Growing

Lately I have noticed that people are speaking a bit more openly to me about their own children, plans to have them or when they plan to have another. I am torn between being happy that they are not scared to talk to me about these things as much now and the desire to instantly put up my guard and request a subject change. I voluntarily brought up our struggles to an outsider while explaining something else and I survived it without tears.

I know for a while it was (and sometimes still can be) hard to be around me when I am in an emotional valley, but in the beginning anything and everything hurt my feelings. I lashed out and took offense so easily. The mere mention of their own children or plans to have them made me want to scream and complain that they do not know how lucky they are. My fears crept in and made me bitter and overly sad. My jealously made me angry that they not consider completely cutting out any children talk. Talking about what their kids would be for Halloween or what they planned to get them for Christmas would quietly bring me to tears at my work desk. I felt as though I was always hiding my feelings. It is so hard to have IF there all the time. To have this dark cloud always hovering and everyone else not notice it. I was finding myself angry at those closest to me. I was finding reasons to get mad and would get upset that everyone did not consider how their everyday words could be so hurtful to me.

But lately I have found myself in a different kind of emotional place. This evening I am looking inward and saying that I am a bit proud of myself. I think I have gotten over the biggest hump of acknowledgment or maybe even a little bit of acceptance. I have realized that it is ok to still have IF and TTC on my mind all the time but still be able to function daily without breaking down. There was a time when I cried almost daily. That the mere mention of someones children or their plans to do kid things that next day would break me down. But tonight has been the first cry I have had in weeks. And this cry is not one of sadness but instead filled with a little bit of joy and hope.

I have really great support systems around me and in the beginning I could not recognize this. Even more those relationships and the level of support has grown. I have learned more and my goals feel less desperate. My husband and I are on better ground. We have taken in this challenge and are able to walk closer together because of it.

I know that I will still have bad days. I will still question myself and ask why. My hopes and dreams of having a family will be always be there but I think I can cope with the wait a little bit easier now.

I am still waiting for that positive but in the mean time being positive makes the wait possible.