the less positive post

CD 5

I had planned to have a nice little post today about feeling a bit better and not being upset about the not knowing. Then the day started....

It was not really a bad day overall. Some of my favorite peoples had birthdays today and work went pretty fast. However on the baby front I felt like I was getting poked with a hot poker most of the day. Sometimes I can just ignore the little things and other days those little bits annoy the heck out of me.

Almost right away I indirectly found out a fellow coworker on my team is knocked up. Her fiance and her have been engaged for a little while and the relationship has not had a good history before so one may expect the timing is really not the best. However I'm not in a place to judge who gets it and who does not, but sometimes it does sting a bit when you know history there. And actually I was not all that surprised because weeks ago I noticed two days in a row she came into the ladies room while I was there and was giving back her lunch. I asked co worker then but at the time no one knew. I had forgotten about it but I guess I was right.

I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad. I never talk to her and rarely ever see her even though she sits fairly close. But then not long after she came walking into work late, in her normal prissy sort of walking way, and walked past me. I was turning away already but involuntarily I felt myself have this awful, horrible mad sneer. Thankfully no one else saw me. Where does that come from? I don't hate her, it is not her fault I'm dealing with this and she is not. Her getting knocked up does not take away from my chances but yet I still felt a wave of pure jealously and rage take over for a mere bleep of a second. I hate that I can not control these types of emotions.

On a much nicer note - another co worker, whom I adore, knew about the pregnancy a few weeks ago. Knowing that it might upset me and worrying about my feelings she approached the girl and asked permission to share it with me early so I could be prepared and not hear it in some mass announcement. She was nicely turned down (and by all means she had ever right to and that does not upset me in the least) and asked not to tell. I am so thankful to have someone like that consider my feelings in such a heartfelt and caring way. I am really glad I have her and a few other really great ladies at work that I can really talk to.

There were more little things that got to me throughout the day but I think I'd much rather leave this at a positive point. When you remember the good things and people in it then why go on with more little things that do not matter....