Is there another word for Update?

I feel like the majority of posts I've had lately have been "just little updates". This is just another one of those. No new news. Still waiting.

This last week I had a nice bit of overwhelming news. It was the lovely trifecta of announcements. One lady at work (who I found out by accident), one very close friend who is one of the best Moms I know, and a family member currently cooking up thier 10th!!!. All of these I found out about within 48 hours. Thankfully I did not have a full out breakdown but just a few tears.

The majority of my time has been spent working on my Thirty One business and learning to make pretty cakes. I found that having distractions is the best way for me to stay sane. However my husband had a talk with me the other night and wanted to know why I had not planned us a second IUI. My "excuse" is that we've been busy but after talking it out the truth just comes down to fear. Some days I feel strong enough knowing that is ok today that we do not have babies yet, there is still time. Other days I feel like its already too late and I should just figure out how to go on with life knowing we will never have them. For some reason it feels more daunting to have an one failed IUI behind us then it did before trying it. I know you can only do them so many times before moving on to IVF and for the love of all good-things holy that terrifies me. So after our talk we have decided to try again in November. It should be here before I know it.

Judging

Do you judge the level of worthiness of those around you that get knocked up? Does it hurt more when you feel the would not be good parents? Or when their circumstances are not good?

I'm having a very hard time today controlling my anger and judgements.

Another month gone by

Sigh...August is pretty much here another half year in the TRC journey has flown by.

Tonight I sit here at CD 38, been spotting for days but no AF. No symptoms and knowing that it is just waiting until I go out of town Thursday. Even AF likes to kick me in the ass sometimes

Our story is still not complete. While watching my best friend's belly grow I sit at home circling the bills from our first, failed IUI. Ahh, failed what a great word huh? I'd unsuccessful better?no matter what you call money is due and all we for was stress and tears.

Today I used the phrase "If we have a baby" instead of when. It was so natural and just came out. My sweet dear friend quickly corrected me to say WHEN and I do love her for that. However I think it is safe to say that I have finally let IF into the picture. Before when life was less knowledgable saying IF was just crazy talk. It was uncalled for and eerie. Now I feel like it is reality.

Passing Time

How do you keep a girl from thinking too much about a failed IUI?

Well for tonight I did the following -

I spent three hours making sugar flowers for my upcoming cake class.
Listen to the whole Rent soundtrack.
Listen to two other CDs!
Write a short blog.
Clean kitchen after crazy flower making.

It is now 1:35a and this gal is still up and going. Probably shouldn't have eaten any of that icing while making flowers...

Kidding aside, this week has sucked but I'm surviving. So far my emotions and thoughts have bounced between being numb and wondering what life would actually be like without any children in it. I know this is only one failed IUI, but for me, right now, it feels like one step closer to the end of never happening. One of four possible IUIs that might or might not have a good outcome before the only option is adoption and IVF. Both of which are just not feasible right now in our lives.

Also, I am still taking in the details from our IUI. The hubby's SA was not good at all. There were ZERO forward moving mobility swimmers. It has been over a year since his surgery and we thought it could only improve from there but I guess not.

The world seems to be surrounded by knocked up people and baby talk again. My BF is preggo (sigh, after one whole month trying) and is doing her damnest to make me confortable about it all. She has been wonderful with leaving the door open for me to talk to her about stuff when I'm ok to do it and but yet I am finding myself still being angry and rude to her. And I can't help it! I hear myself being short and rude to her and then walk away wondering why in the hell I'm mad at her. It is so not her fault and I know this. Why do we strike out at those closest to us?

Sigh.... It is so late. I really should be in bed and now I am just rambling.....

I will just end with saying, I'm trying to cope and keep myself in check but the positivity is not around right now. We will wait a month or two before the next try at an IUI. I just do not think I can handle two months in a row of negatives.

Losing Hope

Sigh, I sit here two weeks past IUI, very sore boobs and a BFN. I know it is not fully over but my flashbacks to all the other times I "thought" I had a feeling are coming back.

A little song therapy

Promise of you by Edwin McCain


Promise of you
It sleeps in the air
The air that I breathe
And I know that it's true
Don't have to convince myself to believe
What secrets sleep in the heart of a man
So much love wasted Slip right through my hands
See it in the eyes of the lonely
As they make their weary way
Shimmer in the eyes of longing
I hear it say
Promise of you
It sleeps in the air
The air that I breathe
And I know that it's true
Don't have to convince myself to believe
To believe...

What secrets sleep in the heart of the night
Dreams of salvation
Slipping out of sight
In the shimmering moments of twilight
Closing up the shine
Whisper on the wind of a rescue
Savior in time
Promise of you
It sleeps in the air
The air that I breathe
And I know that it's true
Don't have to convince myself to believe
All this time
I've been fighting my own private war
All this time
You were the peace I was looking for

Post IUI

8 days post IUI

My moods this week have been horrible so I have avoided blogging an update. We did indeed have our IUI and are smack in the middle of out TWW.

I am trying do hard not to over think things and add up symptoms. However my moodiness is either due to the clomid or my hormones. I have also had a very dry mouth and felt parched all day. Normally the mornings are worse.

Some days I have twinges and feelings but I am terrified of being let down so we are trying to expect a negative. Only another week till we know.

"Go Spermies Go!"

Yesterday my ultrasound went well. Well enough that we are scheduled this morning for our very first IUI.

I'm nervous as can be and that is part of why I did not update last night. However I thought I should share a funny.

While getting ready to leave this morning my husband jumps out of the shower, runs over to me and leans in real close.
"Do you hear that?" he says.
Me, "huh? Hear what?"
He leans closer and says-
"it's your eggs cheering!"
Let's go Spermies (clap clap clap) let's go Spermies!!!

Hot Flash....I mean News Flash

Just a quick update today since i am typing on my phone.

I am currently lying in bed with awful hot flashes. Why? Because I took Clomid this month. Why? Because we are finally attempting an IUI!

Tomorrow morning I go for a follicle tracking ultrasound. It will be CD12 and hopefully we can get it moving before the weekend.

Miss you all! I am going to dive back into blogging regularly again soon.

Moving Forward

I have had a few sad/pitafull posts lately but I can say the hubby and I are officatlly moving forward. I have a prescription in hand for Clomid and will start taking sometime next week. We have all the costs now ( almost double what I was orignally told) and we are making plans. 

This next cycle we will try an IUI.

I am on CD 26 right now.

This morning I got to look at someone else's ultra sound

This afternoon I get told how much we have to spend for a chance at conception.

And just now I stopped in a big, huge, cold puddle.

FML.

Fear

I checked out for a while, I know this.
I haven't been blogging because nothing has been happening. 
It is my fault that we did not have an IUI before last year ended.
I was the one who made excuses. 
It is my fault that I just called the doctor about it a few weeks ago.
It is my fault our next chance to even try this baby making thing is not till next month.

I was and still am terrified.

My dreams of a young, happy little family was crushed years ago. My dreams to hold a baby in my arms with my husband by my side has been crushed so many times. So many tears have been shed over this journey. I have questioned myself, my decisions, I have even questioned myself for being responsible when I was younger (really?!? yeah, I have actually wished before that I had been stupid when I was younger and got knocked up then).

I have always been a glass half full kind of girl. I always try to find the positive in things. But taking this next step for us has been so hard for me to face. I am scared out of my mind to try and fail. Trying to BD every month on time, checking temps and peeing on sticks is one thing... Things can still be left up to fate or chemistry, but trying an IUI is so much more. We are literally sticking the stuff where it goes and saying "well, if your going to do this thing, go ahead and make it work." If it doesn't work, if we fail, if my body says no, if the sperm craps out then we are facing the fact that it may never happen. If it does not work, well then it doesn't. There are only so many steps beyond IUI that are feasible.

I know a good bit of my fear comes from the fact that I know that we can not afford IVF. I know this. It may never be an option for us. Adoption may not be an option. Taking this step to IUI is a great thing if you look at it from a full glass perspective - we would taking the bull by the horns and making it happen. But in my state of mind lately, in that mostly empty cup, I know that failure means doors being shutting.

How do I keep fear from winning?

Pain

There is this ball of something cold, heavy and about the size of a softball that is sitting right below my ribcage.

It has been there almost a full week now. It grumbles like I'm hungry but I'm not. At first I thought it was heartburn. It was like I knew something was coming. I don't know if I would call it dread, but it is like I knew that sometime soon I would have pain, I would cry and feel upset. Its like my body said, "here, you can have this spot right here for all that emotion". I literally feel like I could throw up at anytime.

I think it is safe to say I might be back to blogging a bit more. If my emotions are on edge like this too much more, I will be fighting depression again.

Faith

First let me say that this is a hard blog for me to write and honestly might not be for everyone to read. I mean no offense to anyone and while I pose my question I mean no disrespect, just having a hard time getting this out the right way.


I would love to say I have faith. I really want to have faith. I really want to know with my heart that there is a higher being that we are being watched over and taken care of - I honestly do. I have so much respect for people that do.

I have been lost for quite a while.

So I want to ask this - Of you that have faith of some kind, in this IF world, how to do it? Without using scripture or feeling the pull to Save me - how do you stay faithful and strong in your beliefs? 

I am not trying to start any kind of arguments, like I said, I really want to have faith but I can never fully reach it. I have watched so many of my friends have very fulfilling faithful lives and all of them are blessed with marriages at early ages (like I wanted) and all have at least one child (obviously like I want) and instead of feeling pulled to that I only feel jealously. I feel like my pull to want to have faith is driven by my desire to have children. Like, if having faith will give me children then I'll happily just in that boat. But I know that is not the answer, I know that a selfish desire of mine is not a way to start or rekindle a relationship with God.

But on days like today, when I need to believe, when I know that I need something more, all I feel is anger, jealously and a painful sadness.

What gives you the strength to pull through the awful days?

"Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success."

- Oscar Wilde

Timing and New Things

It has been too long since my last update. I am so behind on every one's story and I really hope I have some great news to read up while catching up.

First bit of update - things are still pretty much the same (sigh!!!). I have been hiding in a hole and ignoring the situation. I have come to decide that I am hiding from the fear. After our last really long cycle I have done everything I can to not think about our situation. I am terrified to have another let down month. But this week I broke through and made a step forward. Called up the doc and made an appointment for my annual. While there I will be able to schedule our very first IUI. So April might not be our month to try but we will be getting it scheduled. Now that it is planned, I am actually getting excited for the first time in quite a while.

Second bit of update - I took a personal step for me. I signed up to be a consultant for a Thirty-One Gifts. I went to a party at a friends house and love their products.  So now the plan is to host parties and work my butt off to make a bit of money. All funds will go to our baby making funds. I hope to earn enough to pay for half of our IUI by the time it is here. In the mean time, I'll hopefully meet a few new ladies. One of the major things about Thirty-One parties is to tell people your Why. I have decided to be completely frank and honest when telling them about my Why. I hope that sharing my story I can reach out and connect and/or touch others that are around that have this struggle. I know that I will be opening up myself to judgement and possible questions from some that do not understand or agree with medically helped conception but I am willing to face this. I want to touch others and reach out more, I want to not feel alone.

Please feel free to check it all out and I would love if you would like and share my Facebook page. Hopefully I can make this work out for me and help us along our way :D

Check out the website here - Thirty-One Gifts
Like my Facebook page for 31 here - Facebook

Kiss my butt kind of Friday

Normally I try to avoid having a bitchy post on Friday’s but this morning a co worker really ticked me off.

We have bad storms coming in the area today. We knew they were coming in yesterday; the news reminded us this morning on before work. However most normal people went into work today and sent their kids to school. Unfortunately we are not able to stop everything for the weather. With that said, I do understand the fear of storms and the capacity of damage of they bring. Fear of Mother Nature is natural and smart. Respect it and your better off.

So a little while ago schools in our area announced they were closing early so for the pending storms. I have a quite a few ladies around me in the office that have children, so when I saw a posting about the closings I said it out loud for those around. The news had spread fast so it was no a surprise but my co worker that sits with me (a young-unmarried male) kidded around and said “oh then I have to leave to go get my kid”. I laughed and told him to shut up, we all know he doesn’t have kids. And it was a joke. No harm meant and the joke was just for me…..

Well another co-worker practically flew off the handle about how it was not a joke and how having kids is a responsibility and a big deal. That having to care about someone other than yourself was hard and needed to be understood. Pretty much trying to school us on the fact that we should not laugh about it and were stupid for not understanding. Then light hearted said something about taking care of her kids because they were her spawn, even if they were the spawn of the devil.

Ok, first of all, it was a flipping joke. It was not said to her or meant for her. We are not dense enough to think a bad storm coming is not a valid worry; the damn joke was based on the fact that he did have kids and tries to leave work whenever possible. It is a Friday, I would be happy to leave early too! I really just wanted to tell her to go to hell. Your ability to spawn (seriously, her word) does not give you the right to be a bitch. Does not mean you get to be rude to the others around you. There are plenty of things about her and her life I could touch upon that tick me off, but I won’t get into it b/c it is not important, but I’ll say that being ‘fussed’ at by her really pissed me off.

I’m done now, just needed to get that out.

My First Blood Test (aka I haven't cried that hard in quite a while)

Today is cycle day 42.
I have sore breast and have on and off for the last week and half.
No signs of AF anywhere.
All at home preggo tests are BFN.
Monday I called my Dr's office and the nurse said to come on in for a blood test.

I will take this time to say how much I love my Dr's Nurse. Her name is Angie and I think I'm going to send her a thank you card sometime this week. Every time I talk to someone there it is her and she is so nice. She talks to me firmly and lets me know she is not holding anything back, but she stays so nice and answers every question I have.

With the symptoms/ negative tests I just felt confused so I called up the Dr's office on Monday and they said to just come on in sometime that afternoon, no appointment needed. I took my lunch hour and went. They took me back quickly however enough time had lapsed that I began to get nervous and shake. The tech talked to me the whole time and it passed by without a hitch. I went back to work and was actually doing well. I knew there was no answer to be had yet and even though I continued to check the TP like a crazy person, all I could do was wait.

The hubby and I did not have much faith that this would really be it, but I did want to know if maybe we succeed but the implantation did not last. The way we figured, was even if the news was negative it was still a good thing if the signs said we were close. Really there was not much more to be done. We were not using OPKs or temping this month, we did not have any fertility drugs or doctor help so the idea of being pregnant this month just seems silly based on our track record. But when you get that one itty bitty little bit of hope in the door it can really mess with you.

Now on to Tuesday. I woke up ok and honestly not that worried. I kept telling myself that if this was going to happen I would have had some kind of sign on the HPT. But you know, I'm a girl (lol obviously) and my crazy emotions and fairy tale thoughts seeped in. How sweet would it be to find out we were knocked up on Valentines Day? Or wow, could we be one of those couples where it just "happens' to while we were "relaxing"?

Well as expected, the called and it was negative. Completely zero. No sign of anything at all. Not even a possible loss. I handled it well and did not cry. I took a lunch, updated the husband and enjoyed some french fries (which I had been avoiding). Then went back to work and moved on.

After getting home it felt like all the worry and thoughts just sat on my shoulder. It is a good thing we do not celebrate Vday at our house because I would have sucked at it this year. But we ignored the elephant in the room and just went on with the evening. Had dinner and watched a movie.

I rarely cry in front of my husband. I just do not like to. He tries to comfort me by making jokes and I end up stopping so he will leave me alone but then I never get it all out. So when I am really having a rough go I will (as he puts it) go and hide somewhere to cry.

While getting ready for bed I sat down with our dogs and snuggled up with them on the floor and petted them awhile. I let a few tears slip out and and felt ok. I got up and finished getting ready for bed, shut all the doors and turned off the rest of the lights in the house. As I get in bed I notice I have a text message....

the hubs had wrote -
I love you even if u are not prego

And then my whole bit resolve crashed down. He opened up his arms and held me while I bawled and sobbed my eyes out. My nose was snotty and his shirt wet and I just kept on crying. He did not joke and was just there for me. It felt good to get that out. It helped breakdown a little barrier of silence we had that day. He did not cry with me but I know the negative got to him too.

Come What May

Last summer the husband and I were on vacation and decided that it was time that we finally got tattoos together. He had six and I two but we both got our previous ones without each other. I had been looking at tons of trees and knew that was the direction I wanted to go. I found a few cute designs but was not sure where I wanted to get my next one. I was toying around with the idea of a small one on my wrist but the size it would need to be was just not something I was comfortable with. So as it turns out I ended up getting my lovely tree tat on my right foot. I just adore it and it means so much to me. 

You see this tattoo is here to remind me to be strong. To know that I can bend in the wind and handle what comes our way. I have always believed that what is meant to be will be. However our journey over the last two years has really tested this and while we may look back later on and see the full picture, right now I just can not believe that our TTC timeline is necessary. 

There are still days when I just feel empty. When the world does not make any sense and all I can see is the unfairness of it. There are days when I feel like there is no hope. The thought of looking to the future is scary and the fear of loneliness is too strong.... 

But then there are good days. When I know we will get through this. When I know that we are meant to be parents and we will someone have children in our home to teach and learn from. To love with every single bit of our beings. To stress over, to worry about, to cry over and to laugh with. To hold tight and say good night. To watch play and grow up way to fast. I know that it will happen and we can get there one day. 

So now, no matter which day I am having I know that I can handle what comes our way. 

So to this I say.....Come What May.

2012- a less than stellar start

It has been quite a long time since I have posted an update and unfortunately there is not much to catch up on.

We are still unsuccessful and again our IUI plans are being delayed for a bit longer. Still this year but not this month.

I had planned to jump back into posting again with the new year but with all the 2012 positive posts going around I am having a hard time wanting to sit down and read them. I think right now that positivity is a bit on the back burner for me. The blogging community has helped so much in the past but I just have a disconnect from my need to read others news and posts. I am also having had a hard time getting my feelings and words out (hence the major lack in posts). I think some of it has to do with my anti-D meds but somewhere deep down I think I just feel a bit broken. Like my true hope is gone and the lack of understanding how is taking over.

How are we going to make it work?
How much longer will we keep putting off the first try at an IUI?
How will we get past the fear that it will not work at all?
How much will it break us if our tries are unsuccessful?
How far is this process going to go before we get there or before we give up?

I have done a lot of hoping, wishing and praying the last few months. I have been 'relaxing' and not charting. While I am fully aware of my cycles, instead of watching them each day we are just being mindful of the best times to have "our time". Against (fertile's) unsolicited advice, are lack of technically trying has not provided the answer either. I may not agonize over symptoms or count every single day of the TWW but at the end of each cycle I still have that hope and then that overwhelming disappointment.

Some days are much better than others. Today was the end of a long and stressful week. I am glad it is over and I hope the weekend can help refresh my mind, body and mood.