blog, i shop and most of all i indulge in all those things that preggos can't (ie. wine, sushi, hot tubs, caffeine, massages)
how do you survive feeling so broken?
i break down once a month and cry till no more tears can come out. this probably isn't the healthiest thing, but it helps.
how do you not become just a big shell?
i think at times i am. but whenever i see one of my nephews (or really any baby) those negative thoughts go out the window. i have so much love for those little guys. well that, and i intend to kick infertility's ass. i am going to work and work doing anything and everything i can to have my own little baby.
why does anyone have to go through this?
i don't have an answer for this one. why are some children given up for adoption? why are there people in this country who go to bed hungry? why are there so many people homeless? when i am down and asking myself this question, i try and think about how fortunate i am to have a husband who adores me, dinner on my table every night, a pretty home, a nice car, a great job, a closet full of shoes and amazing friends & family. it's so sad that anyone has to go thru this devastating infertility battle or any of the aforementioned battles. it's just part of our journey.
what is being learned?
patience, which i might have needed to learn anyway
what is gained?
a whole lot of wisdom and maybe a few bloggie friends along the way. you can count me as one :)
I think all of our answers will be far to similar. I guess that is good though, it means we are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI know several posted answers to your questions... But I feel you wrote it more as a poem on this wonderfully hopeless night. :(
ReplyDeleteAnd it does feel like a curse. Know anyone who can lift it? :\
The tragedy is that we all feel so alone...each and every one of us who are going through infertility. It feels like we are being punished, though we haven't done anything wrong. I hate to compare it to a disease, but it is the Russian roulete of health and abilities. I think that I was lucky to be naturally athletic...but I have the burden of being infertile. We have abilities and disabilities, and we have to remember that none of them are our fault or accomplishment. I am with you...and hope you feel better. Do what you need to do - shop, chocolate, night out...whatever. Even if for a little while..
ReplyDelete