the less positive post

CD 5

I had planned to have a nice little post today about feeling a bit better and not being upset about the not knowing. Then the day started....

It was not really a bad day overall. Some of my favorite peoples had birthdays today and work went pretty fast. However on the baby front I felt like I was getting poked with a hot poker most of the day. Sometimes I can just ignore the little things and other days those little bits annoy the heck out of me.

Almost right away I indirectly found out a fellow coworker on my team is knocked up. Her fiance and her have been engaged for a little while and the relationship has not had a good history before so one may expect the timing is really not the best. However I'm not in a place to judge who gets it and who does not, but sometimes it does sting a bit when you know history there. And actually I was not all that surprised because weeks ago I noticed two days in a row she came into the ladies room while I was there and was giving back her lunch. I asked co worker then but at the time no one knew. I had forgotten about it but I guess I was right.

I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad. I never talk to her and rarely ever see her even though she sits fairly close. But then not long after she came walking into work late, in her normal prissy sort of walking way, and walked past me. I was turning away already but involuntarily I felt myself have this awful, horrible mad sneer. Thankfully no one else saw me. Where does that come from? I don't hate her, it is not her fault I'm dealing with this and she is not. Her getting knocked up does not take away from my chances but yet I still felt a wave of pure jealously and rage take over for a mere bleep of a second. I hate that I can not control these types of emotions.

On a much nicer note - another co worker, whom I adore, knew about the pregnancy a few weeks ago. Knowing that it might upset me and worrying about my feelings she approached the girl and asked permission to share it with me early so I could be prepared and not hear it in some mass announcement. She was nicely turned down (and by all means she had ever right to and that does not upset me in the least) and asked not to tell. I am so thankful to have someone like that consider my feelings in such a heartfelt and caring way. I am really glad I have her and a few other really great ladies at work that I can really talk to.

There were more little things that got to me throughout the day but I think I'd much rather leave this at a positive point. When you remember the good things and people in it then why go on with more little things that do not matter....

Calling doctors….

I’m on the verge of tears again and just lost about what to do. I am scared to start this part of the journey and the amount of money this might incur. I am scared to know that the answer is not final and the outcome is just a bunch of statistics.

I’ve had to call around to our doctors today a few different times to get a new SA test requested. My doc (gyno) told me that since they have referred us once already that we have to go the clinic for further help because they are not a fertility office. I also called my hubby’s doctor (urologist) yesterday and they told me to call mine. So after striking out today I called the clinic directly. She told me straight up to call our doctors back again because if we have to get set up there as a new patient. New patient costs will be right at $1,000 for the initial consult (not including a new SA) and they do not take our insurance. And of course lovely insurance will not cover any of it. I hung up the phone with this really sweet lady and sat right there in my office conference room and cried away. Sitting there crying I feel like we are right back at the beginning being told there is little or now hope.


Thankfully I called hubby’s doctor back again and they will request the test for us. Thankfully for now I can hold on to a little bit of hope before going forward.

I have to admit my fear level is just really high now. If this test does not show improvement I know our next step will have to be with the clinic and costs will begin being out of pocket. I am scared to embark on possibility we might have to try IUIs or IVF.

As my husband would say – “I’m Out, Sprout”

CD2

Well the little stick guys worked hard this last week or so, but alas they did were not able to fulfill a better purpose.

First let me say how nice everyone was over the weekend. I've gotten some really lovely comments wish us luck and holding out hope. It really is nice to have a little cheering crowd and to know I am doing the same for so many others.

I started spotting on Saturday (CD 40) and yesterday the full wave kicked in. A bit of TMI here but this is like the heaviest flow I have had in a very long time and very clotty. (*blush* - well, hello there ICLW visitors). This kind of AF really makes me nervous – like was this cycle almost successful? Was my body trying to do its thing but gave up too quickly? Could there have been implantation and then failure?

This cycle has really been a doozy for me. I’ve not been stressed and really I’ve tried to be all positive but it was the longest cycle yet and just left me confused. I don’t feel like Clomid did anything and I’m not even sure I OVed. I didn’t have the hotflashes that normally kicks in with Clomid. I did not have any crazy symptoms but he last week or so I had did odd pulling and slight cramping feelings across my belly. In all honesty I thought there was a really good chance we had beaten the odds. Guess not this time.

So now its time to move on.

I feel like we have to get some more answers now. I am scared to know but I think its time.
So today I’m going to start calling around and schedule another swimmer test.

Come on Universe.

Hi Universe. It’s me. I’m just writing to you today to request something small. Really its nothing to big and I know you can handle it. You see I have this friend…he’s a little guy that has a bad lot in life. He only has one job and it’s not a fun job. But when he does it right it could mean the world to someone else. So Universe I’m asking you to help him out. Let me explain -

He gets to hang out in a small cramped space for most of his days. When he is called up to duty the poor guy’s role is simply to get peed on. Now no one likes to get peed on (well at least not most normal people that is) so if he has to go through this why not giving him the satisfaction of producing two lines? One extra line is not a big deal. It’s not even that much effort. Just one more little spot of color lined up in a row.

So Universe, if you could just consider helping this guy out that would be great. Sometimes we all need a little extra help to fulfill our potential.

Thank you very much,
Me

A Good Friday

So last night, while cooking dinner, my husband looks at me and says….”So, are we pregnant?”

I think I died a little inside telling him that I’m not sure but right now I don’t think so. This was only the second time he has ever asked this. Not only did he observe our timeline enough to wonder but he also included “WE” in that small sentence. To me this meant so much. And after telling him no he visibly got frustrated and said we’ll then we are going to get tested again next month. Another small, wonderful, bonding victory.

I know a lot of you out there have spouses that are very supportive in different kind of ways but in our house we have not really broached the subject much during testing time. He doesn’t ask and I don’t tell. Actually I hide the tests I take. I do this mainly because I do not want him to see my spazing out with the amount of tests I take and also because I would prefer to not have to acknowledge the result. I figured if I have to say out loud that it is negative then I’m making it more true. Reading the test and saying it my head is not as bad. Even typing it out is easier, but saying it out loud just feels wrong. I’m working on this but for now I think I’ll still keep a hold of them.

Ok, so now lets move on to less deep conversation. Today is Friday and I’m going to be Positive. I am going to be happy today and have hope.

1. I’ve been so crazy running around that I’ve missed on reading most of the blogs I follow and my leaving comments skills have really been lacking. But I’m going to get back on the ball. So my plan is to spend some nice computer time this weekend catching up, checking in and saying hi!

2. I got an email yesterday from the TTC/Pregnancy study I enrolled in before reminding me that I can still be considered for the study and to let me know my latest updates. I’m hoping this is just a really good case of timing and luck. Maybe its just a good sign.

3. I got my very first pair of cowboy boots. Very excited about them and hopefully I can get them worn in soon. I apparently have one foot that is fatter than the other so it might take a bit for them to fit just right.

4. Today has been a little less crazy at work so I’ve actually had time to listen to my Ipod and all my new downloads.

5. I finished a really great (and really long) audio book yesterday – Brisingr (http://www.amazon.com/Brisingr-Inheritance-Cycle-Christopher-Paolini/dp/0375826742/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1305911773&sr=8-11) and that the next book will be coming out later this year. EEEK – love this series. Just a fun little getaway.

6. AF is still not here yet! So I’m still in it! If you have a little extra, share a little hope :O)

7. Today work was nice and fun. I had a great lunch out with my bestie and had some good laughs to finish up the day.

8. My hubby will be home this weekend. It will be nice to have just some us hanging out time. And if the weather holds out we might go to the local Renaissance Festival.


Tell me, how about you? What is positive in your day today or in your plans? Do you have any weekend goals?

Whats Goin On?

CD 38

Just a lovely little update. Today was the same as yesterday, no signs of AF and still getting BFN when testing. I even used a different test this morning.
So now I think I will wait out the weekend, test Sunday and if the results are still the same call my doc first thing Monday morning.

My only concern is that I have had small little twinges on the right side. These have not been painful but have felt different than gas or AF cramps. Part of me is terrified this might be ectopic and the other half is just saying AF is late.

I really wish I knew what was going on.

This not knowing when OV happened blows.

Today is CD36. Four tests so far this cycle the last being two days ago with a BFN. My longest cycle ever has been 40 days and that was while I was possible still weaning off the pill. My longest cycle with Clomid was 36 days with spotting starting on CD 35 and 36, full blown AF on CD 37.

I sit here now wondering when should I try to test again. If I had used an expensive test on Sunday, would I have had a different result? Oddly I still do not have my hopes up. I do not have a feeling its over but just confused. For the last day or so I’ve had a few twinges of cramp like things. Not AF feeling but more like an OV tightness. Does this mean anything at all? My CM has been watery looking for like the last week.

Thoughts?

Growing

Lately I have noticed that people are speaking a bit more openly to me about their own children, plans to have them or when they plan to have another. I am torn between being happy that they are not scared to talk to me about these things as much now and the desire to instantly put up my guard and request a subject change. I voluntarily brought up our struggles to an outsider while explaining something else and I survived it without tears.

I know for a while it was (and sometimes still can be) hard to be around me when I am in an emotional valley, but in the beginning anything and everything hurt my feelings. I lashed out and took offense so easily. The mere mention of their own children or plans to have them made me want to scream and complain that they do not know how lucky they are. My fears crept in and made me bitter and overly sad. My jealously made me angry that they not consider completely cutting out any children talk. Talking about what their kids would be for Halloween or what they planned to get them for Christmas would quietly bring me to tears at my work desk. I felt as though I was always hiding my feelings. It is so hard to have IF there all the time. To have this dark cloud always hovering and everyone else not notice it. I was finding myself angry at those closest to me. I was finding reasons to get mad and would get upset that everyone did not consider how their everyday words could be so hurtful to me.

But lately I have found myself in a different kind of emotional place. This evening I am looking inward and saying that I am a bit proud of myself. I think I have gotten over the biggest hump of acknowledgment or maybe even a little bit of acceptance. I have realized that it is ok to still have IF and TTC on my mind all the time but still be able to function daily without breaking down. There was a time when I cried almost daily. That the mere mention of someones children or their plans to do kid things that next day would break me down. But tonight has been the first cry I have had in weeks. And this cry is not one of sadness but instead filled with a little bit of joy and hope.

I have really great support systems around me and in the beginning I could not recognize this. Even more those relationships and the level of support has grown. I have learned more and my goals feel less desperate. My husband and I are on better ground. We have taken in this challenge and are able to walk closer together because of it.

I know that I will still have bad days. I will still question myself and ask why. My hopes and dreams of having a family will be always be there but I think I can cope with the wait a little bit easier now.

I am still waiting for that positive but in the mean time being positive makes the wait possible.

Just read that...

Research shows that the sweet smell of grapefruit makes you feel more optimistic.....
.....I think I'm going to head out to the grocery now, I hear they have a great produce sections.

Another Friday Gone By

CD 32

So yesterday morning I tested…BFN. Oh great. I skipped it this morning. I am hoping I can hold out until Sunday.

Still no AF or spotting. Symptom wise – I was very tired last night and went to bed like two hours early and woke up still feeling sleepy. I felt a little upset to my stomach yesterday morning and at lunch I was shaking a bit and felt woozy getting out of the car. I’ve had some small twinges that may be cramps coming on but normally I do not get them until I AF is going strong. I guess this is where I say “at least I’m not out yet!”

I have been pretty bad about blogging lately. Things have gotten so busy at work and outside activities that I just feel plain tired by the time I get home. This evening the hubby is out so I have plenty of time to catch up.

Since it is Friday I'll do my catching up via positives (because while everything has been busy its been pretty great).

1. I took a long weekend trip up to IL with my Mom and sister over Mother's Day weekend. Besides a rocky drive up there, which I am not going to get into here, the trip was wonderful and awesome and so much fun. Long story short, one of my cousin's is a country singer and he got signed this year. His album was scheduled to come out last week and we drove up to visit family and go to his album release concert/party. Well due to the floods in AL the CD was not ready yet so I won't bore you with a lot of link and suggestions to check it out (just yet) but I will say that the concert was wonderful and we are just so darn proud of him. He is great and I have not stopped singing his songs since leaving.

2. It was so wonderful to meet and see family I have not seen in ages. Truthfully most were introductions but boy I have to say, I think I have a cool family. If my cousin's music takes off then there is a really good chance most of that family will move down here to TN (the country music capital!) and then we get to see them all the time. For now I'll just miss them and catch up on FB :)

3. Two great artist's put out CD's this week. One I was really, really looking forward too and the other was unexpected but tickled my fancy when I saw the review in a magazine. If your interested they were - lovestrong. by Christina Perri (whom I love and have posted a few of her links before, remember the awesomeness that is The Lonely?) and the other is When you Grow Up by Priscilla Ahn. The two artists are very different but I love them both.

4. I have it on my schedule to watch both Black Swan and Blue Valentine this evening. I think it might be an emotional evening. It is raining here and the water is pinging off our our skylights. I think its a perfect setting for a good movie night.

5. At work I have been working on our annual fund-raising campaign for a local charity organization. Our company does the largest push in the state I believe. I am a big party planner and love to be involved so this was right up my alley. Well we have been scheduling and planning things for the last few weeks and now we are putting everything into action now. I am really excited to see how it is all going and how nice some people have been about it. Today we had an event outside that myself and another girl planned for our team of 40. We are raising awareness about one of the places in particular and it has to do with kids. So our idea was to have a fun/field day outside with a few games. We had a great turnout and it was tons of fun. It is not too often you get to see a couple of your bosses running across the parking lot with an egg on a wooden spoon!

6. And last but not least, I am calling on you my fellow bloggers to click on a little link for me -

http://www.lelastree.com/

This is about a book a really good friend of my wrote and illustrated. He wanted to do a book in tribute to his daughter (who is just freaking precious and I call myself her Aunt) and during the process of this idea decided to take his idea and help someone else. Another family of our is adopting a child and trying to raise money to cover the costs. All proceeds of this book will go towards the adoption fees. I try not to advertise much on my blog and have refrained from using the blogger ads so I hope you will not be annoyed that I'm mentioning this now. It is a cause close to my heart and I person think the book is very sweet.

So my friends, there you have. I have caught up on reading your blogs. I am hanging out waiting on AF to show up but until then, please go and spread the positive vibes. Tell me something positive about your day, even if it is just itty bitty!

Wishing and wondering, hoping and praying…..

CD 30

I feel a little lost today. I have no idea what DPO it is and if O even happened this month. I tested on Tuesday (BFN, of course) but not today. I am scared to hope and scared of AF showing up. This cycle is really make or break for us. If it’s another failed cycle then we will go back in for testing. I do not want to face disappointment and am trying to keep the fears away but I just do not know if a new SA will have any improvements.

Work has kept me very busy and helped me keep away most of the nagging thoughts and worries but not all of them. I am also still a bit sad from the weekend and Mother’s day. I feel like each time a holiday rolls around I get a bit more sad. That is just one more event or day I am missing out by not being a mom. Yes it was very nice to have spend that time with my own Mother but that sadness still lingered in the background.

Honestly I am not overly sad today thought it might sound like it. I think I am just floating instead. This space of limbo between average cycle days and max cycle days seems too long. I desperately want to test but do not want to see another blank box and only one line.

Well Ok, So Where Was I Again

CD 25, 7ish DPO

Oh my, now this has been a crazy week. Nothing too exciting TTC wise just in general. My blogger feed is messed up right now and will not show me other blogs so I feel in the dark about what is going on with everyone else.

I am also in the dark about my cycle this week. I never did hit a peak day on my monitor so I am guesstimating that OV was on CD 18 and I am 7 DPO. I had positive readings for four more days after that but I am guessing that the Peak day would have it on the one day the test messed up. My ovaries felt a little swollen and right for the picking so I'm going with that.

However in the mean time I have been wondering if the Clomid messed with my cycle and I didn't OV at all this month. This has never happened before but there could be odder things then that.

Work has been awesomely busy and this week I have had two 11 hour days. But now I'm off for a long weekend so they will have to do without me. I am taking a family trip up to IL with my Mom and Sister to see a cousin of ours that is having an album release party/concert. Then we get to see family we don't see but every few years. I'm hoping the trip up there doesn't drag but I guess we'll see.

So with that I'll have to leave you and wish all of you sticky beans, happy hearts and positive thoughts. I've got to go pack!

(oh and I'll be missing Positive Friday since I am not cool and do not have a smart phone...so please spread the positivity and share a little here with me!)