Thursday, May 26, 2011

the less positive post

CD 5

I had planned to have a nice little post today about feeling a bit better and not being upset about the not knowing. Then the day started....

It was not really a bad day overall. Some of my favorite peoples had birthdays today and work went pretty fast. However on the baby front I felt like I was getting poked with a hot poker most of the day. Sometimes I can just ignore the little things and other days those little bits annoy the heck out of me.

Almost right away I indirectly found out a fellow coworker on my team is knocked up. Her fiance and her have been engaged for a little while and the relationship has not had a good history before so one may expect the timing is really not the best. However I'm not in a place to judge who gets it and who does not, but sometimes it does sting a bit when you know history there. And actually I was not all that surprised because weeks ago I noticed two days in a row she came into the ladies room while I was there and was giving back her lunch. I asked co worker then but at the time no one knew. I had forgotten about it but I guess I was right.

I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad. I never talk to her and rarely ever see her even though she sits fairly close. But then not long after she came walking into work late, in her normal prissy sort of walking way, and walked past me. I was turning away already but involuntarily I felt myself have this awful, horrible mad sneer. Thankfully no one else saw me. Where does that come from? I don't hate her, it is not her fault I'm dealing with this and she is not. Her getting knocked up does not take away from my chances but yet I still felt a wave of pure jealously and rage take over for a mere bleep of a second. I hate that I can not control these types of emotions.

On a much nicer note - another co worker, whom I adore, knew about the pregnancy a few weeks ago. Knowing that it might upset me and worrying about my feelings she approached the girl and asked permission to share it with me early so I could be prepared and not hear it in some mass announcement. She was nicely turned down (and by all means she had ever right to and that does not upset me in the least) and asked not to tell. I am so thankful to have someone like that consider my feelings in such a heartfelt and caring way. I am really glad I have her and a few other really great ladies at work that I can really talk to.

There were more little things that got to me throughout the day but I think I'd much rather leave this at a positive point. When you remember the good things and people in it then why go on with more little things that do not matter....


  1. It's hard not to be upset, when you want something so badly and have tried so hard. Hang in there. I hope you get your BFP soon!

  2. I know this probably doesn't make you feel all that better but wanted you to know that this is probably one of my favoritest posts you've done. I can visually picture "giving her food back)" as well as the "sneer" that I know we all do and are super thankful (and hopeful) that no one elses sees it. I love this and you too. Hope you have a great holiday weekend.

    BTY this is the word that I had to type to get approved, thought it was funny: hosaliti

  3. I read this post and it really struck me how hard on yourself you are! You are in the midst of a really painful struggle and you are handling it much better than most. It is perfectly normal to be triggered by other people getting pregnant. Especially the people who get pregnant by accident! (They are always the ones complaining about all their symptoms too - that always irked me) Hang in there and be sweet with yourself. You are doing your best, and that's more than most people can say.

  4. I have been there too:( When I heard someone was pregnant( family or friends) I would cry hysterically in the bathroom for about 20 minutes. It was very hard..and you are not alone in your sad and jealous feeling. It is even more disheartening as you go through your journey of pregnancy with if or not..It is upsetting when people just do not plan or or so not right to be parents. It is not right to judge..but certain incidents when there is drugs, violence and lack of money...these subjects when it involves pregnancy are so upsetting.