A Song

It is sometimes rare to come across a song that sings directly to you.
Today this one did to me -

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
How I do
I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently

(listen to it here)

Empty Places of Waiting

Well November is here and the waiting should be over. But alas it is not.
After many talks about money and vibes - the husband and I have decided to wait until January to try our first IUI.

Some days it feels like the decision is just silly and we should just suck it up and not wait. And other days I think the fear of failing is where my bad vibes are coming from. But overall with the husband still fresh into a new job, the holiday stress approaching quickly, our schedule changes, and work getting busier - the timing just does not feel right.

One thing I have noticed is that my hope level of conception without medical help is diminishing quickly. I did not chart last month and am not right now either. I am losing the faith that maybe it could 'just happen'. I would like to say it is a fleeting feeling that will pass but I think that it is my head telling me to be smart about things.

We are quickly approaching two years of TTC and my birthday will be here soon. The time seems to be speeding by and everyone's babies are growing up. I am watching and hearing all these lovely stories that I want to experience myself but instead our extra bedroom is still just that - extra space. Just like my uterus. So for now we will have more empty places.

Positivity

It has been a while but I am still around. Things have been going well and honestly my emotional roller-coasters have slowed down quite a bit and have allowed me to rest and just be myself. I have a been a happy and busy girl.

We are still in a waiting pattern right now. The schedules from an end to summer vacation and the hubby's new job have had us out of town a bit and unsure of what each week has planned. So with that said, the calendar looks clear and we hope to have our very first IUI in November!

So if I'm going to do this blog thing today, might as well do it right and have a Positive Friday post. Here goes....

1. Today was an awesome day! My mood was great, it went fast and now it is the weekend
2. We got free pizza at work. One of our customers loves his rep and he ordered Pizza to be delivered to us today and it was soooo tasty!
3. I got some good deals this week while couponing and have really enjoyed getting myself organized and in the know with those coupons.
4. Went to a concert last night downtown and enjoyed a lovely outside show. The weather was perfecto.
5. Have another concert planned on Sunday that I can't wait for.
6. Fall network shows are back! It is crazy how much I love stupid TV. (have any of you seen any good new shows? Any duds?)
7. I have a bit of time to myself tonight because the hubby has boys night. And that means I do not have to cook dinner.
8. Tomorrow we are having a little bonfire in the drive way and some friends are coming by. I am looking forward to good friends and smores.
9. I came how today to the sweetest package in the mail. This last month I signed up on another blog to do Secret Sisters month where you get to meet other ladies dealing with IF and have a bit of support for a while. I really enjoyed it and my wonderful sweet secret lady. I loved chatting with her by email. Then today I get home and she had sent the sweetest little package with a big ol' awesome smelling cancel and holder. Both were cupcake themed (which I freakin adore) and I am just so tickled about it.

So what about each of you? What have I missed? The good and the bad, lets here it. Get it out and then end with a positive note. Start the weekend off right and remember while things are tough there are always a few good things can make you smile.

The Ups and Downs

....I've been high and I've been low.....
(sorry that is the singing in my head, its a Train song)

I have been a busy busy bee lately with life and work. However no matter how busy I get or how much I do I can still hear and feel that ticking clock in the background. My husband's birthday is coming up this week and mine is not that far away either. I know we are just waiting now to try out our first IUI and its only a matter of another month or so, but the waiting makes me feel just useless.

This last month I did not track the cycle with the monitor or sticks and just went with it. On some days I could forget about the time in the background. However I do know my body well enough now to have an idea of what is going on even when not tracking. Without the definite dates on the cycle days I did not notice how much I continued to internally hope that maybe, just maybe this cycle would be a miracle. Towards the end of it I even got hopefully enough to test but like normal it was a BFN. And then the next day the spotting showed up. I felt crushed and stupid all at the same time.

For a few days of spotting I got over the disappointment and then when AF kicked in I started worrying. (FYI, TMI) I had huge blog clots which is not normal for my cycles at all. After three days of this my mind really started to wonder if we had been successful this month but then lost it. I wonder how many ladies question this each month. Do you ever feel haunted by the wondering and loss of hope? Maybe it is this just a cycle of the hormones and AF making my mind go a little crazy.

Now that AF has passed and a new month started all I can do now is go back to hoping again and seeing how things go. I've told myself that instead of hoping for a successful cycle I am just going to chart the next two months actively and have it for the doctor when we try for the IUI. This will keep me feeling busy and active and preparing for our next step.

Giveaway Reminder

Hi Ladies!

No new updates on my end really, just waiting for AF to show up (what fun).
How are you guys doing? Anything exciting going on?

I did a book review for a book club blog on an IF/TTC book. You can see it - HERE

I also wanted to post a quick reminder on my giveaway. I can't believe there are no entries yet! Just to confirm this is not limited to the US so you can enter wherever you are. There are mutiple chances to win too so go check it out!

CLICK HERE

Pre-Seed Giveaway! _ CLOSED

*UPDATE*

The Giveaway is over and the winner was Amy (A Southern Love)!!!

thank you so much to all who entered!

I have one full size bottle of Pre-seed lubricant to giveaway to
one lucky TTC reader!

Unless you are new to the TTC world I think it is safe to say you have at least heard of the ‘Fertility-friendly’ Pre~Seed and if so you just might have tried it. My husband and I have and still use it. This is why I jumped at the chance to host a giveaway.

The hubby and I are currently TTC and have been using Pre-Seed for a while now. Over the past year we have learned that our main IF issues is less than stellar sperm. While TTC, I personally feel a bit of stress being lifted knowing we are giving his swimmers as much help as possible by using Pre-Seed.

Before the giveaway here are a few Pre-seed facts -

• Traditional lubricants harm sperm because they have the wrong pH or osmolality (ion/salt concentration) or because they have ingredients in them such as glycerol (glycerin) which is toxic to sperm, especially at body temperatures.

• Pre~Seed mimics natural body secretions to relieve vaginal dryness while providing an optimal sperm environment. Its moisture is delivered in the same pH , osmolality and viscosity (thickness) as fertile cervical mucus. Pre~Seed does not harm sperm and is less irritating to women than the leading lubricants

• Pre-Seed can be found at most drugstores these days. My local CVS and Target currently stock it. If you have trouble finding it you can also do so online. To find it closest to you click HERE.
  

On to the giveaway! Please read the following on how to enter.

In order to win you have to be a follower of Waiting For That Positive AND like Pre~Seed on Facebook . Stop by their page and let them know I sent you.
(this counts as your first entry. comment below with something like this - "I follow you and stopped by the Pre-Seed FB page")

Since I like you all so much, here are a few more ways to earn entries.
These all count as one entry each and need separate comments.

• 
  
  
  Add my button to your blog - link can be found to the right.



• 
  
  
  Go to the Pre~Seeds website and tell me one thing you've learned that I have not mentioned here.



• 
  
  
  Tweet this giveaway! Can be done once a day and you must leave a perma link! Each tweet gets 1 extra entry!



• 
  
  
  Check out one of my Positve Friday's posts and tell me something positive about your day, week or TTC journey.

Giveaway is open for ONE WEEK! And will close on August 21st at noon central time.

Positve Friday

So this will be just a quick one but a good one. I want to get back to doing my Positive Friday posts again. Things have been going well but we are just in a holding pattern right now on the baby making front. I'm not charting and just waiting until the schedule clears and we can plan an IUI (hopefully November - fingers crossed!).

A few positives for today -
-Got to leave work early today :D
Had a doctor's appointment and was able to happily tell him that I'm feeling a lot better emotional -wise and have not had any breakdowns since being in.
- Went on vacation a couple of weeks ago and have a lovely time. Even got a tattoo while there. I'll post more about it later on.
- Work is busy and I'm having a nice time training new people.
- Starting next week I get to train a lady flying in from Australia. I can not wait to get to meet her and hang out. I'll have her as a contact for at least a while and I am looking forward to getting to know her.
- I have a few family members in town that I get to see this weekend
- I've been entering in a lot of sweepstakes lately and got a full mailbox this afternoon that included a pair of jeans and a kids bike (we'll have to wait to use that one!)
- Last but not least, I'm hosting a giving away this next week. So make sure to come back!

Hope everyone is doing well and have a positive day!

Have you seen "Maybe Baby"?

Have you seen it? I'm not sure it is for everyone and I'm not sure it is a good idea when your having a rough day but I did actually enjoy it. I found myself laughing out loud to a quite a few parts and of course can relate.

This quote ticked me -
"You can't make an omelet without eggs"
(the Doc telling her she OVd and that it was good that she had)

While the movie seems to take a turn for the overall odd storyline wise I did find myself quite enjoying the beginning. There is a scene where the guy is sitting at a piano singing to his dog about having a sperm analysis test the following day. Take away the piano and you've got my husband right there, even down to the dog being a basset hound. My DH makes up songs all time and we of course have had a few great ones about the many IF related items over the last year +.

On a less light note, I really felt touched by this quote from the movie -
"The longing inside me seems to become almost physical, sort of morning sickness for the barren and unfulfilled....I don't know why it is that women feel such a deep need to create life from within themselves. Why they yearn for a time when their own flesh will bring them comfort. But I know that they do. That is an experience that which most women, women with children, miss out on in life, the intensively female grief which encompasses the fear that those children might never exist."

Still Here

I am still around just a bit more quite lately. I'm checking in every now and then to see whats up but I've missed a lot. Hopefully not anyone's good news! I have started numerous times to write a new post but found that I did not have much to say so I just waited.

Today is CD 31 of a cycle I did not watch or chart at all and am just waiting now for AF to show up. While it would be just lovely to have a crazy surprise I'm not expecting anything. And you know what? That is ok. We have some things to look forward to and so this month not being successful will not be the end of the world.

Since I last checked in not much has changed really. We are going on vacation soon and once we get back we are going to start planning and saving for that very first IUI.

After the crazy two weeks trying to get our SA results I had a bit of a breakdown. It was an emotional end of a rough couple of weeks and I got to my breaking point. I was angry one second and crying the next. So I decided that was not cool and I was going to do something about it. What I expected to be an awkward doctor's appointment turned into a really nice outlet and releasing of stress. It turns out my doctor was off that day and the normal back up was too and they had in a lady from another office. She walked in the room and I started bawling. And then she told me her story and how much she understood what I was going through. Her are her husband tried for nine years before having a child and she reassured me that having a bit of help was ok and for some people its silly not to.

So now I've got happy pills and they seem to have helped. I'm a bit more mellow when it comes to those mood swings and I am not crying at the drop of every hat. Its nice but seems to had led to a bit of a dry spell on the blog front.

Well I guess that is all for now. I've missed checking in with you ladies everyday and hope to get back to it soon.

The Results - Finally!

It took almost two weeks, multiple phone calls and two doctors but we finally got the full story on the hubby's sperm analysis. Originally when the urologist spoke to my hubby things just sounded ok. After getting my doctor's opinion I feel a whole lot better about the results.

Previous Stats -
Total count is 74 million (over 40 is good, so this number is fantastic)
Viability is 84% (over 50 is preferred)
Concentration is 17 million (should be over 20)
Mobility is 17% (should be over 50%)

Post Varicocele Repair -
Total count is 127.8 million
Viability is 91%
Concentration is 28.4 million
Mobility is 58%

Major jumps in all of these areas. It feels like an accomplishment, like our waiting has paid off. The not so great part of the results -

Morphology before surgery was 1% and after is only 2%. Apparently the normal use to be 14% but has been updated with the last year to 4%. So we are not that far away from normal but both of our doctors feel an we will still have trouble for awhile.

So the recommendations are - have another SA in about 4 months and consider IUI. Looks like our journey is taking a new turn.

Blogger - you make me angry

So I am about over Blogger not letting me comment on other blog. If you have not heard from me in a while it is not because I forgot about you. - the stupid thing just won't let me!

Only Half of an Update

CD 9

We are still playing the run around game. My husband's Urologist is by far the most frustrating office I have ever had to deal with. I honestly believe they did not like me calling and now they have put in his chart that they can only talk to him.

So the doctor called my husband on Friday to give him the SA test results. There are some improvements but things still look pretty slim. This is what my husband told me. He did not get all of the same details, for example the total count. Since he did not know what to ask for he was a bit in the dark with what they were telling him. I am still an angry ball of nerves right now since I have not heard the full bit.

They told my hubby that they would fax the details over to my OBGYN for their review as well. As of this afternoon they have yet to receive it. I am trying to stay calm and wait until my doctor has had time to see it and give her opinion. At this point I do not trust the other office and they can all go fall in a hole.

Hopefully tomorrow I can get all the details and the full story.

If My Mood Was Anymore Foul I Would Stink

CD 6

To say I’m in a bad mood right now is such an understatement it is laughable. I literately want to hiss at people if they look at me took long. Of course with today being Friday everyone is all chirpy and loud. I want to stand up so bad right now and tell everyone to shut up. I want to seriously hurt someone just to make myself feel better. I am wound up so tight right now I feel like I could break into a million pieces. I am on such a thin line between crying and screaming. Even now, while typing I’m going back and forth between angry and crying. This is just not ok. If this day does not improve I might have to ask to go home.

We have been waiting to hear the results of the last SA since Tuesday. Tuesday I called and the results were in but the nurse said the doctor was out and we had to wait. So we waited until he was back yesterday. I called yesterday morning to get the results and the nurse tells me he has not had time to look at them and that he will get to it and they will call me back that day. So I waited until almost four o’clock and call them back (mainly from fear that the closed at four) and again the answer is not yet, he has not had time. But the nurse, who btw has the personality of a ugly bug and you can hear in her voice how little she cares, says she will call back today. So we wait some more. Then at bit before five I get a call from them that hangs up as soon as I answer. Ok, so I wait another minute…..no call back, no message. Great, is that how they are going to do this? Call me back, not talk and then leave the office? I try to call back and am put on hold for nearly five minutes. The nurse sounds annoyed when she answers and tells me she called my husband and told him that the doctor had to leave early and they would have to call us in the morning. Are you freaking kidding me!?!

~Why did you call my husband when I am the one that has been calling you for the results? I honestly took that as an insult that she did not want to talk to me because I have been bothering them. And yes I do feel as though I was bothering them.

~Why, why, WHY could he not take two damn minutes to view the flipping results throughout the day, or maybe, just maybe before he left? I know it’s a urology office and most of the calls there are more than like not too urgent, but to me this one sure is. All the doctor is going to do is look at them and go “ok, you can call them now.” And the nurse will still be the one we hear from.


This morning I woke up and feel anxious and my stomach is upset. On my way into work I decide to stop at McDonalds and get a coffee drink. I do not think I would eat anything right now and maybe I can stomach just a coffee. Long story short on this part – I had a free drink coupon and the store refused it. I left with no drink and pissed off as could be. I called to ask why and the manager who denied it was hard to understand because and did not make any sense. She kept saying something about the owner and when I asked who that was her answer was Mr. MD. Yeah she said that. I would much rather her have been honest and say she could not tell me or maybe to call back later on in the day to speak to someone else. But no, the answer I got was a smart ass and just made me even madder. I called corporate and that did not get anywhere. I really did not need this kind of stupidity on top of my mood.

So now, I’m at work and waiting. I fully expect them to call my husband instead of me and I know this will upset me but I can not do anything about it. The lovely bit there is that my husband will be on the bush-hog most of the morning today and will not be able to hear his phone. So that will lead to even more waiting. The anger I have towards this is amazing and I have no where to displace these feelings. So I quietly leave the house and plan on just being quite and waiting.

I’m on the verge of crying every flipping two seconds. I just want to be alone right now and be pitiful and dwell. My hope and positivity was used up earlier this week. I actually spent most of the morning thinking about calling my doctor about considering an anti-D medication. I should be able to control these feelings more and not feel like I am about to lose it.

IF really is all about waiting, isn’t it?

CD3

I have a headache and I blame IF. Actually I blame it on stress. But lately those are one in the same. The hubby’s SA test is back but we will not be able to find anything out until Thursday. The doctor is out of the office until then and the nurse will not/can not tell me the numbers. This scares me a little because my first thought was that if it was good news she could have told us. Hopefully this is not the case but my wish to be positive and my gut feelings are fighting on this one.

On a lighter note – yesterday morning at work I got out my fully-cooked bacon from my lunch bag and go to heat it up – well the back looked like big ol’ sperm (shape wise). I laughed pretty good at that and thought well maybe it is just a funny sign.

My parents just got back form a vacation trip to Mexico and my Mom brought me home a Mayan fertility idol. I’m supposed to cover it in honey and then wash it off with only water. And I need to do this in a bucket because all the water used has to go outside. And I’m supposed to do this every 28 days until we are successful. It is supposed to line up with the days of your cycle and the moons so I don’t know if I’m supposed to start it on a certain day or not. So far I have not found much research on it online but I guess it can’t hurt to try it out.

At least it is not a scary looking thing. He looks a lot like this -

Getting To Explain Is Not Always Better

So I got called out today. Remember my bitter bird post? Well one of my coworkers asked me today what was wrong with me then. She noticed it then but didn’t say anything. Apparently she has noticed it before that I seem to change whenever kids are brought into the office and she wanted to ask me why. She knows our story and the current statuses so I was a bit surprised to have this question brought up but she is the kind of person that cares and I know she was asking from a caring place.

I explained to her about how trapped I felt being surrounded by people looking at this baby over in my cube. That I have lost my desire to pick up and love on any random baby I see. This is a trait I use to have but now I just can’t. I think it is more of a self preservation kind of thing. I can faun over baby now and cry uncontrollably later on or I can try and shut those emotions off to avoid that despair. I love the ladies I work with and completely understand the desire to show off your child that you talk about everyday but it’s really hard to face them on the days they do this. It is not that I do not want to coo and ahh at your child it’s that I can not control all the emotions that flood in afterwards.

She listened and said that while she did not fully understand the exact situation because she not go through it, she understands what I’m saying. But now I sit at my desk feeling ashamed that someone could so clearly see me being uncomfortable.

I also skipped going to my 10 year High School reunions last week for the same self preservation reasons. I was literally scared of the idea of spending a night hanging out with a bunch of people asking those three main questions – You married? Got Kids? Oh, Why Not?

I do not like the idea of living life in fear and maybe that really is all it is, but is it wrong of me to not appease everyone else to make them more comfortable and suffer for it later?

The Proof Is in the Cup

CD24

A week from now we should have an answer. Good or bad, we should know something.

Six months ago the hubby had a Varicocele repair that hopefully improved his swimmers. Before surgery our chance of conception without medical intervention was in the 2 to 3% range. Now after waiting twice as long as is necessary we went this morning and let him have fun the cup. (there really is no nice way to say that). It was a lot easier on him this time around and we both kidded around most of morning and on the way to the clinic. He was just all easy, breezy about it but I on the other hand was a freakin ball of nerves. My heart was racing, I kept having to take deep breaths and at a bit of the drive I felt nauseous. Thankfully most of that passed once we left the clinic but I’m still a bit on edge.

I am fearful that the surgery did not help and that are options are going to stay limited. I kept running figures through my head and wondering what we can really afford to do right now if this is unsuccessful. And after last week being full of really down moments I am trying to push the fears away.

So this afternoon I search for positive updates on varicocele repairs and found some good things out there. One spot said that 40% of the repairs helps and the couple’s were pregnant within 9 months. I am not sure if that number includes IUI or IVF but that’s still a pretty good amount. Even if that is inflated or wildly inaccurate I’m going to being positive and hope for the best. For the past three months I have tried to be optimist and I think I can hold out for another week. I know I can.

I know that regardless of the outcome I can handle this. I can get to the other side of this hill.

And I could not finish up this post without saying a very sweet thank you to all of the ladies that left me comments this past week. I have gone back and read many of them a few times because they really did help me pull out of the funk. It is so hard to turn to a friend that is not in this boat and have understanding, but here each of you have given me support that has made such a difference. I honestly believe that if I did not blog and have this connection I would be in a depression right now.

Bitter Bird Here

(Probably going to cuss a bit here, you’ve been warned)

Well my day was going ok. I’ve been a busy bee all week long and happy for it. Today things seem to be winding down and since I prefer a more causally Friday I’m happy for it.

However this week has not been that easy for me TTC emotional wise. Had a few rough days and really I thought I was coming out of it, but alas that has been squashed. Instead I come back from lunch to be surrounded my many a fellow coworkers swooning over someone’s toddler. Don’t get me wrong the baby if very cute and sweet but I was literally trapped in my cubicle by the crowd. I had a few items to run down to the shipping dock and only had a few minutes to get them there so I was trying to hurry up and finish those packing slips and get away. I’ve obviously working on something and have my back turned to everyone and one of my coworkers asks if I’ve seen our visitor. Why of course I have. She is at the door of my cube talking up a storm while everyone else prompts her in baby annoying baby talk. Of course I can see and here her. Might be infertile but I’m not deft and dumb. At that point I got up and ran to the printer (while having to push through the crowd of people at work – not working!) to finish my task. Thankfully from there I got to run away. But after going as slow as possible I come back and they are all still there. So next I go to the bathroom and have a bit of a cry – thankfully I was able to keep it to just a few tears and avoid a bright red face. Yet still the crowd is still freaking there. So I run to someone else’s office to chitchat and get away. It didn’t take long for the crowd to follow and people are then out in the freaking floor calling for her to walk across the room.

Ugh, I really think of work as a safe place. Kids don’t work here and unless you are knocked up I don’t have to see one. I don’t want to hide away from the world but I sure as hell don’t want to be swamped with it at work. It’s so sad, but yes my first thought is indeed - “Great you’re a fucking fertile. Glad you have the time to show it off”. (sigh) I really hate that I am not longer in the phase of wanting to see and hold every little baby I see. That use to be me but now it only causes a reminder that you have what I desire most.

So now I’m sitting at my desk stewing a bit and being a very bitter bird. So ready for this day to be over.

pushing through

I feel as those I'm losing parts of my sanity. At one point I want to think these feelings are just so strong all at once because I keep them at bay and when I let them in they are so dark. Other times I feel like I must be bi-polar.

So days I feel like I am just doing so well and then a little dark spot will happen. I'm torn between talking to others and just keeping it to myself. Even the best of friends don't know what to say. Its just a mood killer. All anyone can says is that they are sorry. I can sometimes make an awkward joke about our situation but in the end I'm the only one laughing. Even when I try to be light hearted it doesn't work.

I'm coming out of this funk but really, how far can you really crawl out of the hole before the rain comes and you slide back down....

a night of unwanted questions

do you ever feel haunted by your thoughts?
like you are your own worst enemy?
does the jealously seem too much?
how do you fight it?
at what point does this "journey" change you to a point of no return?
will i was always feel bitter?
is this happening because i am strong enough to deal with it?
is it because i am not enough?
is it just natural selection?
hope do you cope?
how do you survive feeling so broken?
how do you not become just a big shell?
why does anyone have to go through this?
what is being learned?
what is gained?

is it wrong to call this a curse?

late night.

CD 16 - no idea whats going on with OV

I like my alone time. Love it actually. But when it get late and I'm alone I tend to think more and the sadness creeps in. The fears get a bit bigger and the reality of where we are right now in this journey seems so huge. We haven't made it anywhere. We are still in the same place. I'm still not knocked up. We still have a guest room, not a baby room.

Its late and I can not help but worry that this may be all there is. We might be alone in this. We might just have each other. It scares me to think this might not be enough. Not that I feel I am lacking in the husband area by any means. I fear there is not enough in me to be like this. To have this lonely, empty feeling.

There are so many things I could be doing right now. I could be cleaning my house. I could be painting the new laundry doors. I could be cleaning the carpet.

I could be reading one of the books spilling off the bookshelves. I could but I can't. My mind will not clear enough for me to get away from my feelings and get swept away in another story.

Instead I sit in a dark room listening to my go to sad song and indeed struggling with the lonely.....

A Waiting Kind of Life

CD 12

After a few too many phone calls and figuring out crazy schedules, we finally have another SA lined up. Hopefully i'll get an OV in before then and hopefully the hubby will actually be in town. He has a lot of stuff planned the next two weeks and will be away from home more than usual. Regardless I'm not charting anything this month. I just didn't have the heart to pee on anything.

So now I'm just hanging out and seeing what happens. I'm going to do all I can not to stress over the test and what it might mean for us. I can't be upset about something that we do not know about yet.

the less positive post

CD 5

I had planned to have a nice little post today about feeling a bit better and not being upset about the not knowing. Then the day started....

It was not really a bad day overall. Some of my favorite peoples had birthdays today and work went pretty fast. However on the baby front I felt like I was getting poked with a hot poker most of the day. Sometimes I can just ignore the little things and other days those little bits annoy the heck out of me.

Almost right away I indirectly found out a fellow coworker on my team is knocked up. Her fiance and her have been engaged for a little while and the relationship has not had a good history before so one may expect the timing is really not the best. However I'm not in a place to judge who gets it and who does not, but sometimes it does sting a bit when you know history there. And actually I was not all that surprised because weeks ago I noticed two days in a row she came into the ladies room while I was there and was giving back her lunch. I asked co worker then but at the time no one knew. I had forgotten about it but I guess I was right.

I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad. I never talk to her and rarely ever see her even though she sits fairly close. But then not long after she came walking into work late, in her normal prissy sort of walking way, and walked past me. I was turning away already but involuntarily I felt myself have this awful, horrible mad sneer. Thankfully no one else saw me. Where does that come from? I don't hate her, it is not her fault I'm dealing with this and she is not. Her getting knocked up does not take away from my chances but yet I still felt a wave of pure jealously and rage take over for a mere bleep of a second. I hate that I can not control these types of emotions.

On a much nicer note - another co worker, whom I adore, knew about the pregnancy a few weeks ago. Knowing that it might upset me and worrying about my feelings she approached the girl and asked permission to share it with me early so I could be prepared and not hear it in some mass announcement. She was nicely turned down (and by all means she had ever right to and that does not upset me in the least) and asked not to tell. I am so thankful to have someone like that consider my feelings in such a heartfelt and caring way. I am really glad I have her and a few other really great ladies at work that I can really talk to.

There were more little things that got to me throughout the day but I think I'd much rather leave this at a positive point. When you remember the good things and people in it then why go on with more little things that do not matter....

Calling doctors….

I’m on the verge of tears again and just lost about what to do. I am scared to start this part of the journey and the amount of money this might incur. I am scared to know that the answer is not final and the outcome is just a bunch of statistics.

I’ve had to call around to our doctors today a few different times to get a new SA test requested. My doc (gyno) told me that since they have referred us once already that we have to go the clinic for further help because they are not a fertility office. I also called my hubby’s doctor (urologist) yesterday and they told me to call mine. So after striking out today I called the clinic directly. She told me straight up to call our doctors back again because if we have to get set up there as a new patient. New patient costs will be right at $1,000 for the initial consult (not including a new SA) and they do not take our insurance. And of course lovely insurance will not cover any of it. I hung up the phone with this really sweet lady and sat right there in my office conference room and cried away. Sitting there crying I feel like we are right back at the beginning being told there is little or now hope.


Thankfully I called hubby’s doctor back again and they will request the test for us. Thankfully for now I can hold on to a little bit of hope before going forward.

I have to admit my fear level is just really high now. If this test does not show improvement I know our next step will have to be with the clinic and costs will begin being out of pocket. I am scared to embark on possibility we might have to try IUIs or IVF.

As my husband would say – “I’m Out, Sprout”

CD2

Well the little stick guys worked hard this last week or so, but alas they did were not able to fulfill a better purpose.

First let me say how nice everyone was over the weekend. I've gotten some really lovely comments wish us luck and holding out hope. It really is nice to have a little cheering crowd and to know I am doing the same for so many others.

I started spotting on Saturday (CD 40) and yesterday the full wave kicked in. A bit of TMI here but this is like the heaviest flow I have had in a very long time and very clotty. (*blush* - well, hello there ICLW visitors). This kind of AF really makes me nervous – like was this cycle almost successful? Was my body trying to do its thing but gave up too quickly? Could there have been implantation and then failure?

This cycle has really been a doozy for me. I’ve not been stressed and really I’ve tried to be all positive but it was the longest cycle yet and just left me confused. I don’t feel like Clomid did anything and I’m not even sure I OVed. I didn’t have the hotflashes that normally kicks in with Clomid. I did not have any crazy symptoms but he last week or so I had did odd pulling and slight cramping feelings across my belly. In all honesty I thought there was a really good chance we had beaten the odds. Guess not this time.

So now its time to move on.

I feel like we have to get some more answers now. I am scared to know but I think its time.
So today I’m going to start calling around and schedule another swimmer test.

Come on Universe.

Hi Universe. It’s me. I’m just writing to you today to request something small. Really its nothing to big and I know you can handle it. You see I have this friend…he’s a little guy that has a bad lot in life. He only has one job and it’s not a fun job. But when he does it right it could mean the world to someone else. So Universe I’m asking you to help him out. Let me explain -

He gets to hang out in a small cramped space for most of his days. When he is called up to duty the poor guy’s role is simply to get peed on. Now no one likes to get peed on (well at least not most normal people that is) so if he has to go through this why not giving him the satisfaction of producing two lines? One extra line is not a big deal. It’s not even that much effort. Just one more little spot of color lined up in a row.

So Universe, if you could just consider helping this guy out that would be great. Sometimes we all need a little extra help to fulfill our potential.

Thank you very much,
Me

A Good Friday

So last night, while cooking dinner, my husband looks at me and says….”So, are we pregnant?”

I think I died a little inside telling him that I’m not sure but right now I don’t think so. This was only the second time he has ever asked this. Not only did he observe our timeline enough to wonder but he also included “WE” in that small sentence. To me this meant so much. And after telling him no he visibly got frustrated and said we’ll then we are going to get tested again next month. Another small, wonderful, bonding victory.

I know a lot of you out there have spouses that are very supportive in different kind of ways but in our house we have not really broached the subject much during testing time. He doesn’t ask and I don’t tell. Actually I hide the tests I take. I do this mainly because I do not want him to see my spazing out with the amount of tests I take and also because I would prefer to not have to acknowledge the result. I figured if I have to say out loud that it is negative then I’m making it more true. Reading the test and saying it my head is not as bad. Even typing it out is easier, but saying it out loud just feels wrong. I’m working on this but for now I think I’ll still keep a hold of them.

Ok, so now lets move on to less deep conversation. Today is Friday and I’m going to be Positive. I am going to be happy today and have hope.

1. I’ve been so crazy running around that I’ve missed on reading most of the blogs I follow and my leaving comments skills have really been lacking. But I’m going to get back on the ball. So my plan is to spend some nice computer time this weekend catching up, checking in and saying hi!

2. I got an email yesterday from the TTC/Pregnancy study I enrolled in before reminding me that I can still be considered for the study and to let me know my latest updates. I’m hoping this is just a really good case of timing and luck. Maybe its just a good sign.

3. I got my very first pair of cowboy boots. Very excited about them and hopefully I can get them worn in soon. I apparently have one foot that is fatter than the other so it might take a bit for them to fit just right.

4. Today has been a little less crazy at work so I’ve actually had time to listen to my Ipod and all my new downloads.

5. I finished a really great (and really long) audio book yesterday – Brisingr (http://www.amazon.com/Brisingr-Inheritance-Cycle-Christopher-Paolini/dp/0375826742/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1305911773&sr=8-11) and that the next book will be coming out later this year. EEEK – love this series. Just a fun little getaway.

6. AF is still not here yet! So I’m still in it! If you have a little extra, share a little hope :O)

7. Today work was nice and fun. I had a great lunch out with my bestie and had some good laughs to finish up the day.

8. My hubby will be home this weekend. It will be nice to have just some us hanging out time. And if the weather holds out we might go to the local Renaissance Festival.


Tell me, how about you? What is positive in your day today or in your plans? Do you have any weekend goals?

Whats Goin On?

CD 38

Just a lovely little update. Today was the same as yesterday, no signs of AF and still getting BFN when testing. I even used a different test this morning.
So now I think I will wait out the weekend, test Sunday and if the results are still the same call my doc first thing Monday morning.

My only concern is that I have had small little twinges on the right side. These have not been painful but have felt different than gas or AF cramps. Part of me is terrified this might be ectopic and the other half is just saying AF is late.

I really wish I knew what was going on.

This not knowing when OV happened blows.

Today is CD36. Four tests so far this cycle the last being two days ago with a BFN. My longest cycle ever has been 40 days and that was while I was possible still weaning off the pill. My longest cycle with Clomid was 36 days with spotting starting on CD 35 and 36, full blown AF on CD 37.

I sit here now wondering when should I try to test again. If I had used an expensive test on Sunday, would I have had a different result? Oddly I still do not have my hopes up. I do not have a feeling its over but just confused. For the last day or so I’ve had a few twinges of cramp like things. Not AF feeling but more like an OV tightness. Does this mean anything at all? My CM has been watery looking for like the last week.

Thoughts?

Growing

Lately I have noticed that people are speaking a bit more openly to me about their own children, plans to have them or when they plan to have another. I am torn between being happy that they are not scared to talk to me about these things as much now and the desire to instantly put up my guard and request a subject change. I voluntarily brought up our struggles to an outsider while explaining something else and I survived it without tears.

I know for a while it was (and sometimes still can be) hard to be around me when I am in an emotional valley, but in the beginning anything and everything hurt my feelings. I lashed out and took offense so easily. The mere mention of their own children or plans to have them made me want to scream and complain that they do not know how lucky they are. My fears crept in and made me bitter and overly sad. My jealously made me angry that they not consider completely cutting out any children talk. Talking about what their kids would be for Halloween or what they planned to get them for Christmas would quietly bring me to tears at my work desk. I felt as though I was always hiding my feelings. It is so hard to have IF there all the time. To have this dark cloud always hovering and everyone else not notice it. I was finding myself angry at those closest to me. I was finding reasons to get mad and would get upset that everyone did not consider how their everyday words could be so hurtful to me.

But lately I have found myself in a different kind of emotional place. This evening I am looking inward and saying that I am a bit proud of myself. I think I have gotten over the biggest hump of acknowledgment or maybe even a little bit of acceptance. I have realized that it is ok to still have IF and TTC on my mind all the time but still be able to function daily without breaking down. There was a time when I cried almost daily. That the mere mention of someones children or their plans to do kid things that next day would break me down. But tonight has been the first cry I have had in weeks. And this cry is not one of sadness but instead filled with a little bit of joy and hope.

I have really great support systems around me and in the beginning I could not recognize this. Even more those relationships and the level of support has grown. I have learned more and my goals feel less desperate. My husband and I are on better ground. We have taken in this challenge and are able to walk closer together because of it.

I know that I will still have bad days. I will still question myself and ask why. My hopes and dreams of having a family will be always be there but I think I can cope with the wait a little bit easier now.

I am still waiting for that positive but in the mean time being positive makes the wait possible.

Just read that...

Research shows that the sweet smell of grapefruit makes you feel more optimistic.....
.....I think I'm going to head out to the grocery now, I hear they have a great produce sections.

Another Friday Gone By

CD 32

So yesterday morning I tested…BFN. Oh great. I skipped it this morning. I am hoping I can hold out until Sunday.

Still no AF or spotting. Symptom wise – I was very tired last night and went to bed like two hours early and woke up still feeling sleepy. I felt a little upset to my stomach yesterday morning and at lunch I was shaking a bit and felt woozy getting out of the car. I’ve had some small twinges that may be cramps coming on but normally I do not get them until I AF is going strong. I guess this is where I say “at least I’m not out yet!”

I have been pretty bad about blogging lately. Things have gotten so busy at work and outside activities that I just feel plain tired by the time I get home. This evening the hubby is out so I have plenty of time to catch up.

Since it is Friday I'll do my catching up via positives (because while everything has been busy its been pretty great).

1. I took a long weekend trip up to IL with my Mom and sister over Mother's Day weekend. Besides a rocky drive up there, which I am not going to get into here, the trip was wonderful and awesome and so much fun. Long story short, one of my cousin's is a country singer and he got signed this year. His album was scheduled to come out last week and we drove up to visit family and go to his album release concert/party. Well due to the floods in AL the CD was not ready yet so I won't bore you with a lot of link and suggestions to check it out (just yet) but I will say that the concert was wonderful and we are just so darn proud of him. He is great and I have not stopped singing his songs since leaving.

2. It was so wonderful to meet and see family I have not seen in ages. Truthfully most were introductions but boy I have to say, I think I have a cool family. If my cousin's music takes off then there is a really good chance most of that family will move down here to TN (the country music capital!) and then we get to see them all the time. For now I'll just miss them and catch up on FB :)

3. Two great artist's put out CD's this week. One I was really, really looking forward too and the other was unexpected but tickled my fancy when I saw the review in a magazine. If your interested they were - lovestrong. by Christina Perri (whom I love and have posted a few of her links before, remember the awesomeness that is The Lonely?) and the other is When you Grow Up by Priscilla Ahn. The two artists are very different but I love them both.

4. I have it on my schedule to watch both Black Swan and Blue Valentine this evening. I think it might be an emotional evening. It is raining here and the water is pinging off our our skylights. I think its a perfect setting for a good movie night.

5. At work I have been working on our annual fund-raising campaign for a local charity organization. Our company does the largest push in the state I believe. I am a big party planner and love to be involved so this was right up my alley. Well we have been scheduling and planning things for the last few weeks and now we are putting everything into action now. I am really excited to see how it is all going and how nice some people have been about it. Today we had an event outside that myself and another girl planned for our team of 40. We are raising awareness about one of the places in particular and it has to do with kids. So our idea was to have a fun/field day outside with a few games. We had a great turnout and it was tons of fun. It is not too often you get to see a couple of your bosses running across the parking lot with an egg on a wooden spoon!

6. And last but not least, I am calling on you my fellow bloggers to click on a little link for me -

http://www.lelastree.com/

This is about a book a really good friend of my wrote and illustrated. He wanted to do a book in tribute to his daughter (who is just freaking precious and I call myself her Aunt) and during the process of this idea decided to take his idea and help someone else. Another family of our is adopting a child and trying to raise money to cover the costs. All proceeds of this book will go towards the adoption fees. I try not to advertise much on my blog and have refrained from using the blogger ads so I hope you will not be annoyed that I'm mentioning this now. It is a cause close to my heart and I person think the book is very sweet.

So my friends, there you have. I have caught up on reading your blogs. I am hanging out waiting on AF to show up but until then, please go and spread the positive vibes. Tell me something positive about your day, even if it is just itty bitty!

Wishing and wondering, hoping and praying…..

CD 30

I feel a little lost today. I have no idea what DPO it is and if O even happened this month. I tested on Tuesday (BFN, of course) but not today. I am scared to hope and scared of AF showing up. This cycle is really make or break for us. If it’s another failed cycle then we will go back in for testing. I do not want to face disappointment and am trying to keep the fears away but I just do not know if a new SA will have any improvements.

Work has kept me very busy and helped me keep away most of the nagging thoughts and worries but not all of them. I am also still a bit sad from the weekend and Mother’s day. I feel like each time a holiday rolls around I get a bit more sad. That is just one more event or day I am missing out by not being a mom. Yes it was very nice to have spend that time with my own Mother but that sadness still lingered in the background.

Honestly I am not overly sad today thought it might sound like it. I think I am just floating instead. This space of limbo between average cycle days and max cycle days seems too long. I desperately want to test but do not want to see another blank box and only one line.

Well Ok, So Where Was I Again

CD 25, 7ish DPO

Oh my, now this has been a crazy week. Nothing too exciting TTC wise just in general. My blogger feed is messed up right now and will not show me other blogs so I feel in the dark about what is going on with everyone else.

I am also in the dark about my cycle this week. I never did hit a peak day on my monitor so I am guesstimating that OV was on CD 18 and I am 7 DPO. I had positive readings for four more days after that but I am guessing that the Peak day would have it on the one day the test messed up. My ovaries felt a little swollen and right for the picking so I'm going with that.

However in the mean time I have been wondering if the Clomid messed with my cycle and I didn't OV at all this month. This has never happened before but there could be odder things then that.

Work has been awesomely busy and this week I have had two 11 hour days. But now I'm off for a long weekend so they will have to do without me. I am taking a family trip up to IL with my Mom and Sister to see a cousin of ours that is having an album release party/concert. Then we get to see family we don't see but every few years. I'm hoping the trip up there doesn't drag but I guess we'll see.

So with that I'll have to leave you and wish all of you sticky beans, happy hearts and positive thoughts. I've got to go pack!

(oh and I'll be missing Positive Friday since I am not cool and do not have a smart phone...so please spread the positivity and share a little here with me!)

CBEFM – you have let me down!

CD 18 ….2WW?

Well I’m a bit lost right now. I’ve had 9 days of high readings on my CBEFM and so far no peaks. However yesterday I could tell the test strip malfunctioned and it showed a blurry mess. By reviewing my other stuff (CM and swollen ovaries) I am pretty sure my OV peak day would have been yesterday but I hate not knowing for sure. So I think I’m now on the 2WW.

Aside from that issue all has been pretty great this week. I’ve been busy as a bee and it went by so fast. So now its Positive Friday Time! Here are just a few things I’m happy to look back on, be excited for or just be glad about now -

1. Got to see Water for Elephants earlier this week and loved it! I am so glad they did a good job and did the story justice. Had a pretty fun night out with the girls as well.

2. I totally forgot to mention last week how freaking awesome it was to see a small private concert over at one of our local radio stations. Christina Perri came to down before starting her first tour and had a little meet and greet. You had to win your way in and I luckily got through to get tickets. It was so awesome and I just love her music. The CD comes out in less than two weeks and I’m about to burst!

3. Our goats are really coming out personality wise. (have I even mentioned we have two little fainting goats?) Last night they were playing on our porch with the dogs. Jumping up and down off while the dogs chanced them all over the place. They put on quite a cute show.

4. I’m busy at work and loving it!!!!

5. The husband and I had a wonderful week. We normally have great weeks but this week we were on the same page the whole time. He has been very sweet and just overall wonderful.

6. I am so behind on reading everyone's blogs and I'm looking forward to catching up tomorrow morning with a big cup of coffee

7. We are safe. My family, neighbors and coworkers are all safe. There were some awful storms in the southeast (USA) this week and I am just so grateful that our area was not drastically damaged. It was just a year ago that we had a major flood and we are still not recovered from that. So I am so grateful to have a home today and to have my family safe. I hope if any of my fellow bloggers have family or live in the AL areas that were hit that you are all ok. My heart just goes out to those many families that lost loved ones.

Well that is all I have for now. I hope each of you have a great weekend ahead of you planned and can think of a positive thing or two as well.

Come on OV

CD 16

So today is day 7 of getting a high reading on my CBEFM. You know I think that gadget was created by a man. Who needs five days of high readings? I just want to know when to do it!

And while I'm on that topic. Instead of seeing this boring image on a peak day.....
I want that window to show me something more exciting like a cartoon or some hot twilight picture or something!

Just Running Behind

CD 14
High reading

Has it really been a week since my last post? Sorry to be a slacker. Not much is going on here I’m just waiting on OV.

Work has finally picked up and I’m so glad. There are more things to do and day is not filled with all thoughts of babies. I have a lot of projects I am working on and a fundraising event that is coming up soon too. With more busy also comes more drama. I will not get into it here but lets just say that working in an office full of women can really suck sometimes.

My hot flashes from Clomid this month have been the worst yet. If this is what Menopause will be like then I am so not excited! I am not happy gal when I get hot and the idea of sweating grosses me out. I am pretty OV will be tomorrow so that will help with them as well. Every time a hot flash emerges I just keep telling myself that it is so worth it and I can do it!

I’m being hopeful again this month. All we can do is Try so that’s all I am allowing myself to do. No obsessing, no crying (it at all possible), no ‘what if’ statements, no other plans – just to do our best, time things as best as possible and just Try.

Just Am

I am sitting in a bit of on odd place today.

The day is going well and I am not in a bad mood

but at the same time I’m feeling a little low.

I think my heart just feels a little heavy today.
…the unknowing,,,
the unfilled wanting….
…..the waiting…..
…the whys….
Just feeling a little weighted down.

Positive Friday and Giveaway Winners

Well another week has come and gone. This week was really long and pretty crazy but finally it is the weekend!

I really enjoyed the last few days so I will sum them up here with Friday's Positives -

1. We have survived the last few weeks of crazy storms, including Monday when we got stuck in traffic during a major lightning storm. When I say major I mean that ever struck hit the ground and I felt like we were in the opening scenes of War of the Worlds!
2. Did you see my last post? I hit 70 followers. I'm just beaming over that
3. My husband is finally feeling better. He was a sick pup all week long and we think he had the flu.
4. Yesterday we had an author signing at work and I got to meet a literary legend - Jean Auel. She wrote the Earth Children series that started with Clan of the Cave Bears. My grandmother introduced me to first book when I was 13 and that book was one of major reasons I read so much today. This series has taken 30 years to complete and the last book came out this month. I'm sad that there will be no more but so glad to get to read the end of the story.

5. And finally the winners were picked by random.org -

Earrings go to comment #1 - Summastarlet

Ovulation sticks go to comment #7 - Annabelle

(If you have extra time, go visit Anabelle - she got less than stellar news today and could really use some sweet words)

Like always, please share a little positivity before you go. Tell me a thing or two you are happy about or looking forward to this weekend.

Wow!

Holy Freakin' Cow!

I just reach 70 followers. It was not that long ago when I thought I was awesome stuff for having like 10 followers. I sure do love my wonderful bloggie buddies. You guys rock!

If you have not already, make sure to enter my little giveway, over -> here

Keeping the Door Open with all Possibilities

CD 1

Well I think its time to call it. I had spotting and a negative test yesterday and today AF if rolling in. I am a little sad - I really did have a lot of hope this cycle. I was feeling good, thought I had symptoms and had probably the best positive attitude I've had this whole year.

But alas all is not lost. That is just one month down and we can try again this month. Part of my optimism right not is being funneled through some different kind of outlets. I know there are a lot of things people believe in. Some people turn to religion, some to a more naturalistic approach, some believe in everything. I guess I would say I'm more around the last part. I have a rocky belief system right now (and have for years) when it comes to religion but I still believe. I still have faith. I also believe you can look elsewhere for advice, understanding or just plain hope.

A good friend of mine has the ability see Auras and I fully believe she can. This isn't something she broadcasts but so sweetly shared this with me a year or so ago. The first time she 'saw' my colors I was a purple with a green block. She told me she saw clear tubes but was not sure what the blockage was. At the time we did not know about the hubby's varicocele.

Well last week I asked her to 'read' me again (first time since the surgery) and she said i was Orange - ORANGE AURA COLOR: Relates to reproductive organs and emotions. The color of vitality, vigor, good health and excitement. Lots of energy and stamina, creative, productive, adventurous, courageous, outgoing social nature; currently experiencing stress related to appetites and addictions.

This gave me a nice little boast to get through the last few days of my 2WW. Not only was there no longer a block but orange relates to reproductive organs! I must say I felt very fertile this cycle. I think that 10mg of Clomid really bumped things up. Also, a few weeks ago I was in a low spot and figured just for the heck of it I would get a baby reading. I had seen a link to Cheri's site before but had not gone as far ask for a reading. Well that day I did and my reading finished this weekend.

Here is a little bit of it - They show a Girl and they relate her to APRIL so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in. They are showing me something linked to the 16-23, so not sure if you can look ahead and see if this would be linked to either your testing or ovulation?

There were a lot more details she included but this was the main part I was looking for. So April is not over yet and I'm not counting it out. Maybe, just maybe I'll get myself knocked up this month!

Water

CD 29 - 12 DPO

This past weekend was pretty busy and went by fast. The hubby unfortunately was not home because he had to work at a weekend sales show. Once he got home last night we sat down and caught up on how the last few days had gone . Well it only took a few minutes and he got all exciteable and told me he brought me a present home. He makes me get up and come in the kitchen where he proceeds to open the fridge and hands me this full water bottle with a big cheesy grin on his face.

Now this girl right here loves presents so this is always a good way to win me over but I am pretty sure I had a very odd look on my face after giving me this water bottle. Then he says -"Everyone girl I saw this weekend was Knocked Up so I figured it must be in the water. So I brought you some."

His sweet little butt brought me home one of the best presents ever. I just love that man.

P.S. if you missed I have a small giveaway open until Friday -here

The Tragic Tale of POAS

CD 27 - 10 DPO

It is that time again - that almost to the end of that limbo place. That regardless of what the internet says maybe for me a test will be positive a few days before AF is due thinking. The time when the 'oh what will one little test hurt' thinking? Surely I am not alone in thinking that if I was knocked up the test would be positive a few days early anyways, right? Oh wait, that's not how it works? Then why do I continue to have that in my head each month.....

Step 1 - agonize over the FF chart multiple times to plan when a good time to test will be
Step 2 - completely ignore the rational through process used in previous step
Step 3 - take inventory of the tests you have in hand and determine how many you can spare for just one or maybe two early test days
Step 4 - go buy more because if your going to do two early tests, why not three?
Step 5 - look yourself in the mirror and say "You are strong, you do not need to test early!"
Step 6 - test early
Step 7 - stare at test strip the whole time it develops
Step 8 - watch the very fast negative result and with your awesome will power make it turn positive
Step 9 - acknowledge that your mind powers suck
Step 10 - throw away the test, sigh and continue on with your day
Step 11 - ten minutes later, grab the test out of the trash can and look at it under natural light to make sure there is not a very, very faint line
Step 12 - repeat the previous step multiple times during the next hour
Step 13 - remind yourself that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome
Step 14 - acknowledge that you are insane and check it just one more time
Step 15 - do it all again tomorrow

If you could not tell by now I caved this morning and stupidly wasted a test. The tragic part is that this is a pretty truthful outline for each month.

To use a positive spin, I'm still not out.

Positive Friday Giveaway

CD 26 - 9 DPO

Shaking things up this week for Positive Friday. I mentioned a little while back that I planned to do a small giveaway when I reached 50 followers. Well I got there and blew past it! I love my blogger friends so much and how much you have all inspired and supported me. So as my little thank you I have two things to offer to you ladies.

First is this precious little pair of bird earrings. They are just dainty and adorable!

Second I have a pack of Ovulation Strips that most all of us use -

So I guess your now interested to know how you could win? Well since there are two prizes I'm giving you two chances to enter.

#1 - Tell me what you like about my blog and what would you like to see more of. Or do you have any suggestions? Do you have a favoriate post i've done before?

#2 - Since today is Positive Friday I want you guys to share the Positive Vibes. Crete your own Positve post and link back to this giveaway. Encourage others to think of at least one thing positive about their day. (if you need an example- check here or here) You can call the post whatever you want and it does not have to be long just positive.

Please only comment once for each option (two entries only per person/blog). Make sure I have a way of contacting you. This is open to all of my followers, local and international. If your email is not listed please include it in your comment. I will announce a winner next Friday.

A New Song

CD 25 - 8 DPO

Quitely making it through this 2WW and doing my best to be hopeful and have positive throughts. No real sympotoms but you just never know.

I have mentioned Christina Perri before because I just love her voice, sound and the pure emotion she puts in her music. Yet again she has given me a song I can fully connect to. I know it was written from a place of heartache about a relationship but to me it speaks to so much more and could really be an IF song. The loneliness is one of the major parts of this struggle we are all dealing with. That empty feeling of being alone in our journey really does take over sometime. I cried the first time I heard it.

(here is the link if you can not see the video here)

Hope During the 2WW

CD 22 - 5 DPO

I purchased this necklace last week because it really stood out to me. I think Hope can stand for so many things. We have done all we can this cycle and now all that is left is to be positive and hopeful. So I plan to wear my new necklace everyday this 2WW as an open expression of what I am hoping for. Who knows it might even bring good vibes, it might be just what I need and then it again it might just be a piece of jewelry but what it stands for is so much more. I hope that this month is our month. I hope this month is your month. And I hope we can get through this day, week, month, year with as much hope as we can handle.

April Fools, Positive Day and All Things Inbetween

CD 20 - 3 DPO

I had a nice little post planned for Friday but things just got busy and I ran out of time to finish it. So just pretend that today is April Fools Day for this first part.....

We had a few cute little pranks at work today but I am not a big prankster so I did not plan or try anything. Boring, I know! But I can say this, I am myself an April Fool's joke (AFJ). You see my parents were only married about a year when my Dad called up his mother in law to tell her that my Mom was knocked up. She freaked out about how soon it was and did they have the money and would they be ok...etc. Well then he clued her in that it was just an AFJ. Few laughs later and they just moved on. Then about two weeks later my Mom of course found out that she was indeed expecting. So I am my Dad's AFJ and he has never played another joke again. Oh how I wish that joke would work now.....

Things were pretty interesting on the TV front with new IF stuff. If you watch Grey's Anatomy or Parenthood you know what I am talking about. I must say that while I cried extra hard while watching both of these shows I was so happy to see IF and the struggles on primetime. I hope they do not turn away from these story lines too quickly.

Positive Weekend!

Ok I'll make this short and sweet. Here are a few small things I'm positive about -

1. Today we worked really hard out in the yard to set up flower beds for my grandmother's birthday. She loves flowers and playing in the yard so of course she loved it.

2. I get to back a cake this weekend.

3. My couponing venture is going well so far. I saved over 50% on a trip to Walgreen's this week and got a few other deals. I also got a printer and hopefully I can get it hooked up soon to get even more savings.

4. Work is picking up and I am so glad to have more to do :)

5. I'm already a few days into the 2WW. There is nothing more I can do now but just hope.

And last a quick symptoms note. I'm not sure if it is a side affect from the Clomid or a symptoms but my boobs have been sore as heck since OV!

Hope you all have a lovely weekend!

OV Day

CD17 I just love getting a peak day! It just feels so empowering. Hope the little swimmers don't "fork" it up!

Holy Ovaries Batman!

Wow. I’m feeling those ovaries today! I can feel them when I get up, cough and especially when I sit down. Oh empty happy uterus, please bless us this month with happy ovaries, good stuff and all the fun action!

Positive Friday

CD 12
high reading

Happy Friday All! (or Saturday morning to some of you)

If you are new to my blog, I like to do a Positive Friday post. I am a positive thinking person and believe that if you can be positive you can bring yourself positive things. So to start my weekend off right I like to list a few things that made me happy or I am positive about. Big or small I think its good to remember that there are happy things going on while struggling to get to that really big happy place.

here goes....

1. I am almost at 49 followers. I think its time I do a little giveaway when I hit 50!
2. I’m feeling better and the husband does too. Always nice to get over being sick.
3. I won something from a local radio station earlier on this week. And it’s a good prize - $200 and McDonald coffee drinks for a year! Totally awesome win.
4. I’m learning to coupon and learning anything new is always fun for me. Any suggestions on websites to use or people to follow?
5. I got my haircut last weekend and was really not happy with. Well I called up my awesome hairdresser and she had me come in yesterday to fix it up. Now it looks great and I’m uber happy with it.
6. I'm having hot flashes like crazy! So i'm going to say hooray because hopefully that means Clomid is doing it job.
7. Today was the first day of High on my CBEFM.
8. My sister has had a few really good things happen for her this last week or so - a new scholarship and an internship for this summer. I'm happy and proud of her and glad she got both of these.
9. I am looking forward to a nice quite weekend without a lot of plans
10. I have already found some great new blogs to follow and some of my older ones have gotten their BFPs this week! Congrats to all of them.


Thank you for stopping by and I wish you a lovely weekend. Before you go I encourage you to think of a few good things for yourself and if you feel like it have your own Positive post or just tell me a thing or two your happy about.

Dreaming

CD11

I had a dream the other day about taking POAS and got like five positive tests. I have had these types of dreams before but this one was very clear and seemed more "real". It was nice to wake up thinking about it and how this will be us one day. We will get there.

My attitude lately has also been a little different. The things that normally get to me still do but the feelings seem to be more fleeting and sting less. I know this will probably not last but for now I like the better attitude.

Just Moving Along

CD 9

Last week was a busy one! Thursday was a pretty full day at work and it kept me busy on Friday too. I missed my positive Friday post (oops) but I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and had some positivity. I also want to send out a quick congrats to Elphaba for getting her BFPositive! Oh and I just saw AP got her's too!.

If your visiting for the first time (hello to all ICLW visitors!) our story is in a year in the making and we're doing all we can. We found out last year we had male infertility issues and we are waiting to see if the corrective surgery helped. For more details I have a time line over to the side with links -------------------->

Today I am home sick and feeling pretty yucky. I started feeling a bit off last week and it settled in over the weekend. I missed work yesterday as well and hopefully I can get back on the go tomorrow. So I am going to keep this one short and try and get some rest.

What a Wee Great Day

This is my favorite holiday. Hands down.

Instead of going to bed I am currently up watching QVC (a home shopping TV channel) that does a 24 hour all Irish day. They have true Irish items and the people that made them on as well as some music and so many freaking items I want to buy! I will try to refrain from buying anything and instead just enjoy listening to them talk.

Today is also the hubby and I's "Us" Day. We got engaged on St. Patrick's Day and since our anniversary is in February we skip Valentines today and instead celebrate today. So tonight we'll go out to dinner and have a nice little time together.

If you are a bit down and out this month, go get a green beer or two and forget the worries you have at least just for today. If you are wishing and hoping I hope you get a little extra Irish luck this cycle!

So I will leave you with this -

May your blessings outnumber
The Shamrocks that grow
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.

Wordless Wednesday

(sadly this is the best I have to offer today, but it makes me laugh)

Oh and I won a signature from Cutesie Blog Degisn playing a comment game the order day

and here it is.....

Lets Try This Again

CD 2(ish)

Well the weekend did not produce a positive result. It was not a bad one, it just didn't include all that I was hoping for. I started spotting on Sunday and AF finally kicked in full gear today. But such is life when you're living it in cycles.

I decided this last month that I wanted to give it another try with Clomid and blindly have faith that the hubby's "stuff" is better. It honestly surprises me to know how desperate I was last year to find out what was wrong and now I am in a place of fear to know the truth and holding on to just hope instead.

So on Monday I called my Dr's office and asked to speak to a nurse about trying Clomid again. They never called me back but instead called in a RX to the pharmacy. Not only did they call it in without telling me but they called it in for 10MG and two refills.

So here we go again!

According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, up to 45 percent of women receiving Clomid will become pregnant after six cycles.

I also have a friend that has a "color sense" and said she saw a really good white light color when I mentioned taking Clomid. And I'll take all the good signs I can get!

Now I'll calling upon the nice peeps that do statistics and good lights to kindly ask that you consider me for the good side of things this go around.....

What if

Do you ever wonder - what if....

What if the surgery did not work?
What if he needs another one?
What if its time to see an RE?
Will we have the money for that?
Can we prepare ourselves to not focus on saving money but spending it on tests and procedures?
What if we do and it doesn't work?

What if our only option is adoption?
Will we even be eligible?
Will we have to move and have a better house?
Will we have to make more money?
What if we just get denied?

What if this never happens for us?
Will I be able to see others with children and not feel depressed?
Will I really be OK with a life that does not include children?
Would it affect my attitude on life?
Would it affect our marriage?
Will the world just stop?
Will there be joy in things?


What do you do when your one dream in life seems unreachable?

And into the Weekend

CD 30 - 10 DPO

Well folks it is indeed Friday again and I'm not complaining! I have done a lot better this week with catching up on your blogs and am so glad to see some of you are making progress and others are trying to be positive about things. I really truly believe being positive will get you further.

So with that said, here are few positives to start the weekend off right -

1. Someone (and I have no idea who) got my Starbucks this morning and left it at my desk. I came in to work to have a lovely treat.

2. I got a new Wii game I plan to play the heck out of this weekend :) - Epic Mickey

3. I got to spend sometime this week planning a work potluck for St. Patrick's Day. Sometimes I really wonder why I never ending up being a party planner....maybe one day.....

4. Next week we will have St. Patrick's Day! This is by far my most favorite holiday. I know it is silly but I love absolutely everything Irish. I have been listening to Irish audio books for weeks now.

5. We got invited to a hockey game next week so I'm excited about that too.

6. Tomorrow night is girls night out with some pretty awesome co-workers. We will be doing painting with a twist. Its pretty much a painting class that you can bring wine. Unless AF decides to show up I'll be a sober gal.

7. I have had some great music to listen to this week. I just got in a grove and listed to the same three guys over and over.

8. My ipod is on its last leg so I finally broke down and got a new one on Ebay. Now I'll get to listen to that awesome music on the new one very soon.

9 . If there are not signs of AF I plan to test on Sunday. Wish me luck!

10. And last but certainly not least - I feel like a very lucky girl. My family is safe, my home is safe and we are not experiencing any bad mother-nature issues today. My heart goes out to yet another country dealing with water and land issues. I know there will be a lot of time, money and care needed to help put Japan back together and to help those families who are dealing with losses. My heart goes out to all of them and anyone here that has loved ones in that area.

I hope you will have a few good thoughts for today and please feel free to share them here with me! Take care and have a lovely weekend!

Randoms

CD29, 9DPO

I think today will just be a collection of random….

I have been pretty irritable lately. Normally this kicks in a day or two before AF shows up but I’ve been back and forth the last few days with having a snippy attitude. I think someone of it is work related. I have a desire to do more and right now I am bored out of my mind. I have literally begged for more work, more customers or to be added to projects and so far nothing has come of it. I feel like I am wasting everyone’s time by not being productive. I cried a bit to the hubby last night about it and how I hate that I care too much.

A girl I went to high-school with is due this month and my jealousy bug has gone nuts. I try not to judge people but this girl is in a bad marriage, has no money, a family that does not help and is not even sure where they will stay once she has the baby. I can not help that I have these feelings of anger and rage that someone that can not give a baby a good home will be taking one home soon and we are just waiting with empty arms.

Despite my odd moods I have got to spend some time with quite a few great people this week. A few ladies I use to work with and miss dearly (Hi T), a few of my bookclub girls and dinner with one of my bestie’s and her husband. I have had some tasty food and good conversations this week.

The hubby turned to me the other day and said – “You know I wish you would hurry up and get knocked up…so I can have this drink.” In the moment it was not as bad as it sounds here. We were kidding around and talking about things and the drink he was referring to was a moonshine his dad gave him. He took a little sip to try it and decided to put it away as a celebration drink. Considering his attitude when we first stared TTC I think this is great.

I’ve had odd twings on my right side the last few days.

Wordless Wednesday

"Letting Go" by Nathan Spoor

Just fits for today.

I'm letting go of stress and trying to camly wait in the breeze for this 2WW to pass.

It's Positive Friday Time

CD23, 3DPO

Another Friday, another week over! Time to go home and get the party on…well not really but I am excited for the weekend.

Here are my reasons why -

1. We got some goats. They are two little billies (boys) and are fainting goats. We have decided to name the black one Batman but we are not yet sure on the white one yet. (originally we through Robin but it just doesn’t fit) Name suggestions are welcome! So now we are excited to go home and hang out with them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQ-evIW6_0U

2. My sister had a surgery today for endometriosis and everything went fine. They said it was mild if any at all.

3. At work today this link got passed around – (here). We were all rolling in our cubes and most of us were crying with laughter. (fair warning, some of it is unintentionally crude)

4. It is going to rain tomorrow so my hubby and I have a scheduled lazy day. I hoping to get in quite a few episodes of Sons of Anarchy.

5. There is a chance the hubby might take me out to a movie tomorrow too. I really want to see Unknown.

6. My sister’s birthday is today so I get to bake a cake this weekend for her. I am trying to improve my baking skills and it is pretty fun for me to do so.

7. I am a big Internez shopper. Much more than I should be but I can’t help myself. Today I got a great deal using Ebates . Each day they have double points for one website and today it was 51%! That’s absurd but good for me. If you ever buy online I would suggest checking it out!

8. Now that winter is coming to an end and my big coat is not needed most days, I got to switch out my purse for a more spring looking one. Silly as it is I love breaking out a new purse.

Now before you go, please think of at least one positive thing. Start your weekend off right with a smile and find joy in something. Please comment here and tell me if you feel like sharing.