Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wishing and wondering, hoping and praying…..

CD 30

I feel a little lost today. I have no idea what DPO it is and if O even happened this month. I tested on Tuesday (BFN, of course) but not today. I am scared to hope and scared of AF showing up. This cycle is really make or break for us. If it’s another failed cycle then we will go back in for testing. I do not want to face disappointment and am trying to keep the fears away but I just do not know if a new SA will have any improvements.

Work has kept me very busy and helped me keep away most of the nagging thoughts and worries but not all of them. I am also still a bit sad from the weekend and Mother’s day. I feel like each time a holiday rolls around I get a bit more sad. That is just one more event or day I am missing out by not being a mom. Yes it was very nice to have spend that time with my own Mother but that sadness still lingered in the background.

Honestly I am not overly sad today thought it might sound like it. I think I am just floating instead. This space of limbo between average cycle days and max cycle days seems too long. I desperately want to test but do not want to see another blank box and only one line.


  1. the waiting is absolutely the worst. i hope you get your answer soon and that it's a positive one. i'd hate for y'all to have to go through testing. i'll be thinking of you!

  2. Unknown cycle lengths suck, it's so hard to get your emotions straight when you have no idea what's going on in there.

  3. Just checking in to see how you are doing. Thinking of you...

  4. I hope you get your BFP!!!!!