I made a stupid decision this morning. I decided last night that I was going to go ahead and POAS today just because it was my last day of vacation and maybe, just maybe I would get a nice surprise. And as you can always guess, it was a BFN. Even worse I dreamed about taking the test all night long. That should have been enough of a hint for me but who listens to logic when they are desperate? Yes, today is only 10DPO but my normal LP is 11 days so it's only one day early right? I did not however stop to think about how the Clomid might affect this part of the cycle. Who knows, maybe my body is shooting for 40 days and 40 nights....today is CD34 so it would make just a nice little wrap to a very long cycle....
As I sit hear now, I have a little twinge of something going on on my right side. Cramps? Stomach Ache? A symptom? Honestly I do not even want to guess. I'm holding on to this little piece of hope that is slipping through my finger tips, with tears in my eyes I think I might just have to let it go.
Since this post is already on a negative kind of spin I guess I will just continue. I have been trying to catch up on some blogs I missed over the weekend and came across one that hit a chord. She was mainly telling 2010 to F-off because the year sucked and there was not a BFP in sight. I have to admit it struck me hard to think of the year and while it as a whole has not sucked, this TTC part really has. I did all this waiting and hoping for the right time to start trying. And jaded, I expected fast results. Now, sitting here the weather has changed, my next birthday is looming, a new cousin was born last Friday, another one is due in December and I just realized that this year really is pretty much over. The chances that we would have a child this year is long gone and the hope of even getting started is really unlikely. If/when this cycle is not successful I will have to call my Doc and talk to her about the Clomid and how it went. Then we'll try again and if my cycle does another long repeat, only have time left this year for one or two more tries. Then I'll get my hopes up and pray for a Christmas miracle, which of course will not happen and then I'll start off 2011 on some type of depression medication. (whew, writing it out just made it that more clear and awful).
See what one little stick can do for positivity?
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