Here's to 2011 - Let it be Positive

So many of you have posted lovely good by 2010 and hello 2011 posts. Mine is not much different and I do not have anything too exciting to say. I am not going to complain about 2010 because I did a lot of that as it was going on and truthfully we learned a lot from it.

First I wanted to say thank you to all my fellow bloggies. I appreciate each of you that have stopped throughout this year and encouraged me with your comments and on your own blogs.

And since its Friday I will keep with my tradition and have a Positive Friday.

I am upbeat about what 2011 will hold. I am anxious to know and hopeful that my husband's surgery was successful. Right now I feel like our chances for conception are getting better and that we will one day soon ring in a new year with an extra hand to hold.

We had much different plans for this weekend but both of us ending up being sick. So instead of going out of town to a trade show we are instead staying home, curling up on the couch and will watch movies for the next two days. Sniffles and all I'm still looking forward to it.

Happy New Year to each of you.

Christmas and all the Positives

as you can probably tell, I intend to finish and post this one on Friday, hope you can forgive my tardiness.....

Well it's Christmas Eve. All over the world people are celebrating with their families and hopefully enjoying life. I know it will not be a perfect holiday for some and like me, I know that most you (those whose blogs I follow and my lovely readers) did not receive the one gift you so hoped for this year. But this weekend is a time to be thankful and to be happy with what we have. This holiday season has had its ups and downs but I hope at some point through all of it everyone has found a few moments of happiness.

And with that said - I'm going to focus on the good things and celebrate a few positive things in my life, even if we're still waiting for the big one -

- This year we started TTC. I finally made it to that point in my life where it was the right time.

- We figured out what our main issue was and we did something about it.

- Our TTC chances should increase in 2011

- I still love my job and am lucky to have to. Its a good place and I love getting to play with books all day.

- We welcomed a niece into the family.

- It was a pretty healthy year. No major issues or breakages.

- There should be plenty of chances to try again next year.

I hope everyone had a lovely and wonderful holiday and a great week up to the New Year. I am sending out much love to each of you and lots of baby dust.

Subtle Changes

This journey of ours has been a pretty different one for my hubby than it has been for me. Originally he was not too excited about TTC and would have rather waited another year or two. Like most men he saw the whole process as ‘it will happen when it happens’ and did not see any point in worrying about it. But lately he has inching closer to a more neutral ground. This process has not been easy for either of us but I think I’ve decided our troubles have benefited him and our relationship the last few months.

The most obvious example was his willingness to have surgery. Once we had the SA done he was very positive and reassuring about us going to the doctor and finding out what our options were. We scheduled everything pretty quickly and he never once dragged his feet. Since then a few more little things have stood out.

My hubby is not a big holiday kind of person. Christmas just stresses him out. So when we first got married I promised him that we would not have to get a big Christmas tree until after we had kids and they were old enough to know what it was. I have kept up my side of the bargain and have not made a peep about it. Well around Thanksgiving he started hinting to me that it would be OK if we went ahead and got a big tree. He just wanted me to know that he was alright with it. It was terribly sweet because I knew his thought process was – ‘We should have a baby by now and if we did then she would have a big tree.’ He also went out of his way to help me decorate the house which was a first. While I was putting up the small tree in our dining room, he snuck into the living room and decorated our Tree Mural with some of our ornaments.

How cute is that!?! So for now we have the small tree and this lovely addition. I really love that he used this small way to reach out and try and make things a little bit nicer.

A funnier example was from this last weekend. I was wrapping presents and watching the movie Four Christmases. (Spoiler alert here if you have not seen it before). He sat down and watched the last thirty minutes or so with me. Well at the end of this one it’s all happy and stuff and up pops the typical “One Year Later” statement and they are in a hospital room with a newborn baby. My husband proceeds to exclaim – “Well screw them!” I couldn't help but laugh. He finally understands now why so many movies get me upset these days.

I know there are plenty of you out there with supporative husbands and I'm proud to say that mine is being even more so.

Positive Friday

Happy Friday! And a Positive one at that! I missed it last week so I’m going to have to be extra positive today.

We are trying not to focus on TTC since technically we are on a break. The swimmers are healing from surgery and we are keeping our fingers crossed our chances will increase.
So today I am focusing on the now - I’m looking forward to a nice weekend and so far it’s been a great day today. Here’s why:

1. I forgot my wedding rings at home today, boo! Oh wait that’s not positive…..I left them in the cleaning solution so they are going to be extra shiny tonight

2. I have a Netflix movie at home to watch tonight. It’s a Christmas movie which are always fun (Four Christmases – hope its good) AND the husband said he would watch it with me. Since I had to watch some kind of awful action movie last night (The Expendables – it was horrible) I think this is only fair

3. One of my customers sent me a box of Petits Fours today – extremely yummy!

4. A very sweet coworker/friend took me out to lunch yesterday for my Birthday and today one of my best friends took me out again. I feel loved

5. I have been slowly collecting these Rudolph figures that came out a few years ago. And each year I buy a new part of it so I don’t spend too much. This year I found a good deal on the Santa figure. He was delivered yesterday.

6. Tomorrow I get to hang out with at my parents house to celebrate my Birthday with them. My mom is making lasagna (yum) and we’re having Cupcakes!!!!

7. Christmas is 7 days away!

8. Sunday I am going to a Garth Brooks Concert – it is going to freaking rock!

9. I got an email yesterday from my flex spending account that I still had money left in it that I have to use before the year ends. I thought it was all used up so now I get to file a claim for the husband’s surgery and we should get back the co-pay amount.

10. And today my company gave us a surprise Christmas bonus. It was not expected at all and was pretty darn cool I really do love my job.

Thanks for stopping by! I hope your having a lovely day. And before leaving please think of a positive thing or two about your day or upcoming weekend. Feel free to share it too!

Just a quick update.

Overall I’m not a party pooper and yesterday ended up being a nice Birthday.
Sorry for my little pity party/rant.

since I missed last Postive Friday, here are my Birthday Positives -

Once I got over my little sad spell I:
Ran a few errands
Had some tasty pasta for lunch
Visited my cousin and their new baby
The weather cleared and we went to the Hockey game
We ending up sitting in one of the boxes, the game was great and we won!
My sweet, sweet husband got me a wonder gift - a wallet from Harvey’s (they do seatbelt bags that are just plain awesome!) and had flowers waiting for me at home.

So this year I might not have my heart’s one main desire I am able to look around and be content with what I am already lucky to have. Wonderful friends and family, a great outlet for my troubles, a good job that I enjoy and my health.

Another year....

Today is my Birthday.

Honestly I'm not a big birthday person. Its just another day. This year like the last three or four my Birthday kicks off my small depression train. This train normally chugs along right past Christmas and straight into the new year. Around mid-January I'll get up the nerves to jump off and force myself to walk along the tracks and hope to keep the train at bay for a little while longer. But do not be surprised if it makes a quick return in February when our anniversary rolls around and the official TTC year mark hits.
Even before we started trying it would sting a bit each time my birthday rolled around. I look out at most of my friends and they get lovely Happy Birthday Mommy cards and sweet little handmade gifts. I adore my family and all the sweet things they do to help me ring in another notch on my age tree but in my heart there is that empty feeling that seems to spread out a bit more this time of year that no one else can touch. I thought last year would be my last go around on the pity train, but alas, the months in between have proven to be informative and so this year instead of saying I'm a Mom I get to sneak closer to 30 with another year of what-ifs and hope-so.

I took the day off today to quietly suffer if silence. Its amazing how the oddest things can set you off in tears. It might make me a bit of a coward but to save face I just wanted to get away and avoid any chance of hearing the getting older jokes and the one person that would no doubt ask about it finally being time for children yet. No one really gets the fact that I'm not bothered with being another year older but that its the fact that its another year gone by that I was not given my one wish.

In the lovely fashion that luck seems to have I decided to run errands today to keep myself busy. First stop, picking up pig feed - no problem. Second stop oil change - done, and oh by the way your water pump needs to be replaced. GREAT! That is just what I asked for. Later on this evening my lovely husband plans to take me to a hockey game, which I am very excited for. Expect that we are supposed to have a possible ice storm tonight and now we might not be able to go.

Whew, first let me say it feels nice to get all that out. Maybe with a clearer head I can proceed on with this day and enjoy a bit of it. Here's to hoping the weather doesn't get too bad.

Where’s Your Happy Place?

Where is your happy place?
Where do you go when things get to be a bit much?
Instead of breaking down in public where do you run to?
How do you deal?


I’m sure we all have different ways of getting through and today I discovered my newest coping method. I just completely checked out. I’m getting coffee at work and stop by a friend’s desk and within moments find myself in the middle of a conversation about the co-worker that just had a baby over the weekend. Then the conversation turns to birthing and c-sections. I did not feel right directing the conversation else where and had no opinions on the matter since I have not had the pleasure of giving birth thus far. So I just started reading all the little pieces of paper on my co-workers desk. I’m sure my eyes glazed over at some point. After what seemed like forever (probably around 2 or 3 minutes) I backed out of my fog to hear they were still talking about it all and I just turned and walked away to talk to someone else. Thankfully they are both good friends that understand what is going on so that kind of getaway was hopefully was not looked down upon.

On another note - Today sucks. It has just been one of those days when nothing is going right. I was running late this morning and was late to work which always gets me unnerved. My husband woke up feeling a bit off and has a tightness in his chest. So he went to the doctor and apparently the pain meds they gave him also gave him bronchitis. Lovely. I expect the weekend to be a good one now too.

An early morning

We had to get around 4:30 and surprisingly we both got up pretty easily. I'm about to get in the shower when my husband runs into the bedroom and proclaims "This day I start out as a normal man and this evening I will become - The Impregnator!"

The rest of the day was a bit less exciting but overall a pretty good day. If your interested, here is the scoop on the hubby's surgery - Varicocele Repair

Surgery was only about 40 mins long and because it is an out-patient surgery we were home by 1:00. He'll have to take the whole week of work off and is not supposed to lift anything over 20 lbs for a month.

The technical kind of stuff -

This most common form of treatment usually is done on an outpatient basis, using general anesthetic or local anesthetic. Most commonly, the surgeon will approach the vein through the groin.
He may be able to return to normal, nonstrenous activities after two days. As long as he's not uncomfortable, and he may return to more strenuous activity, such as exercising, after two weeks.
Pain from this surgery generally is mild. The doctor prescribed pain medication for the first two days. After that, he can take OTC to relieve discomfort. There has not been any swelling so far and he has not complained of pain either. Hopefully tomorrow is the same.

The outcome - It takes about 72 days for sperm to generate, so we'll have to wait three or four months after surgery to get a SA to determine whether the varicocele repair was successful. Many hopes and prayers will be going during this wait!

It's Friday!

I am hiding from a baby shower right now. I planned on going to lunch while it was going on but forgot about it and went to early. Of course I contributed to the diaper fund but really it has been a good day so far and I don’t want my mood to take a nose dive. So I stopped by, said hi to the beautiful-about-to-pop mom, grabbed a cupcake and ran back to my desk. I did get a little choked up when she asked why I was not staying for a few minutes and I honestly told her it a bit much for me to handle.

Now, I’m sipping a little punch, looking at a cute cupcake (topper removed) and thinking about nice things. Its Friday and Friday means being positive….

Here are today’s Positives!

1. I’m eating a cupcake – my favorite sweet treat.
2. I have a long weekend ahead of me - taking Monday and Tuesday off.
3. I’m almost done with my Christmas shopping!
4. Because all my shopping was done online, we have add tons of mail and boxes everyday this week. I have probably mentioned this before, but I just love getting mail. It makes me smile.
5. Today the package being delivered is a new purse, my birthday gift to myself!
6. Just planned a fun night out with one of my BFs for a play next week.
7. Still loving my new blog design
8. Added some new music to my library recently and today listening to and loving Bruno Mars - check out Runaway Baby for a cute upbeat song. I can't help but dance a little while listening to this one.

….And last but not least…. Monday we are taking our first huge step towards fighting infertility. Worried or not, I am excited and hopeful.

I hope your enjoying your Friday. Before leaving, please share something postive about your day.

Just a little bit of stuff

This month I have taken a break and not tracked a thing. I’ve felt very detached from the TTC cycle and blogs. I’m having a hard time relating to anything right now and hearing any updates knowing I have none. It has also been pretty difficult to not know what cycle day it is or how much longer I may have before AF. I did pretty well and only checked the dates twice. I know its completely stupid but for the last week or so I kept having ‘what if’ thoughts. I know very well our chances right now are in the 0-2% category but I still could not let go of that hope and wishing. What if it just happened with out surgery or any more intervention….alas AF signs started showing up yesterday so that’s out the window now.

This week things have picked up a bit. We are quickly approaching my hubby’s surgery and I’ve been trying to take care of things beforehand. The doctor was pretty positive they could file everything so insurance would cover it but I’ll admit I’ve been terrified that they will reject it. I called his office on Monday to verify that everything had been filed and to confirm how much our co pay would be. I left a message and received no answer. Tuesday morning I got an automatic email update on our claims and they had denied the earlier consult visit. I had a small stroke and ran out to call the insurance company. Luckily it was an easy update and they just need confirmation that he did not have any other policies from his work. And finally yesterday the doctor’s office called back and confirmed all was fine. The surgery is covered 100% with just a smallish co pay. In the mean time my husband was answering pre-op questions on the phone and they gave us 20% off the co pay if we prepaid over the phone. All I can say was that was a huge relief.

I’ve been dealing with a few mixed emotions about it all. I’m excited for the possibilities that this might fix everything and we are on our way. At the same time I’m terrified that this is just one little hurdle and so much more may be coming. I think it is wearing on my nerves because today I am on edge. I keep getting annoyed at little things and then realize I shouldn't be. I’m ready to go home and hopefully have a quite evening.

Come Look!

I don't really have much going on right now. Most of my last week or so has been filled with work and Internet shopping :)
But if you take a step back and look around you might notice a few changes. I've been working with a designer and have a new look.

I've lost my blog roll for now but plan to work it back in somehow. But with that loss I will mention that I now have a button! Grab it you would like, I think its rather cute.

So, what do you think?

Whew a bit out of whack

Well I hate to say it but I completely slacked off this week and missed most of ICLW and Positive Friday. My mood has been okay and I guess my real excuse is a busy work week and the holiday. However I have visited everyone that stopped by and commented on my posts. Such lovely ladies with so much to share. I really do love this community. I found a few new blogs to follow and obtained a few new followers myself. I promise to get caught up soon and will be much better next month.

So a few good things to make up for missing Friday -

1. Friday one of my best friends stopped by work because she had the day off and brought me lunch. She brought her husband and daughter along too.
2. While eating lunch my boss stopped by and told us that if we had the time we could leave early - so I did
3. My friend was heading to take her daughter to the movies and they invited me along. So I got to see Tangled with them. First I must say her two year old, beautiful daughter was absolutely wonderful. She sat still through the whole movie and enjoyed it. Second, the movie was adorable and a must see if you like that kind of show. Disney really did well this time and I personally think they finally did something as good as Beauty and the Beast. Its been a while, but this one was lovely.
4. Thanksgiving was of course nice. I love all the family time and its our tradition to watch Christmas Vacation each year.
5. Today my hubby took me to see Harry Potter and as expected it was wonderful. I sure hope I can last until the next one comes out.
6. Bought a couple of Christmas lottery tickets and won $50.00 on two different tickets. Pretty rare for me to buy them and even rarer to win anything :)
7. I found some great Christmas gifts all week long shopping online. No black Friday lines for me. Coming up soon, Cyber Monday :)
8. Tomorrow is Sunday, another day of the weekend left

Looking back

Over the years (more so this last year) I've been hyper sensitive to pregnant women and babies. Its the new tend in TV, movies and celebrity news. There are baby bumps on watch and the new norm is to have a family with kids. I also notice a pregnant woman much faster than I do any other normal observances. I try to keep away from Facebook announcements and often hide friends until they are done with all the news and updates. I shy away from baby talk whenever possible and these days completely tune out discussions when they turn to children.

Most recently I been watching a old movies I love and old TV shows. Anything that makes me smile. Along the way I noticed that the characters I most connect with in TV shows or movies are those that have fertility issues. Some of my favorite books also have the same themes. I've never really paid much attention to it until now. Looking back there have been quite a few....

Monica from Friends
Charlotte from SATC
Blessed are the Cheesemakers (a lovely Irish story)
The movie UP

Of course now that I've finally sat down to write up this blog I have forgotten about half of the ones I've come across lately. So my friends and ICLW visitors, have you come across any lately? Are there any stories that you turn to for a pick me up? Books, movies, or TV - lets here it.

Love is...

...where it started.

Last night while flipping channels I came across the movie The Family Stone. Its a very sweet movie with some cute humor and a nice story. I've seen it before but it still made me cry. Part of what I like about it is that its set around Christmas time. Once it ended I was in the mood for another Christmas theme love story. This easily led to me putting in one of my all time favorite Movies - Love Actually. I enjoy this one so very much. By the end of the movie I'm smiling so hard my face hearts and I'm crying like a baby. I went to bed in a happy mood thinking about things....

I need to remember that Love is what started this journey. If I did not have my husband, if I did not love him more than life, than we would not be here trying to have a baby. That this time of ups and downs would not even be an option. I get to choose this journey with him and together we get to push through it. We get to learn more about each other and what we are capable of.

When you really think about it, it was not that long ago when I was in college or in my first apartment crying my eyes out and praying for my partner in life to come along. I have always been an emotional girl with a big heart. I have always wanted and dreamed of a love story. And here I am dwelling on everything we don't have. I have to remember that this love is what I wanted for so long and I got it. There were times when I was depressed and felt the whole world was against me. When everyone I knew was already married and having families but I was still alone. I never knew when it was going to happen but the main point is - it did happen. I did fall in love, find a true partner in life, find that person that loves me more than anything.

So our journey may be longer or a little bumper but to my dear husband, fertility issues and all -

Late, but Positive

Had a pretty busy day today and almost forgot about Positive Friday. But I think that being positive helps me and my moods so I had to take time before bed to stop and be positive -

1. I'm watching Glee. Always good for some smiles
2. Had a really nice steak dinner tonight with the family. The restaurant is next to the lake and it made for a great laugh leaving. There are a lot of ducks outside that have learned to hang out and beg for leftovers from the diners. Just imagine walking out the door to about 20 ducks of all kinds squawking and closing in on you as you briskly walk to your car. :)
3. Harry Potter is out in the theaters, it will probably be next week before we'll get to see it but I'm still excited.
4. We had an author signing at work last week for a book coming out in a few days. The author was really nice and I read the book in two days - Matched by Ally Condie
5. Downloaded a few new albums this week and have enjoyed having new music to distract me.

My positives are a bit superficial today but you've got to take them as they come!

Bittersweet

Last night I had a dream that I had a baby and was breast feeding her. It was surprisingly sweet and touching. I woke up trying to hold this baby of mine and had a very bittersweet moment - to wake up and know that this is not yet my life but more of a sense of what could be. It was not a “what if” feeling or a “have not”, but instead a sometime soon.

While that feeling was nice, it did not last. My numbness has kicked back in.

I’m finding it hard to blog right now because I feel like I do not have anything to say or think about. I’m having trouble relating to people even the other blogs I follow. Knowing that right now our chances are slim to none, I’m actually feeling jealous of those who have the hope and possibilities this month (by no means am I saying I don’t wish you all the best of luck). The few preggos I do know or see sometimes are like the plague. I’m close to tripping over myself to get away from them. It’s like their bellies are a beacon of light shinning out saying “Look at me! Look what I have! Look how easy it is. I know you wish this was you”. Almost like a bad Care Bear sharing mean and depressing thoughts.

My mood is not necessarily bad, I’m able to enjoy the day I just feel like time is wasting away. As we get closer to my husband's surgery my feeling have been bittersweet as well. I am excited to know that our chances will increase. But at the same time I'm having trouble being positive about it. I am fearful that more problems will arise and this is not the final answer.

I need something to kick in gear, to get me on track with better thoughts and a better attitude. I really don't want to feel like this over the holidays.

Just Floating Along

This week has not necessarily been hard or bad, it’s just been. I feel like we’re just floating along and waiting. I do not feel like I have much to say. I do not feel like I have a lot to care about. I’m just here.

It’s Friday and I like to have a few positive thoughts on Fridays. I’ve been sitting here a while trying to think of things and so far nothing. It not that everything is awful it’s just that everything feels a bit numb. I think I’ll got take a lunch break and see if this cloudiness clears any at all.

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quick update - I have 21 followers! That's a positive for sure. I love my bloggie friends :)

Without you

Today my mind is preoccupied with the have not. This song has stuck with me for awhile now and today it just keeps replaying in my head -

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.
The world revives
Colors renew
But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.
Without you.
Without you, the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns!
The heart yearns!
The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I'm gone.
Cause I die, without you.
Without you.
Without you.
Without you.

(Without you~ the cast of Rent)

There will be Positive Friday

“In this moment, I’m struggling and I can’t do what I want to do, not only have I not had a good moment, I’ve missed the moment completely, just by standing outside the moment and judging it” ~ Michael J. Fox

Today I am crawling out of my pit of sadness and am going to force myself to find the positive. I might slide back into sadness or anger another time, but today I will make a few steps forward.

So here are the positives about today and our situation –

1. The good news about our diagnosis - 75% of males that have this surgery show an increase in sperm count and quality. As long as he is in that 75% than our chances will go from 0 or 2% up to 50%. I think a fifty percent increase is better than I would have expected.

2. My husband is a trooper. While at the doctor’s he just jumped up and said “so, when can we do it” when told that surgery is the answer.

3. I have a great support system of people around me that truly care and are doing their best to understand what we are going through and why I’m being such a butthead right now. This also includes some wonder bloggies that have given me such sweet and wonderfully uplifting comments over the last few weeks. Thank you so much ladies :)

4. Our chances of conceiving are slim to none right now, so we get to save money on OPKs and HPTs for the next few months.

5. Waiting a few months to conceive will mean I might miss a few of the really hot months for a due date.

6. I think I'm going to take this waiting time and be productive. I really need to get back into a workout schedule and hopefully I just use this to jump start it.

7. There is a new local cupcake place and today at lunch I picked up not one but two cupcakes to try. I adore cupcakes so this gave we a big smile today.

8. I'm lucky enough to live in TN and tomorrow tickets go on sale for the first Garth Brooks concert he has down here in 12 years. So I get to get up early in the morning, stand in line and buy tickets for my wonderful Mom.

So there you have it. I found some positives. Please take a moment to think of something positive for yourself and if you feel like sharing leave me a comment. Comments make me smile almost as much as cupcakes.

Today Bitter is my new Black

When you receive news that you do not like, I think everyone has their own way of reacting. Normally I’m a pretty positive person (partially why I titled my blog like I did) and will focus on the good things. When my husband gets upset he normally gets mad first and I in turn try to remind him of all the ways it could be worse.

Today those roles are very clearly switched. I’m spitting mad and feel very bitter. Not at him but at our situation. My brow is so furrowed I just might need Botox by the end of the day. Everyone and everything I look at is seen from very negative eyes and ignites a new passion of fury. The stupidest things have ticked me off already. I’m trying to say at my desk and not look at anyone. If I don’t look at them I don’t have to talk to them. If I don’t talk to them I don’t have to act like something is wrong.

My second biggest fear in life is facing me head on. My desire to have children is ingrained in my being, has been my main goal in life for as long as I can remember. My picture of happiness is having a home that my husband and I build for our children. And today we officially heard a doctor say Infertility. We did not have to hit the full year mark to hear Male infertility.

If you’ve hung around this long I guess maybe you’re interested in the details?

Well we have been told today that husband has a condition called Varicocele. (If you interested in the details of it just click on the link)

Our chances of conception right now are almost 0 percent – this is not me being dramatic at all. He said this same thing more than once. My husband is now scheduled for a varicocele repair in December. While it is an outpatient procedure he will have to take a whole week off of work. He is out of vacation time so of course the whole week will be without pay. Not to mention that fact that we need to pray very hard that insurance will cover the procedure. If they do not, we will have to put the surgery off for who knows how long.

Please don’t get me wrong, I KNOW things could be worse, but right now I truly feel crushed. I’m angry. I’m disappointed and feel helpless. I am wallowing in my pity….

(tomorrow I will be positive)

Being Positive, I think

I have to admit I'm pretty darn tired of feeling all doom and gloom. I'm ready to get over this negativity hump. This whole week has felt crappy and I've been crabby with it.

So this evening I am striving to be positive. Tomorrow we have a doctor's appointment and instead of expecting the worse I'm gong to be hopeful. I can not be upset about it unless there is a reason to be and since we haven't gone yet, I do not have a good reason. (thinking good thoughts...fairies...puppy dogs.....sunshine.....)

The spotting has stopped. Well at least for today. Last time it was every other day for a week but this month I was on Clomid so I have no idea what it means if anything. But in hope of trying to be positive, if AF starts I'm getting drunker than a skunk this weekend!

Ok, well that's it for now. I'm planning on a peaceful evening with no stress. Looking forward to a lovely morning with a nice doctor (we hope) that will give us good news about our chances.

Well this sure has been one fine day!

Let’s see, whats happened so far today….

I woke up.

Took a HPT this morning (9 dpo). I know it was silly but I woke up with such a nice feeling of hope I decided to go with it. Of course it was BFN but I was not surprised and it did not make me upset.

While in this shower I got an extremely large about of face wash directly in my left eye. It was more painful that I could have imaged. My eye burned for about two hours once I was able to open it. Now it is bloodshot and watery. The sunlight and my computer screen are making it a bit worse.

I voted. This part was ok and only took about 5 minutes.

Stopped to get breakfast, which I hardly ever do anymore and ordered a new coffee drink. The picture looked like hot coffee, whip crème and all. Tasty sounding right? Well you would be wrong, it’s an iced drink and tasted watered down.

Got to work and remembered I had a 2 hour meeting/presentation thing to go to this morning. Oh joy, always love those.

Quick pit stop at the restroom before meeting and discover oh so wonderfully that I’m spotting.

Sat through meeting, trying not to cry about previous discovery and developed a headache.

Check phone after meeting to discover text message from high school friend announcing her baby will be a boy.

Had a friend’s dad checking my IPod to see what is wrong with it and was just told its pretty much shot. So now I’m IPod-less for who knows how long.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I wonder what else this day has stored for me.

What is meant to be will be....

I have used and believed in this saying for years. It has proven to be correct in many of my major milestones - high school boyfriends, a job, even my wedding. With that said, I am now terrified of it.

There is always this big picture you can not see now that will one day light up and become clear. Now I'm sitting here wondering what is it that I don't know yet. Has my husbands SA opened up a door to get him to the doctor to find out something bad? Is this just a way to delay us a bit longer because there is something big coming we don't know about yet? So many unknown things I could worry about.

Up until this point, looking back I can see there were good reasons for things and overall I'm happy with the outcome. But right now I just don't know what can happen that would make not having a baby right now a good thing.

Positive Friday

Well its been a hard week, but I will not let it get me down.

Its time for Positive Friday.

1. All hope is not lost and hopefully some answers next week

2. We had a fun day at work with Creepy Cube Crawling (I totally came up with that name :)) Pretty much it was trick or treating at our desks, but still fun.

3. Tomorrow I get to do the local Breast Cancer Walk with my Mom

4. My family and husband are being very understanding this week about my moods and are trying to be positive for me.

5. I found a candy corn painted piggy bank at target yesterday. It is so darn freaking cute. My husband's nickname is Candy corn and we have a pig, so its just perfect for us.

6. We are going to a friends house tonight to carve pumpkins

Hope you can find a few positive things to be happy about today too.

Until next week

I’m surprised, but today I feel a bit better. Thank you all for your very sweet comments.

Today I’m listening to show tunes with online radio. Last night I downloaded the whole Rent soundtrack but wonderfully enough my IPod has died. I think it’s just a battery issue and having someone look at it this weekend. Worst case I’ll just get a new one for my birthday (a bit early but I don’t mind). Anyways, back to the show tunes - I think because most of the songs tell a story, I’ve been able to listen and keep myself from thinking about other things.

Tonight I have a work outing for dinner and drinks. I will not be drinking but I think it will still be fun. I might have the hubby stop by to meet a few of my work friends.

Beyond that we have a busy weekend. I will however find some time for myself. I need to work though some of these emotions and end my pity party. I just keep trying to remind myself that it could be worst, it’s not over yet and we have options. And we have an appointment next week with the urologist. I will probably be anxious up until then but I am looking forward to it.

Why Us? (the million dollar quesiton)

This pain, stress, tears, anger, agony....why us?

Did you know that Sperm takes three months to produce and mature and there is often a 4-6 month delay between treatment of the man and resulting changes in the sperm. -
Are you kidding me? REALLY? We have answer and right now I can hope for results in another 6 months?!?

Over 50% of men will have a treatable cause of male factor infertility - is this a silver lining?

Most infertility cases (85% to 90%) are treated with conventional medical therapies such as medication or surgery. - will this be us? if so, will the medical therapy be too expensive?

Approximately 15% of couples attempting their first pregnancy meet with failure.
Why?
Why us?
Why anyone?

Having a small breakdown

I just called into my doc and the results are in. My doctor has not had a chance to review the results yet but the nurse could tell I was anxious and gave me a bit of it.

Pretty much it came back abnormal and without medical intervention are chances are greatly decreased. Honestly I didn't hear much more after that. I tried to sound calm but I was losing it. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through today.

She said they would call me back later on today after talking to the doctor and getting an official prognosis and plan of action. She was very persistent in telling me not to tell him about it until I have all the information.

I just don't know what to do right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Update*

Thankfully the nurse called me back within the hour. Even with not crying I think she could tell I was a basketcase.

So the official stats are this -

Very low chance of conception without medical intervention

Total count is 74 million (over 40 is good, so this number is fantastic)
Viability is 84% (over 50 is preferred)
Concentration is 17 million (should be over 20)
Mobility is 17% (should be over 50%)

First plan of action is going to see a Urologist. This should be a cheaper option instead of going straight to the fertility clinic.

I feel a bit numb right now. We are officially a statistic.

Pins and needles

I called Friday to ask about the hubby's SA test results. They said to call back Monday.
Well, its Monday and......

So far no results. I called this morning and she said they had not seen anything yet but that she would give them a call to check on it. I took that to mean she would call me back. But so far no call back.....

I called about 4:00 to see if I could check in before their day ends and the secretary said she would have the nurse call me. But I think the boat has sailed for today.....

I thought they said at the collection place that they would fax over the report and any treatment/conception plans. So, friends and visitors - has anyone else has one of these recently? Does my doctor have to see the report first? Can the nurse just give me the results? I'm starting to worry that they are not calling back because something is wrong. I HATE this fearful feeling.

I feel like a teenager watching my phone.

Peak Day

Just a quick update -
My body and CBEFM came through for me. I had a peak day yesterday and today - so this means OV is today. I love when it falls on the weekend. So much easier for planning purposes.

I could really tell a difference with my body this cycle using Clomid. My ovaries ached for two days. The ache has stopped today which helps me believe the CBEFM is correct and on track. And today is CD17! My last few cycles have really long with OV hitting in the mid twenties. I much prefer this earlier OV day.

Also, I called the doc Friday afternoon about the hubby's SA and the test results were not in yet. They said to call back on Monday. Honestly I don't mind the wait. Instead we can enjoy our BDing this weekend and blissfully hope that this will be our month until proven otherwise.

ICLW and Positive Friday

Welcome visitors and thank you for stopping by.

Here’s the long of it –
We’ve been trying since February. I know this is not as long as some/most but it’s so very long to us. The cycles have been odd, long, weird and trying. I’ve temped, watched CM, freaked out a few times, used OPKs, tried to relax…..

The short of it –
Today is CD 15 and my CBEFM has been giving a high reading for 7 days now. I had a few twinges of pain on my right side yesterday so I just knew for sure I was at OV but so far no peak days. I’m starting to wonder if maybe the monitor missed my peak-ness but will keep POS until it tells me to stop.
Tuesday we went to the clinic to have the hubby’s stuff tested and we hope to hear the results today. I’m terrified of knowing and terrified of not knowing. Hopefully I’ll find something out later on today.

And now…..

Positive Friday Time!
I starting doing this last month and honestly it has helped my mood and I even think it’s lowered my stress levels too. All I’m doing is making a point to stop each Friday and think of some times that I can be happy or Positive about.

1. We get to find out the results to the analysis. Good or bad news, it’s a good thing just to know.
2. Its CD 15 and a good chance I will OV soon (compared to CD 20ish or worse)
3. I finished reading my book club book for this month early. Now I get to start reading something with fluff.
4. Its ICLW – I love comments and finding new blogs to read. This blogging community is wonderful and helps me more than I ever expected it to.
5. A friend of mine is making me a blog button. I hope to have it soon
6. It is Friday, plain and simple. The weeks been long and busy but now the weekend is a few hours away.

So before moving on, I encourage you to take a moment to think of a positive thing or two that you can be happy about today. Feel free to share it here or even do your own post today.

(p.s - I love my followers and try to keep up with them as much as possible - so if your new, decide to follow me and your blog is not visible, please send me your link so I can stop by and say Hi sometime)

Well that part is done

It’s been a bit busy lately and really that’s helped me a lot. I’ve spent more time on distractions and less time on ‘woe is me’ stuff.

Since my last post-
I hung out and had a few drinks with some co-workers last Friday. It was so much fun and I really enjoyed myself. It’s really nice getting to know the people you see everyday outside of work. The hubby had to go out of town over the weekend so I had a lot of free time for me. Saturday I helped my Mom for most of the afternoon raising money for the breast cancer awareness walk we were doing the end of this month. I had fun there too and was impressed with how much we raised. Sunday I got to spend more time with my family and then hung out with the hubby once he got home.

Monday was uneventful but Tuesday was test day. I took the day off to spend with the hubby and drove us over to the appointment. First of all I got us lost. I parked in the wrong parking garage but luckily it was only one block away. So we high-ailed it up the road and made it only 15 minutes late. We were both in good spirits but slightly nervous. It was a really nice office and while I hope we will not need any other services there, I felt comfortable knowing this will be the place to go if we get to the point of needing a FS. After leaving there we had a nice lunch and a wonderful lazy afternoon.

Now we get to wait for the test results – hopefully they will be ready on Friday. I do not plan on stressing out about it!

I did want to take a quick moment to welcome a new follower - Calmly Chaotic
She left a wonderful comment yesterday that really meant a lot to me in response to my fear of getting the stuff tested –

I met with a fertility psychologist last week (yes I am at that point)and she emphasized the difference between men and woman. Woman have this feeling that once they decide they want to have a baby, it should have happened yesterday. Men think it will happen when it should. The sense of urgency (sometimes desperation) just isn't there for most men and they have trouble understanding how we feel. I hope you find some answers soon.

I really appreciate that she took the time to share this with me. It really made sense and puts a very truthful perspective on how I’m feeling compared to my husband. While he tries very hard to understand that desperation is beyond his grasp. I understand this and its nice to hear that its not just ‘us’.

Another Positive Friday!

I am starting to look forward to my Friday posts. While this week was a bit much emotionally I got through it! Now I’m going to look forward to the weekend and think of a few positive things to start that off.

1. I was invited to go out after work with a few people that I’ve never really hung out with before. It’s always nice to feel included and to get to know people more.
2. Next week the hubby and I are going to have the ‘stuff’ tested. So I’m sending positive Friday thoughts in that direction and hoping for great results.
3. A friend from my book club had surgery on Monday and she is home and doing great.
4. Tomorrow I get to spend part of my Saturday at a fundraiser for our local Breast Cancer Awareness walk
5. found the music video for Jar of Hearts. This artist is very new but I just love her voice and tone. Hopefully she’ll put out her album soon.
The song is a sad one but what is cool about it is the story behind it. I love the TV show So You Think You Can Dance and this last season one of the choreographers did a dance to this song. She was unknown and the song blew up overnight on Itunes (I was one of those to download it). Well in the video she includes the dance from the show.

Last but not least -
6.One of our niece’s left us the most precious card at the in-law’s house earlier this week, so sweet it made me cry a little:

So there are my positive thoughts for the day. I hope you can take a moment and think of something positive about your day before moving on to another blog :)

A grey sky kind of day

Today I am in a mood and it is not a good one.
I feel like I should be crying
Yet I feel so empty and devoid of emotion.
It’s a different kind of pain.
I want to be comforted and understood.
I want to be left alone and invisible.
Life is unfair, I know this.
But is it necessary to shove this down my throat?

I have fear
Fear of not knowing
Fear of actually knowing
Desperate to know what’s coming
Terrified it will be what I fear

Distractions only work for so long
I can only stay so busy
Eventually my mind takes over and helps me remember
That I am without
Sleep would be nice but then I have dreams
The dreams also know
They also want
I wake up and I’m still empty

Testing

Well we’re biting the bullet. I’m taking the hubby next week to get the “stuff” checked out. We had a talk about it last month and I told him we could wait a bit and try the Clomid first but if that didn’t work he would have to step up to the plate. I mentioned it to him late last week and it really put him in a bad mood. It’s not the cup-ness that bother’s him but instead the amount of things that will change once we do succeed. He wants kids and will be a wonderful father one day but right now he can’t picture it beyond the fear. These moments end up being really hard for me. I’m torn from wanting to help him and being upset that he’s not looking past the small picture. Anyways he was has perked up a bit and asked me to book the appointment.

I have admit I am also fearful, but for a different reason. I am terrified that we’ll have this “stuff” tested and that there will be an actual problem. I know its stupid not to know and silly to get upset over nothing but I am really worried about getting the results back. But instead of looking at that part of the picture I'll divert my eyes for now and instead look forward and hope for the best.

Clomid is in use and the hot flashes are on!
Wishing for a successful cycle.
This is all I ask.
Please

Lyrics

At different stages in my life I have hooked on to certain songs or artists that have been able to soothe my emotions or enhance my happiness. Lately I have searching for that song or artist that covers what I'm feeling right now. But so far nothing has been just right. I think its safe to say there are not a lot of songs about this stage of things. However I have been able to find solace in parts of songs.

I think music is one of the main outlets I use for my emotions. I might not write my own songs or poems but I connect so much with the words behind a song. For years I have copied down lyrics or referenced them in one way or another.

Last night I got to see sara bareilles in concert and it was wonderful. Quite a few of her songs affect me on an emotional level and here are a few little pieces of them.....

~~~~~~~

No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before, this is
No broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

~~~~~~~

I don't want to talk about it to you
I'm not an open book that you can rifle through
The cold hard truth that you'll see right to
I'm just basket case without you

~~~~~~~

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

~~~~~~~

I'll breathe again...

Positive Friday

After a hard night that included many, many tears I am happy to be here on today with Positive Friday. I will not dwell on the negative and instead find a few things to be happy about today.

Had to go to the dentist this morning, so my teeth are all nice and clean.
1. I feel really cute in my outfit today
2. I’m going to a concert tonight with my best friend – Sara Bareilles!!!! We are so excited.
3. Since I’m going out tonight I don’t have to fix dinner tonight
4. My husband does NOT have to work this weekend.
5. A fellow blogger posted a quote I have been looking for for months! Thanks again Jess

Last but certainly not least....
6.An old neighbor was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last month (I know this is bad but wait for the positive part – BTW this is Breast Cancer Awareness month!) and she had her surgery and they got it all. She will NOT have to have any chemo! So happy to hear such a great outcome.

Thank you for stopping by and I hope before you move on to other things stop for a moment and think of something positive you can be happy about today!

No Go On This Round

There was bit of spotting yesterday and today while it’s not in full swing I think its just plain denial to not call it CD1.
I know the chances were not going to improve with the first try at Clomid but I could not help but hope. Called my Doc this morning and she is calling in my refill today so I can start the second round over the weekend.

So I think it’s safe to call this day CD1
(Insert much sadness, un-cried tears, slight emotional breakdown)
I’m holding back and not going to have a fit at work today. I do however have a headache from not crying.

It just so happened a friend asked me today how I was doing and she is one of the few around me that asks and really means it. She said I seem defeated and honestly I really do. I feel beat down. I feel like life is kicking me in the shins and laughing at my pain.

So I’ve been throwing around the idea of acupuncture the last few months and I think it might be time to just try it. Looked it up online, found an office ten minutes from work and our insurance gets me 20% discount. I have so many questions and will have to write them out before calling. My biggest concern is of course cost and how often they will expect me to go. Any thoughts?

What about herbals? I’m only taking a prenatal right now but I wonder if I should be doing more. Hopefully I can find some time today to see if there are any Clomid issues when taking herbals.


**I totally forgot! Hello to my new followers! You are much appreciated. A few of you are hidden to me so if you don't mind, please message me your blog link so I can get to know your better as well.

Vacation :)

I'm trying to move on from lower point and sad day...so I'll tell you about our vacation! Yeah, its over now but it was great. The hubby and I ran down to Florida for a long weekend that was much needed. I'm happy to say we were able to enjoy ourselves and the time with out having any TTC windows looming.

We drove down on Thursday and had the best weather all weekend long. While unpacking my husband noticed very quickly that he packed everything we needed, expect for his shirts! He was so mad and all I could do was laugh at him! So Friday we had lunch at a Irish pub that makes the best honey bread and fish & chips then went shirt shopping.

Saturday we drove over to Alabama to visit the SS Alabama (a battleship). It was really cool and very interesting. I'm not a fan of tight spaces and stairs so there were a few moments of fear during the tour but seeing that ship was worth it. They also had a submarine there you could walk through. For future reference this is something I will never do again. It had way to many people in there and I learned just how bad my claustrophobia is. The whole thing is literally a small hallway with a few bathroom sized rooms to step into. You can only go in one way and we happened to venture in right behind a troop of Boy Scouts. They of course stopped to look at everything and about halfway through my breathing got shallow and I was on the verge of tears. Finally I pushed my husband forward enough to get past them and got the hell out of there. I told him later that if had moved any slower he and the troop might not have made it.

Sunday we got up and went back to the Irish Pub for a Sunday Brunch. Its something new they just started and it was wonderful. I tried Eggs Benedict for the first time and loved it. Each meal also came with a free Irish Coffee. The only bad part of the weekend was when we noticed my license plate was stolen and we had to file a claim with the local sheriff's department. After filing a report we headed over to the theater to see The Town. It was a very good movie and a good choice to see on the big screen. After the movie, we stopped by our favorite spot in FL - the Crap Shack. And of course, we had Crab. It was by far the best we have had so far.

Monday we drove back home, took our time and had a nice last day of Vacation.

A Less Than Fun Morning

I made a stupid decision this morning. I decided last night that I was going to go ahead and POAS today just because it was my last day of vacation and maybe, just maybe I would get a nice surprise. And as you can always guess, it was a BFN. Even worse I dreamed about taking the test all night long. That should have been enough of a hint for me but who listens to logic when they are desperate? Yes, today is only 10DPO but my normal LP is 11 days so it's only one day early right? I did not however stop to think about how the Clomid might affect this part of the cycle. Who knows, maybe my body is shooting for 40 days and 40 nights....today is CD34 so it would make just a nice little wrap to a very long cycle....

As I sit hear now, I have a little twinge of something going on on my right side. Cramps? Stomach Ache? A symptom? Honestly I do not even want to guess. I'm holding on to this little piece of hope that is slipping through my finger tips, with tears in my eyes I think I might just have to let it go.

Since this post is already on a negative kind of spin I guess I will just continue. I have been trying to catch up on some blogs I missed over the weekend and came across one that hit a chord. She was mainly telling 2010 to F-off because the year sucked and there was not a BFP in sight. I have to admit it struck me hard to think of the year and while it as a whole has not sucked, this TTC part really has. I did all this waiting and hoping for the right time to start trying. And jaded, I expected fast results. Now, sitting here the weather has changed, my next birthday is looming, a new cousin was born last Friday, another one is due in December and I just realized that this year really is pretty much over. The chances that we would have a child this year is long gone and the hope of even getting started is really unlikely. If/when this cycle is not successful I will have to call my Doc and talk to her about the Clomid and how it went. Then we'll try again and if my cycle does another long repeat, only have time left this year for one or two more tries. Then I'll get my hopes up and pray for a Christmas miracle, which of course will not happen and then I'll start off 2011 on some type of depression medication. (whew, writing it out just made it that more clear and awful).

See what one little stick can do for positivity?

A Great Long Weekend

CD 31 / 7DPO - I'm not sure about this cycle. I've had funny feelings all weekend but I'm not sure if any of them are symptoms - headaches mostly and some uneasy stomach feelings. Keeping my hopes up but trying to just enjoy my vacation.

The hubby and I are currently hanging out in FL for the weekend. We've had a great time - visiting a battleship, having crab legs, seeing movies and of course hanging out on the beach. Its been the best weather we've seen here in quite a while.

I'm going to make this a short one, but first - I was giving my first blog award the other day from Angie at Random Thoughts from Angie
Thanks so much Angie! I'll share and answer my questions later on this week.

Happy thoughts to all (and me!), hoping for late AF's and sticky babies :)

A fun new TTW

Ok, fun might not be the right word, but a positive TTW maybe....
Instead of worrying I am going to push through the next two weeks with hope and a few distractions. We have a short vacation next week and all my tv shows are back on!

I was tagged again the other day by Baby Crazy Kiwi. A bit delayed, but here are my answers....

1) What do you look forward most to about being a parent?
Getting to look at the baby's beautiful face. Seeing those eyes and smile and spending hours at a time trying to decide who the baby looks more like.
I also look forward to being proud. Being proud and learning from what our beautiful child will teach us.

2)What is your greatest fear?
Since I was a teenager I have always feared the possibility of not having a child or losing my husband. Its morbid, I know, but its always been there.

3)If there was something which you could 'do-over' in life what would it be?
I wish I had stopped and thought a few times in my life before opening my mouth and saying the wrong thing.

4) When are you happiest?
Curling up with my husband on the couch watching movies and holding hands. I also love Sundays - its our family day so we get to see our parents and spending some quality time with them.

Positive Friday

I had planned a whole different kind of post for today but my morning has been going so well that I have changed my mind.

Today will be Positive Friday! Instead of complaining or worrying - I will focus on the good things. This will help my day stay on the right track and hopefully start off the weekend right. I might just make this my scheduled Friday post.

1. I woke up to a Peak day on my CBEFM!

2. I took Clomid this month for the first time b/c my Doc listened to me and is working with me on this journey.

3. Its CD23 - yeah that's pretty late for me to OV BUT I had to go look at my tracker to see what the day was. This is great because I have been trying very hard not to obsess this month and that's a sign that I'm doing a good job.

4. Stopped and got Starbucks this morning!

5. Going to see a local play this evening with some great ladies I use to work with

6. The delay in getting preggo has opened up a bit more money for us when we I do get there and have maternity leave. Its kind of an odd break down but at 2.5 years at my job they give you 10% more.

7. I won something this morning on a blog giveaway :)

8. My Ipod is packed with some good upbeat songs and I am totally rocking out at my desk - and I don't care who sees me

9. Vacation is next week!

10. I get to spend some extra time with my mom this weekend at a local event.

So there you have it - I think that's plenty of stuff to keep a smile on my face today. If your reading this, please take a moment to think of something to smile about before you move on to another blog.

ICLW

So this is my first go at ICLW :) If your new, thanks so much for visiting.

Overall my story is not an eventful one (so far) and really just focuses on TTC. While I have always wanted children, my over-whelming emotional drive to have one started around 20. But, I was not even close to being married and in a good place for it. So I waited.
Now my hubby and I have been married almost three years now and have been TTC for eight months or so. I feel like its been so much longer because of the years I waited to start the trying. I do not have any doctor diagnosis to label myself as an Infertile but I have always worried that it would be an issue. I started charted at our first month and so far no successes. While my days can be emotional sometimes I'm hopeful and working towards that positive!

I must say I love the blogging community and how much its helped me deal with my good and bad days. It helps the waiting go by a bit faster and its a great day to read good news on a fellow blogger's post.

CD 20

Today is CD 18 and no OV. I'm not sure what this means or how the rest of this month will play out. I have to wonder is this is just a delay on myside or if the Clomid is not strong enough. Hopefully OV will come about soon but it not then at least I know I can call my Doc.

So I started this post a few days ago and have just had no time to finish it. After showing no signs of OV I decided today would be the last day to POAS. And go figure - finally this morning (CD 20 if you had not guessed already) my CBEFM showed a high reading. This is the latest I've ever showed OV signs and all I can do is guess that its due to the Clomid. Hopefully I'll show another high reading tomorrow and this will not have just been a fluke. I really don't want this cycle to be wasted.

In other non-baby-like topics, I had a fantastic weekend! The hubby and I went out to a concert on Friday to see an 80s band. It was cute but we really had a lot more fun once we ventured up to the other section of the venue to see the 90s band. They were great and we really just had a fun time rocking out. Saturday we laid around by the pool all day long and just relaxed. Then on Sunday we visited with family (which we always do) and of course that is always nice.

On a fun note, I was blog - tagged by Summastarlet from How To Make A Baby & Other Ramblings. So now I get to answer a few questions she left for me and do the same for a few of my readers (who btw I just love and appreciate so much!)

Here are my questions to answer -

1. Favorite time of year and why?
Winter, hands down! I do not like being hot at all. I love winter clothes, snow and hot tea/chocolate.

2. Five things you would like to do in your life (but haven't yet).
I guess its cheating if I say my first one is Being a Mom :)
a- skydive. I have wanted to for a very long time and one day I will
b- run a marathon
c- read all of the books on my book shelf - this one is really unattainable since I'm always bringing home new books, but a girl can dream
d- build a house with a library room
e- take in foster animals for a local shelter

3. Favorite band/singer/artist?
Oh my, there are way too many bands/singers that I love to pick a favorite. I also have a very wide selection of genres that I listen to but I'll try to give a few highlights -

My all time favorite band to see in concert is Matchbox Twenty - they just put on a great show.
I am also very much in love with Edwin McCain and will go out of my way to catch a show of his. Just purchased the new Sara Bareilles album and have listened to it over and over again (not a bad song on there).
When I need a chill day I listen to Colbie Caillat or Ray LaMontagne
Really like Florence + the Machine - her videos are a bit odd-ball but the CD is good.
On a fun day, I'm a very big fan of soundtracks (all of the Twilights, Mad Love, Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show, Shrek, and so many many more).
When I need a rock day I like Breaking Benjamins, Cold, 3 Doors Down (just to a name a few)

4. Most embarrassing moment?
Again, way to many to pick the best one. I have a bad habit of sticking my foot in my month sometimes. I am also a bit clumsy so I can fall down pretty easily. A few years ago I purchased a treadmill about 9 months before getting married so I could lose some weight and feel better on my wedding day. Before the stupid thing could be delivered I fell down on my porch and cracked a bone in a my foot. So I was in a boot until the week of my wedding!
I'm sure if you ask my friends they could give you a lot more embarrassing stories.

And now I get to pass along the fun, I am tagging -

Renee at What's the Point of all This
Ms. Kiwi at babycrazykiwi
Married_em at Married_Em........Now What?
Christine at A Whole New Blog
Green Sprout at The (Baby) Elephant in the Bedroom
(yes I know you've been tagged a couple of times but you have been one of my best supporters here so I had to tag you too :O)

I would love it if you would answer my questions -
1. If you could live anywhere else in the world where would it be?
2. Who do you find inspiring (other than your family members)?
3. What was the last book you read? and What was the last one you read that you would suggest other's read?
4. Have you had any major injuries?
5. Do you have a favorite quote or motto?
And a bonus....Because I really liked this question - Do you have a Favorite band/singer/artist?

So whats going on...

So its CD12 no sign of anything. Fertility monitor is still saying low. I have no clue if the Clomid is working, I do know that I am having a small side effect - hot flashes! Its so odd and not very pleasant. I know it could be worse but I am one of those people that HATE to be hot. I hate summer, I'm ready for snow and now I feel like I need an emergency fan in my purse.
But this is me doing something, this is me trying even harder for this!

I've had a few people ask me lately when the kids were coming and I did ok. There were no tears and no swing towards depression. I'm still trying to actively keep my mood up at work and not really talk about things.

Today I had a publisher (I work with authors and publishers for book printing) tell me today - Thanks for all your help nursing this grumpy baby through the birth canal!
(by baby she does mean her book)
then an hour or so later she called to ask me something and signed off of our phone conversation by saying "your a good midwife"

This did not bother me but just seemed so odd.

On to other news- the hubby is being even more supportive! He is trying to keep up the schedule but also reminds me that everything will be ok and, as he said last night, "we WILL have babies" :D

Ugh, while looking at giveaway blogs I came across one called something like -
Opps! We're Preggers Again!

On top of that they were having a giveaway to help them come up with baby names.

This just annoyed way more than it probably should have

A longer wait

Well I survived my first try at Clomid. I took my last dose yesterday and as far as I could tell I did not experience any side effects. I'm not sure if this part might come later on but I guess we'll see.

Its funny, this month I feel off my schedule. I started doing something (taking the pills) for this cycle a lot earlier than I normal start prepping for the month. So I feel like more should be going on, almost like I'm in the 2WW. Also I feel neglected by my Fertility monitor. Last month was the first time I used it so I started tested on day 5 up to day 25. Now I turn it on and it just stares at me, it doesn't need or want me!

I'm looking forward to this cycle and its possibilities. We have a good bit of things going on at home and work so I plan to be distracted and will this month to go by quickly. And when it ends I hope, wish, pray for a BFP :)

Starting Something New

Well this is it. I picked up my RX today of Clomid and tomorrow is CD3.

I have to admit I am nervous. A bit worried about it not working or having bad side effects. But I'm also very excited. We visited the new niece (it was a girl, btw) and I held her for about thirty minutes. I am so ready for this and WILL have positive thoughts. I will have bad days but for now a more positive attitude is the plan.

This is one step in the right direction. This is me doing something proactive. This is a plan.

This could be what it takes!

The Second Bit

I finally had my doctor's appointment on Monday and it went great. I was really worried that she was going to look at me and tell me, well its hasn't been a year yet so you just need to wait - but she didn't! She listened to everything I had to say and offered to start me on Clomid next month. So I am waiting for this cycle to end and turn this prescription in to get filled. I know there might be side effects but really, I'm just excited to be doing something different. I am so ready to get this ball moving.

My current cycle, surprisingly enough seems to be going at a more normal pace then the last few months. I OVd around CD17 and right now its CD28 with signs of AF. I have felt a bit off lately and secretly hoped that it was just our time but if AF does kick in full gear then I have my plan.

The Sister in Law had the baby today. So far I still do not know if its a boy or a girl. They of course called my DH to give him the update (she had to have a C-section) and he never thought to ask for any details. (Sigh) He's such a man! I am proud to say that I have been pretty positive about the whole thing the last few days (and by positive I mean there have not been any tears or really bad words used). I'm actually looking forward to going to the hospital to see them today or tomorrow.

Well, I guess that's about it for now :)

The First Bit

So I have a few things to update on but I’m splitting this up into two blogs. One nicer and one not so nice.

Here’s the not so nice. That way I can end on a good note.

Sunday I went to a very large baby shower and I really believed that at some point I was going to implode. There were 25 women, 4 toddlers, 2 newborns all in a small room. It was my Cousin (in law)'s shower and I love her to death. She has had a rough go of it this time (her second, unplanned child) and I'm glad to see she's feeling better. But, whew! That was one kind of something there. Way too many people and way too loud. I left with such a bad headache mostly from the noise but also from the few times I really had to fight back tears. There is something about baby socks that really pushes me over the edge. Lets just say she got at least 50 pairs!

And then Yesterday sucked. It really did…..
Over all I was having a nice day. I took Monday off and was in a good mood most of the day. Well during a work thing I was kidding around with a friend about something silly and she didn’t find it very funny I guess. Apparently I have been grating on her nerves lately so any joking was not welcome. Well I said something along the lines of I’m not trying to be a Bitch, I was just kidding. Well then she nicely, jokingly hugged me and said in front of at least 4 co workers “Well, actually you have been a Bitch for quite a while now. I love you but you have been”.

Normally this wouldn’t get to me too much and I could just shrug it off. But I wasn’t feeling good and knowing her, I know how much she really meant it. Not to mention that she said this in front of other people, it just really stung and it was all I could do not to start crying right there. I was able to keep it together for a bit then slink back to my desk where I just could not help by cry a bit. After that I was done for the day. I cried on the way home and while at home and to my husband.

(At her defense, she did hint to me last Friday when I was talking to her about my doctor's appointment that I should ask about my mood swings. This I felt was a very nice way to put it and I really did get the point. At the time I really appreciated her way of sneaking that in there.)

So this really got to me and I just can't help but think how much this all sucks. I can't really talk about how I'm feeling to everyone and overall no one really understands anyways. I have to stop and remember not that if someone asks how I'm doing, really they don't want to know. That I just need to give an ok and move on. I also need to remember that I might love my co-workers more then they do me. Its an office full of women and we are bound to get on each others nerves and I shouldn't take it too personally. But sometimes you just can't help it.

I also need to stop talking to everyone over all. I have about three people to update and are there when I really need to talk but for everyone else, I'm not going to say anything anymore. I am going to hush more at work until I can be 'less moody' and have my normal perkiness back.

That's another thing, I am overall a happy, upbeat person. all my life I have to either really happy or depressed. No one can look at me and just expect that I am ok if I'm not bubbly. Why is this? If i was a sullen person all the time and was cheery only so often, would you ask me if something was wrong then?



Ok, I'm over this rant and I'm moving on.....and I really want to say thank you to all of you who have been reading and caring. And to those whom I have talked your ear off, I really do appreciate you even if your sick of me now.

Shopping turned bad

I had a movie moment yesterday. That’s the best description I can come up with for it. That overly quiet, stretched out time frame used in movies to be dramatic. If you have seen the Hurt Locker you might understand what I’m trying to describe. There is this scene where the guy is standing in the grocery store aisle just staring at all the cereal boxes. He is overwhelmed with the day to day things and does not know how to handle this task based on what he has been use to.

My point is this….yesterday I had to suck it up and go shopping for baby shower items. I missed my SIL’s shower and she is being induced next week so I had to get them something. And my cousin is having her shower on Sunday. So I had some extra time and said, “Ok, you CAN do this! And when your done you’ll get Starbucks.” This was my treat, focus on this and get through. Honestly I did pretty good while printing off the registries and picking out the items. I just focused on the list and finding the part numbers. Get in and get out, this was the plan. Then I have to pick out gift bags. This was tough. All these cute little bags, but once I was able to focus I was ok. On to the cards…

Then I had my movie moment. I’m standing there in the card aisle and just overwhelmed. There are just so many cards.
New parents cards, Baby Shower cards, Baby’s Here! Cards, Single Mother cards (wow this has to be a new trend), Little fingers and toes, Congrats!, You’re Blessed, It’s a Boy!, It’s a Girl!, It’s Twins!, Little Bundle of Joy, Bringing Home the Baby, Newborn Cards, Singing Cards, cards with animals, blue cards, pink with polka dots, Being Pregnant cards……………..
I end up just standing there and staring. I have no idea what to do. My eyes are brimming with tears and I’m worried that if I do so much as move I’m going to lose it right there in the store. Finally I realize this lady is waiting for my to move my cart and I’m able to get myself together and just walk away. Needless to say they will not be getting a card from us.

It ruined my evening. I got home and my husband assumed I had a bad day and kept trying to get me to talk about it. I know he does his best to understand but he just doesn’t get this part. The overwhelming feelings and emotions part. He wants us to be pregnant, mostly because I want it so bad, but he doesn’t have the emotional attachment that I have to it. It’s hard to explain and I felt like such an idiot trying to tell him that I almost cried in the card aisle. Thankful I didn’t breakdown but just kind of checked out for the evening. I had no idea what to make for dinner. I finally made him decide - soup and grilled cheese. Ok good, that’s easy. Well apparently easy was too hard for me because I burnt the crap out of his sandwich and about start crying. But the wonderful husband that he is just said it was fine and ate it. Then I just went to bed.

Today I feel better but I’m starting to dread the next few weeks. Great time to have a 2WW huh?

3 DPO

Ok, so I think its safe to say I'm 3 DPO. I like this but I do not like the wait. (but really, who does?) My monitor days I'm on CD 20, I had 4 days of High fertility and 2 days of Peak. There was one extra day of High after that and now I'm steady at Low for the last two days. While its nice to feel I've had a black and white answer I am still worried. I wonder if it will keep asking me to test for a few more days? I hope so. I really want to know if I get any surges around CD 23/24 like I have been seeing previously.

I am very anxious to go to the Doc next week. I am worried she will not help. I am worried she'll tell me everything is just fine and dandy and to wait. But I’m terrified to hear something might be wrong.

However despite my worries, I feel good this month. We enjoyed our ‘time’ this weekend and we ‘relaxed’. So if you have a little hope and wishing to share this month please don’t forget about us :)

Its a Peak!

I was very happy to use my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and see my very first Peak day

Its a good start to the Friday. I am glad to see it but it does make me a little concerned based on how my schedules have been last month. CD16 does not match anything that I've seen so far but the directions did say that the monitor does take a month to get use to your schedule. So for today, I'm going to trust that its right and enjoy a weekend of BDing :)

A Shared Seed

A friend from work tried to share something with me a few weeks ago and I finally had a chance to listen to it. It's a sermon from a local church and when listening to it, she thought of me and my TTC time. After hearing it, I really appreciated her sharing this with me. I did not have a large enlightenment but I felt touched and a bit understood.

I'll try not to get too detailed here, I will say that I do no go to church regularly and I will admit that while I have faith, it use to be a lot stronger than it is right now. I have wondered before if my lack of faith and church going has led me to this place. This place where I'm the last person in my group of friends to get married and now the last to try and have children. This might very well be the case, but I do not feel my wants and jealously of these things should be my driving force for getting closer to God right now. I already tried going to a few churches while in college but quickly realized I wasn't looking for God, I was looking for the saving grace that put me on the "good side" of being lucky. (All my highschool friends that were actively religious were already married or engaged and I wanted to be in that group.) I think for now I'm waiting to find that right place to go and the right time for me to grow spiritually.

Anyways back to the real point of this post, I did feel touched by this sermon and its relevance to my feelings and hopes right now. Since she shared it with me, I wanted to share with my other TTC buddies.
You have to download it in Itunes to listen to it (part of the reason it took me so long to get around to it) but if your interested, here is a link to their podcasts -

The Mustard Seed